Life responds when we risk.

-Rodney Smith, "Lessons From the Dying"

Digging Deep

-Celebrating 28 years old, today
Happy birthday, flyboy!

I hit snooze this morning....my dream state is always most active early in the morning, so it's difficult to adjust to this schedule of getting up early- the deep tug of the subterranean world does not want to let loose and I am groggy and full of strange threads of plots rolling around in my head. But I'm committed to the schedule of training, and I've learned to put everything out the night before; running clothes, supplements- if all goes accordingly, I can be out the door in less than 15 minutes easily.

I had my mind set on the 7 miler, cutting out the overpass. The first 2 miles in is nothing but trying to sync my gait, my breath, and run through the shifting and assorted aches and pains. As I hit Arthur St., I had a lot of cramping in my quads and thought about having to either walk some or round the corner at 56th. But somehow, as I crossed that intersection, things seems to calm down and sort out. I rounded out at my usual spot, 58th St., and took the stretch to Anderson park and my water stop. I had found a nice rhythm and the day was bright, clear and hot. I needed that water, and took my time getting past Sheridan and onto the stretch that links me to Emerald Hills Dr. Somehow, when I hit that corner and began to head east, I felt myself finding another gear. The tension had left me. The sun, which was full in my face, felt warm and relaxing as the sweat poured off my arms and stomach. Without the ipods, I focus only on the pit-pat of my foot falls and listen to how they lay up on the pavement, whether I land squarely or drag in front or behind. I hit what for me was a nice, fast gait. I could feel the muscles in my outer hips stretch in and out of the stride and everything work all of a piece. I thought about why we run; to move, to fly just above the surface of the earth, to be motion, to lift, to feel our strength as we ground each footfall lightly, one by one, one by one...

Just when I think I have no more to give, when I imagine the next length of street, the next corner as so far away, it's upon me. There is always a little bit left for a 'kick', no matter how small, my way of saying "here it is, everything I've got." I have always known my strong suit is this mysterious perseverance that, based on my ever-present curiosity about everything, keeps me moving towards goals that might seem impossible at first look. When I find myself flying down the road I laugh to myself; never did I imagine I had the strength it requires to push myself to the level of sheer weightlessness I felt today. As hard as I ran, it felt like wings on my feet were helping me round those tree-shaded corners. As the sun embraced me, I felt I could absorb the rays of energy through the soles of my shoes. And somewhere, deep in my heart, was the possibility of everything.

Happy Birthday, Michael! May the winds always be kind.

Crazy 8's

-Deena Kastor and her Olympic team mates

The weather was clear, temps tolerable and the sun climbing through thin clouds at the horizon line, shooting the lower sky with threads of orange and red. I took the longer loop over the overpass, and headed west feeling tired. I kept dreaming, last night, about social events involving mysterious tickets, trysts to be etc. It was all swirling in my head the first 2-3 miles before I could kick out the cobwebs and begin to really focus on the run.

Those crazy 8's are just the thing, though, with their predictability and pattern, the tough beginning, finding the middle rhythm, and the last portion of gut and fluidity that brings me to the home stretch by the park. I see that photo of the women marathoners heading for Beijing with a rush of pride and admiration for the herculean effort I know is involved to bring them there. The network of support is one big part of what makes it all happen. But the biggest factor, by far, is surely the heart that goes into every run, every time.

Thunderheads

"My role models are the athletes who keep competing even though they're becoming older and slower - the masters and grandmasters who are still psyched up about their sport and their lives."

-KAREN SMYERS

It takes experience to appreciate the roll of thunderheads mounting the atmosphere in majestic crests of whites, grays and blues. Underneath, a band of rain showers was soaking somewhere south. As I headed west today, the system eventually caught up with me and turned my picture-perfect early sunny morning into a swirl of drizzle, winds and atmospheric changes.

After the long run Saturday and a rest day Sunday, it was a good go today. Not only to appreciate the challenges of natural forces, but to run through them. The ipods are busted (temporarily I hope) so instead I took the ride into my own mind. The message I kept coming back to was "trust the process"... and don't let the particulars bind up my energy into distraction.

It takes time, and consistency and focus to appreciate the beginning, middle and end of every run, where it's fluid, where hard, when to pull up posture and breathe, when to fall into or up the hills. (read, overpass) There was a message in those thunderheads reminding me to carry my spirit upward and outward. And to drink in the beauty of those swirling mass of colors.

Fire Lotus Mandala

For the heat of summer, Leo the sign of full blossom,
For the intensity of honest effort, getting us somewhere, anywhere, everywhere at once,
For the breakthrough of transitions into riskier places,
...for Mom, and Dad,
for you, standing in my heart, asking.

Steady as She Goes- Saturday run

-Dean Karnazes goes long

I was antsy to get out this morning for a longer long run. Up to now this season I have focused on 40 mpw averages, with a long run of around 10+ miles. Today I wanted to go half-marathon length or more, with a wide loop up and to the beach, down the Broadwalk, and thru Hollywood to home. This time I packed the hydration belt with the bottles, a Clif bar, and electrolyte supplements. The temps, at 7AM, were high 70's. Spotty clouds kept the rising sun from being too warm, and occasional showers broke out. I found my share of wildlife, including scores of baby ducks milling and fidgeting around a swampy swale on Sheridan, and rounding the corner towards Dania Beach Blvd, the scuttling of blue/orange land crabs into their holes as I passed.
The most rain hit me on that stretch, so that by the time I pointed towards the beach I was pretty well soaked, but also, gratefully cool. For some constellation of factors I couldn't identify I had a rush of steady strength on this stretch...I had not stopped yet, and took the last leg to the beach in a beautiful rhythm that filled me with joy and confidence. At Dania peer the turn south brought me onto the Broadwalk and bonding with the other riders, runners and walkers. I was tiring and needed the break at North Park to rehydrate and refuel. Heading down the Broadwalk it was a relief to see the ocean on my left, while making my way among the pedestrians. A quick toss of the head or hand to other runners, I focused on handling the brickwork which feels hard on my feet. At Hollywood Blvd, I take the bridge up and over the Intracoastal, and make the right into the gentle neighborhoods of east Hollywood.

I took just enough time to empty my bottles and the rest of my bar before meandering my way around the waterway to my right. I love old Hollywood. For sale signs are everywhere, and I allow myself to fantasize about which houses I would buy if I could. The ones with old Florida charm, others with their overgrown and lush landscapes, the individuality of their street presentations...so many places to fall in love with...as I run past. I have slowed considerably by now. I am up on Johnson Street and over US 1, and make my way through the less beautiful parts of town, over Dixie and onto Taft.
Here I take it straight on, block by block until I see my turn right, past the 'Y'.
The very last few blocks to home, I settled into a nice slow rhythm, and was much less burnt out that I expected at the end of this distance, in this heat.

The class work for next weekend is pretty much together, as I work on the rest of the reading. I am enormously pleased and proud of myself at this juncture, feeling that I've weathered recent challenges with my grounding intact. The balance I get from running, the satisfaction, joy and relief cannot be over stated. The magic in my enthusiasm to get out there and have the adventure of each run has saved my life in more ways than one. I am centered on my road ahead, steady on my feet, and savoring every foot fall along the way.

"There isn't anything except your own life that can be used as ground for spiritual practice. Spiritual practice is your life, twenty-four hours a day. There's no time off."

-Pema Chodron, American Buddhist nun

Compassionate Process

"The oldest wisdom in the world tells us we can consciously unite with the divine while in this body; for this man is really born. If he misses his destiny, Nature is not in a hurry; she will catch him up some day, and compel him to fulfill her secret purpose."

-Sarvepalli Radhakrishnan (1888-1975)
Indian President and scholar

Yoga day, after 3 days straight running. Cutting back on carb calories has helped keep bloating down and I feel lean and strong. The yoga has a calming effect on me, and enables me to focus on the insides of things while letting my body ease into the positions. Unlike running where I need gritty determination to move through the gait, it's good to have a day to build on to that force. It feels good. I'm motivated to do the rest of the week's mileage starting tomorrow, then Saturday.

It's always tough to find the support I need. I am the support for so many others. So while the winds of emotional connection shift and change, it's good to know I have my own process firmly in place. Nature is never in a hurry, and fulfilling my purpose with Her is as simple as staying on my feet. She somehow always manages to take care of the rest.

Magic 8's

"To exercise at or near capacity is the best way I know of reaching a true introspective state. If you do it right, it can open all kinds of inner doors."

-AL OERTER, won Olympic Gold in Discus four times

Yesterday and today i did 2 solid 8 milers, heading out early enough to catch moderation in temps (well, sort of) and take my time working on pacing, enjoying the expanse of sky, air, and ribbons of roads. Today I might have been slower over all, but felt more consistent. My last half was the better half, as usual, as I took the final miles with a nice push in stride. 8 miles is a good length. It's enough to challenge me, and not so much to break me. By allowing enough time to work out all the initial fatigue and stiffness, I can really crank into the last half with fluidity and strength. It's a feeling that can't be duplicated in any other length, because when it's finally over, it's just in time.

Running is my bridge to the inner world, connecting through the outer doors of Nature. I become the conduit and mediator between heaven and earth as the energy passing through me, and on the move, swirls up the space into new vision and awareness. It is running which freed my inner mind despite my natural capacity for such journeying, dreaming, and creativity. Somehow I've needed this intense grounding and focus in my physical body to push me past the self-conscious pre-occupation with my state of being. Footfall by footfall, the run takes on a life of its own. I am not the run, and yet I am IN it. To be captured up into the fierce motion of it is another kind of ecstasy and release; it's no wonder the doors will fly open.

For Dad

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.
You are able to say to yourself, " I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along ." . .
You must do the thing you think you cannot do.
- Eleanor Roosevelt


And Mom. And me.

Loving the Run

"Number one is just to gain a passion for running. To love the morning, to love the trail, to love the pace on the track. And if some kid gets really good at it, that's cool too."

-PAT TYSON

I've had a variety of runs this week, and was able to add it all up to my goal of 40+ miles in total. I had the pre-dawn run Friday which took me through the dark into the early light of day, I had the gray, drizzly loops out, up and back on my usual route, and today the long miles (10-12?) beyond the Seminoles which took grit and determination to complete.

I feel strong. Tired, yes, but I can sense the core strength increasing as I practice my turn-over and ability to maintain pace for longer periods of time. Even when I think I'm tapped, I try to edge it up a notch, just to see if I can apply the gas. When I do, I can sense the deep reserves in my legs and torso ratchet themselves up to meet the challenge until I am flying steady down the road.

Today I loved the run. I loved the heat, sweat, hunger, soreness. I found that 'sweet spot' somewhere midway, where my energy settled in to a rhythm all it's own, and I forgot about what I needed to do, was supposed to be doing, or what anyone might say about my doing it....the lovely air, the heat, the pressure all contributes to the sense of being animal, physical force driving down the road. When I stop I can still feel the sense of floating just above the pavement, and the place where I stop is still general, as if I could keep going on, and on, over the horizon line.

Today I remember why I run. I am not young, fast or even very good at this strange endeavor. But I love what it makes me.

Giving it over

"When your inner eyes open, you can find immense beauty hidden within the inconsequential details of daily life. When your inner ears open, you can hear the subtle, lovely music of the universe everywhere you go."

-Timothy Ray Miller
Cognitive psychotherapist

The ipod wouldn't work this morning, needing a good charge I suppose, so I headed out for my run with the chatter in my head and the early morning mix of dawn rush, more cars than I like, bird songs, dogs out in their yards, a few other walkers and runners. I've been feeling stretched and stress with the chaos at work and the chronic uncertainty of our status within the budgetary process, and the projects due for my class, the paper especially calling for a massive catch-up to technique and strategies it's been 11 years since confronting, in grad school. How to cite web-sites? How to organize the massive amount of information for a 10 page paper? What part will the presentation play in how to explore the material? What about time? There feels like a deficit somewhere in my planning; no matter how much I anticipate the work, once I settle into it, more mushrooms through lack of practice. There are 2 weekends to pull it all together, and somewhere in there I'd hoped to see the parents to check on Mom, and maybe personal time for just a little recreation and TLC.

This was the nature of the chatter as I made my way west on Arthur, working through the soreness I created in my quads this week with too much time on the machines at the gym Sunday. Somewhere along the way I reached out- or in- to another level of connection where suddenly the context of my concerns became contained in a Greater Force...and I had the feeling of just needing to release it over, give it over to this process. My gait began to sync with my breathing which fell in place with my foot-falls, and pretty soon, the tension began to diminish.

I rounded out the run with a good kick at the end. It was sore, but strong- and I kept my faith that 'steady as she goes' will accomplish the miles I hope to log for the week, and the prep for the class work that needs to be done by weekend's end. It's hard to remember the Process is only partly in my hands, and the tapestry, which is the combined work of so many forces, is a dynamic and creative one. Trust the beauty of of creative outcomes; lessen control. Know that my best interests are at the heart of the universal Mind, and relax into the Spirit of Love.

"You only ever grow as a human being if you're outside your comfort zone."

PERCY CERUTTY

The Natural World

I set out this morning for an 8 miler, happy to be out of doors after all weekend in class....early rainbow was fading to the west as the sun danced up over the horizon and the streams of gray clouds feathered around the rays of light. Once I rounded out and headed west, I began to ease out of my stiffness and fatigue and found my gait, happy to have the road to myself. I got a good rhythm going in time with the ipod, and soon enough my heart began to lift as I took in the wide, beautiful sky. All at once I had a sense of something more than wonder and awe, beyond even gratitude for what I am able to perceive; I felt a deep sense of honor, as if I could sense the presence of those Beneficent Ones who take such a deep interest in me, and carefully place me where I can do the most good, to be the conduit, the channel for the Work. I felt it. To be out where nothing prevents me from completing my run, setting my day, meeting my clients, my goals, my mission....everything I'd ever hoped for or dreamed....If it hasn't happened yet I had a deep sense that it was all there, on schedule, in place. I felt light, ripe and ready. The winds were picking up and the heat was bearable. The elements, which often seems scattered, or against me, were suddenly organized with grace and power. Running into the morning light, I was a free agent of my soul. And my heart was carrying me through.

The natural world has always been a source of inspiration, comfort and mystical connection. But somehow it has become something more, an extension of me; a spiritual space I inhabit with the other organized and moving molecules through time. My potential for moving freely through the landscape seems to increase with my love for all things within and without, the fabric of me.

Spiritual Support

A 'shout out' to my spiritual parents, that's CeeCee, on the left, my spiritual mother and Vitae, on the right, my spiritual Dad. They epitomize for me the beautiful essence of feminine and masculine energies, and always infuse me with love, acceptance and joy about our shared paths/Path. I find them on my mind today; dearest of friends. The scenario at work, the legal proceedings for my client, have brought a rare window of loyalty, love and friendship, in the unlikely relationship this amazing attorney seems to have with the client, the world...! He reminded and inspired me about the Work; he ignited warmth and passion, not the disconnected, disgruntled and critical atmosphere at work. I needed to think and feel these things; I love to feel I am in firm hands, when it comes to the presence of The Mother and all the beneficent ones. It does me good to see compassion at work and always helps me have compassion for myself. So tonight I regroup; reorganize for the weekend and class, and give my body and mind a break. It will come back, greater than before- the load and the love of the challenge, the incredible reward.

The day is no longer outside my reach, it has come into me instead.

Yoga Day

"A man can fail many times, but he isn't a failure until he begins to blame somebody else."

STEVE PREFONTAINE

I put running clothes out last night knowing my body was fatigued, allowing myself the 'out' if needed after running 4 days straight, Sunday through Wednesday. I dreamt last night about continuous plots of boundaries....of attempts to 'get me', and measures needed and taken for protection. This tells me that I am in the thick of many psychic pressures, not the least is putting my body through rigorous work-out. As Rodney Yee likes to say on the CD, "let the body be quiet."

So I did the entire routine this morning, both parts, and began to feel the slow loosening of areas that were trying to hold onto their tension, trauma, sensitivities. I grounded, stretched, breathed my way through every position until the sense of strength and peace enveloped me. It is difficult to sustain; the opposite of running which is a controlled falling, throwing into a rhythm; yoga is about placing and sustaining strength, control and release.

I have the deposition today, and need all my wits about me. I don't usually have to go this deeply into my cases, but it's for a good cause- this client deserves my extra help. Meanwhile, I have others who want to hold me responsible for their distress, and attempt to hold me hostage. I recognize the theme, and the work of the dreams to bring to my attention the need to hold my ground. I am learning, through practice of both intense effort and controlled release, to find that delicate, and necessary balance. Each moment, it's up to me. No matter what is said, or done or considered, I have only myself to hold accountable, for keeping my focus or losing my way.

Running into Rainbows

If you cannot find the truth right where you are, where else do you expect to find it?

-“The Practice of Meditation,” Zen Master Dogen


It might have been a good day to stay in, but despite intermittent rain, the open road beckons....so out I headed towards the overpass, under 95 and a short loop west before heading back east on my usual 8-9 miler. The long stretch on Arthur was where the sky opened up with inconsistent showers that fell soft then harder while gray scuttling clouds tried to block the sun. From the east, however, the rising run found pockets of clearing, and threw light up against the moisture falling, and hanging in the air. Another rainbow (!) this time not quite full, but distinct and beautiful formed over the west....and I ran into it, and kept wondering, what do all these rainbows tell me??

I did not stop at Anderson, but waited until Emerald Hills Dr. to rehydrate and take the rest of the electrolytes. I felt strong, despite yesterday's long run. Some tightness in my right thigh...a little fatigue episode hitting me until I got the water and minerals back...then it was straight home to yoga, and a hot shower.

Watch for the unexpected....and the sudden beauty that folds out in front of us like flags. I needed to see something for the week ahead that would help remind me of a Nature more vast and animate than any of my own concerns. And yet it helps to validate all those as well, as if something reaches out to acknowledge and support the forward journey...something says, come along with me- so you will not miss out on a thing.

Signs and Wonders

After a 2 day break, and much needed therapeutic and personal attention, I ran 10+ today feeling great. Sleeping and eating and resting allowed me to get up early enough today to start out with everything nice and cool and comfortable, heading west on Park to pick up the rhythm and using John Williams as my staging stop, for electrolyte boost and bathroom. It was coming in from the out of my outandback, on Charleston that I swung into rain showers, sparse enough to allow sunlight to flash through thready clouds meandering around the wide sky. Once heading back down 64th, the more opaque sky to the west lit with a strong double rainbow, low enough towards the ground to be distinct in all its colors, like a huge banner across the road, it's more ephemeral twin hugging the outline of it's curve. I had to turn my back on it heading east, but I imagined it swinging overhead like a suspension bridge to my dreams, where images of traveling and getting from place to place mirrored my trek.

I fell into my gait after that second stop. I took Thomas in one big stretch from end to end, and practiced pushing through just a little harder than comfortable to test the mettle of my 'core' endurance. There was still breezy wind in the air; and the sun, when popping out, felt enduring and warm. I came into the last corner and home nicely spent. And my fantasy breakfast, bowl of berries, yogurt, toasted flax bagel and peanut butter was minutes away.

The lasting blooms of Aunt Rose's orchid is a testament to eztraordinary powers and forces at work in their own rhythms and time. The rainbows which endure the clash of air masses, temps and terrain, and connect themselves nevertheless to invisible anchors to benefit the imagination of sentient folk... the surprising tenderness and care from loved ones, the acknowledgment of struggle, and compassion for mustering effort and staying the course.

We are full of signs and wonders. As we step out on the world, we blanket the path with hopeful intent. We throw our fears and worries before us to be stepped over as we gain our gait from training. Always increasing from that mark where we let off, are we ready to stretch a little further? Have we come all this way to be cautious?
The sky was not careful to hide its colors today, and the orchid, which spills it's blooms along 4 different spikes, has thrown caution to the wind. They tell me, and persuade me of the abundance of inspiration, and the artistry of the world for my greater pleasure. Bring the divine into the breath you breathe, and remember to look closely at all things. The pattern of completeness is there to be seen, inviting us into it's beautiful mind.

Don't Be Afraid to Play Through Life.

Don't be afraid to play through life. Retire from heavy thoughts. Take everything with lighthearted wisdom. We are heavy because we think we must make an impression, gain something, be somebody. In spite of what society tells you, you need not be anybody at all in the eyes of men. The only genuine need you have is to be a real human being. Try to see this, try to feel it with all your heart. Then you will know what it means to make the world your plaything.

-Joe Anthony

Feelings, whether of compassion or irritation, should be welcomed, recognized, and treated on an absolutely equal basis; because both are ourselves. The tangerine I am eating is me. The mustard greens I am planting are me. I plant with all my heart and mind. I clean this teapot with the kind of attention I would have were I giving the baby Buddha or Jesus a bath. Nothing should be treated more carefully than anything else. In mindfulness, compassion, irritation, mustard green plant, and teapot are all sacred.

-Thich Nhat Hanh, "Miracle of Mindfulness"

Keeping Pace

I tacked on the 2 miles east over the overpass, back on Taft before cruising out on Park and taking the corner at 58th. All together is was somewhere around 9-10 miles, getting stronger as I went longer. Sleep weary at first, the first 2-3 miles are ass-draggers. Attempting to get enough blood pumping to my legs, brain, heart and breathe easy into the early morning, which was heavy with humidity, but cooler. After my stop at Anderson Park for the water fountain, I loped up across Sheridan and found my pace. Once tracked in, I could feel the gait pick up in sync to the ipod's beat as my steps turned comfortably over, and over, taking Emerald Hills Rd in one light stretch, rounding off past TY park until coming at last to a walk, just shy of home.

Despite upswing in demands on all fronts, I am keeping pace. Extending my reach, my endurance, my range, I find myself able to handle the load. At 40+ miles per week, I am getting comfortable, although the aches and pains are there. Nothing is too chronic or severe to set me back. Across the board, even with the extra pressures at work, and with the family, I am sensing when to push through and when to pull in, to rest and regroup and let myself be quiet. I give myself the space and time necessary to envision the Work, step by step as it waits for me to carry it through; for it takes strength, stamina, it takes faith that it all can be carried without losing any of it along the way.