Mom, continued

The last picture of Mom at her condo, as beautiful as ever, serves to remind me how much keeps changing...now when I see her at the nursing home, I'm struck by the swift melting of her form and function into ever new modes of aging.  The wisps of her long gray hair captures in thin ponytails, her scalp visible, her eyes looking cloudy, her hearing shot.   She locks onto me like a laser beam for about a minute or so before the distraction sets in, and isn't talking much anymore:  "I'm listening..." she likes to say, but I know she isn't hearing all that much so it's her way of saving face.

When I do my Sunday runs I have her and Dad on my mind, as Sunday is visiting day for me.  No matter how stressful or busy the week has been, or how many clients I have on my mind, nothing trumps the challenge of what my elders endure.  I feel as if I owe them/her this weekly reminder that a loved one is near, someone who sees her for who she really is beyond the little old quiet lady in the wheelchair.  For me, my mother is a complex woman who endured historic and personal chapters I have limited appreciation for, being the generation which benefited from their great sacrifices.   But most of all, she gives me courage to keep my perspective on my own aging process, and to appreciate every ability I have.

The Sunday run, is my affirmation of courage, hope, endurance and the persistence of Vision to become...what my dreams, goals and aspirations inspire me to do, and what my Spirit gives me the courage to pursue.  I know my parents often wondered how and why I did things in my life, but they never discouraged my hopes and dreams.  The unconditional love they built in me is a fraction of the love I try to show Mom, to be there for her, see her, hug her, before moving on.  On some level somehow, I know our Best Selves are celebrating every moment we can share along the way.

Brooks Launch

In my quest to prepare for real training and all things Miami marathon (Jan. 2011), I took a field trip to one of my local running stores.  Packed with every stripe of runner, seeming, like me to look for the next pair of perfect shoes, I was fortunate enough to connect with a young, dread-headed salesguy who patiently took me through my options.  Seems all the major brands are now on the 'minimal' band-wagon.  Not quite the same as 'performance' shoes, we now have choices which contrast with the super-constructed, foamy, cushioned trend of the last 10 years or so.  I tried on Saucony, Mizuno and Brooks.  And for fun a pair of Newtons, which cost a fortune and apparently will 'adjust your alignment' due to their unusual soles (take a look next time).   Brooks felt balanced and 'right' immediately.  I've had a series of Brooks now, and ran my Glycerins into the ground.  So out of the box and onto my feet, I ran my longest run to date yesterday and felt completely fine!

Shoes will not solve all my issues.  Nor will the moderation in temps (hey it has to happen sometime!).  The truth of it is, I still have to close the gap between my expectations and my level of fitness.  Little by little, as I begin more consistent mileage, strength-training, yoga and nutrition, I hope to conquer the voice of doubt in my head.  Sleep seems to be an important tool as well, and I'm not afraid to crawl into bed like a real oldster, and allow myself plenty of rest.  The pay-off?  Feeling strong, fit and full of energy to cope with everything on my plate.  But most of all, that magical stretch of distance that comes when least expected...the quiet dissociative break from reality and the soaring into my own inner mind.  Running has been my means of access into the 'gestalt' of the world.  Without it, I would be hard-pressed to immerse myself in much the same way.  I have reached many a breakthrough with art, music, writing, and the spiritual connection with others.  But where the body goes, the mind will follow if given a chance to resonate on its own unique wavelength.

Happy training to all the club runners, the solo-ists, the charity supporters.  I am always glad to see others now out on the roads... preparing for what comes next. 

Practice

As a kid I played instruments: organ lessons, piano, later picking up the guitar, recorder, and later still in a wanna-be rocker stage, messed around some with bass, drums, and lots of percussion. I still have vivid memories as a girl sitting at the huge organ of my Pittsburgh teacher, who played for the Pirates Stadium! Endless drills, testing my 'ear' to see if I recognized changes...and hours in my parents' living room at our own giant console playing hours of classical, popular, rock songs, along with my own improvisations. Music, art and writing were my 3 early passions. Where art and writing came effortlessly, music gave me the foundation of 'practice'. The switch in my right brain that came to know and trust the organic pathways of sound and pattern was on in a big way, and thankfully for me, has never been extinguished.

Many things can threaten our innate creative thinking. Mostly our own handicapped belief systems; the "I can'ts" or I shouldn'ts" which shift our energy from persevering towards something dreamed for, to keeping the 'status quo.' I recognize these same themes in my running. Big dreams carry me forward, practice gets me there, while I muster arguments against the can'ts and shouldn'ts in my head which try to talk me out of it all.

Practice is something which has come to permeate my life: there is my professional practice, my private practice, my creative practice, my spiritual practice, my running practice. If "application of an idea" is the basic definition, then Life becomes the practice of our conscious and unconscious ideas and beliefs. Yesterday's long run on the big Griffin loop got me back to thinking about 'distance'. At this very early stage of setting up for marathon training, I feel the need to clarify my own beliefs about the miles ahead. Somewhere amidst the nice long stretches, I realized that past knowledge is there to cover the Miami distance from '07: I could picture parts of it in my mind. I knew where it got particularly difficult as well as the infinite excitement of certain landmarks and areas as I passed through. Application of our beliefs is the fuel of manifesting: practice is the key, to get out there, to take the risk, to experience the unique challenges and opportunities that each new experience brings.

It took me a long time in life to put myself together where 'practice' was truly possible; when the emotional and personal landscape settled down enough to allow me to bring these long-held potentials to the forefront. As I witness more and more coming to fruition, I know there are abundance of Forces which work with us in our every good intent: the practice becomes a Partnership, and through this, we work the Magic that is the unfolding of our own New World.

Hints of Things to Come

I never really know why a good run is good. Sometimes I can point to a nice long night's sleep or a particularly lucky stretch of good food, low stress etc. But none of that was in the mix as I watched the bands of storms roll through last night, until finally, around 7AM I saw the skies clear and took to the open roads!

On the treadmill at the gym I make sure to do some inclines...maybe that helped me feel more of a boost, because as soon as I hit the other side of Sheridan I took off, and never stopped until I hit my pit-stop at Griffin Publix!! The temps were as wonderful and cool as they've been all summer after the storms; everything was lush with water. Do ions penetrate even muscular aches and pains? I expected more protest out of my hip. But after a few miles I could feel the soft percussive tap at the bottom/balls of my foot and feel the smooth roll of my gait. I had a rhythm, and I could sustain it! Now double this, double it again..and my current 6 milers will one day approximate the marathon....!

The 'alternate' reality we seek, which bleeds through into our own, is a generous one. Even when we least expect it, peeks into where we want to go come in packages sweet with success and satisfaction. Ahhh....!!

More Rain, less Road

After dreams of someone named "Hugo Wolf", a name so memorable, I recalled it even after further dream 'chapters' unfolded putting me back in Pittsburgh, I woke before the alarm after 6AM. Sweeps of rainy bluster were pummeling the parking lot below; so I packed my gear and headed for the gym. The problem with treadmill running for me (well, there's many) is the lack of visual stimuli. The Right Brain in rightbrainrunner is partly about the immersion in the natural world, and how running places me within the body of elements, not outside of it, soaking up the air, heat, cold, winds, and yes sometimes rain. I've run int he rain but it's cumbersome and uncomfortable. Once you are soaking wet from head to squishy shoes, it feels somewhat like running underwater anyway. At the gym at least, the control over the run makes up for CNN, the work-out junkies, and a perpetual set of numbers inching along a mythical track telling me one more tenth of a mile, one more calorie burned....

I decided, after realizing the other day that I can pull out a decent 5K, to run that, and see if I match the same general time. Sure enough, even after the first easy mile, I clocked just over 36 minutes. A ran another mile or so to ease out of the pace and checked myself over. The 'hitch' in my hip is back. The flexor, or some combination of tricky bits around my right hip socket feel twisted up in themselves. In the marathons I've run this is my nemesis. There is absolutely no way I can relax into a run when this issue is acting up. And so I'm back to the basics again: do I invest the time, money and energy to really work this out? Massage, chiro, the elites have their endless array of therapies...do we think they get to that start line alone?
But for average street runners everywhere, we have to figure it out ourselves.

Last year it took tremendous effort to maintain. I am more strapped for time than ever. While I feel a small spark of hope that my base is there, and the ability to ramp up and increase my endurance will come, the change this year has brought new, subtle vulnerabilities. Willpower alone will not do it. And I am not a Dean, Scott or grandmother 100 miler (well, not yet). In yesterday's 'reading' from Tom Kenyon (look him up), the message was about jumping timelines into alternate realities which are now within our grasp, by identifying it, shifting focus to it and locking onto it by action which support it. Artists and creative types everywhere can understand this principle and process. We visualize to create; we 'see' where we want to go. So if locking onto Miami is my way of 'jumping' realities, it may take the rest of my Big Dreams along...to further unfold New Me, New Future, New Earth.

8-9-10

-Dean Karnazes

So far, the plan to get to bed early and up early (yes even weekend days) is working, with an early enough start time Sunday to catch what passes for 'cooler' temps these days. I had to remind myself to get out of my usual loop up Park and instead decided to head out West Park. For non-locals, the double 2 lane road with its big grassy divide used to be a magical stretch of road about 2 miles from where it curves off to its main intersection at 56th. I say 'used to' because before Hurricane Wilma, the entire road was graced with huge trees which created a leafy canopy, right down the grass divide. Wilma uprooted almost all of them. Now, it still has a wonderful quality- but only on Sundays, the one day when traffic is mostly absent, and the ability to run unencumbered, on a straightaway, is a nice training boost.

Yesterday, a woman and her dog came running past me as I began my walk up to my 'start' point (I have been walking the beginning and end of every run these days). As I began the West Park stretch, I notice her pass me and had my usual thought; 'oh how annoying, another runner faster than me, better than me who I'll have to look at now for a long stretch....etc'. A little while later, she circled back to chat. What I came to find out is this lovely gal, in her 40's, with her great looking black and white dog reminding me of my many black and white dogs over the years, was a devoted amateur like me, whose run a few marathons like me, and - like me- has visions of getting back to 'serious' distance running. To her, I was the uber runner!! I tell her my goal was tackling my big Griffin loop, which I haven't done in some time. I show her my 'pit stop' past 56th...and as we part ways, I watch and admire her steady gait, and the dedication of her dog who relaxed into her own easy lope besides her.

Naturally this was all the boost I needed to head out in the back roads to 56th. I took the stretch straight up to Griffin surprising myself that despite the heat, the usual fatigue, I could focus myself to maintain. I had a few nice lengths of relaxed gait, and nothing was hurting (for a change!). I have been keeping Miami in my mind and asking my body, are you ready? Do you want this? Knowing the expectations between my fantasy and reality are often somewhat out of sync.

Then there's Dean Karnazes. Look him up, he is the gold standard of everything distance and "uber". Where Scott Jurek sets records and struggles with his own internal demons which contribute to a sketchy performance, Dean is a flat-out, do it kind of guy. How do you train? I run. How do you cross train? I run. What do you eat? Good stuff, nothing extraordinary- "I drink water before I run" is one of my favorite 'Dean' answers (look up his website). Dean says, the only limitation is yourself, your attitude- etc. I believe this. I know, because 6-7 years ago before I ever ran a step, I would never have imagined running-or finishing a marathon. And what do all elder woman like me do post-menopause? Do we hang up our shoes, wax sentimental over our medals and photographs and start baking cookies? HELL NO! We stay on track; like the grandmother runners I saw via Facebook/YouTube who happily complete 50 and 100 miler races, it's a matter of 'reframing'...taking the distance and believing in its doability. The body will go where the mind takes it. I began to believe that this year and its new health challenges were an automatic set-back. But the magic of the road is such that Miami begins to feel better and better the more I imagine it...

Except for my SO, whose hesitation to say yes was knowing how difficult coming back from injuries and set-backs can be, my 'Team' is in consensus to do the marathon in January. If I commit that means we can look forward to 5 months of blog-work in processing my triumphs and challenges. Are we up for it? Do we have what it takes to commit? If Marine Corp marathon was the 'homage' to my Dad, this one would be in honor of my new granddaughter, (arrival date Sept!!), my Mom and all things Female. If the Goddess Herself enjoys the guise of Huntress, and the occasional long jaunt into the wilderness to clear Her mind and refresh her Spirit, then I'm sure She can lend me some of Mercury's courage and swift heart in my quest to demonstrate that ANYTHING is possible if we BELIEVE!!

Thank you all!

Rain Run

My timing was terrible if running in the rain is not your thing; up on schedule and out the door just as the skies were opening into a steady downpour. I wore what I thought was enough gear to stay somewhat dry which was a joke after a few minutes...but was smart enough to wear shoes sturdy enough to take pounding through puddles. I'm not adverse to strange weather conditions; for me running on a treadmill indoors like a lab rat is the workout of last resort.
I took the overpass, and made a very modest loop around Taft. The rain became a torrent and pretty soon I gave up any semblance of distance or true effort. Instead I began to remember the weather of my childhood in Pittsburgh, which at the time was a city of real extremes. I have distinct memories of tornadoes, huge snow storms and big rain, and my daily walks to school...As my feet became thoroughly soaked I began to stop avoiding puddles and went right for them...noisily running through with a child's abandon. Slogging through so much water, in water-logged shoes was tiring! So having a short run in this case packed its punch. And of course just as I cruised close to home, the rain began to taper. :-)

I dropped my gear and noticed the early morning sun breaking through the cloud cover. So I made my way to the opposite side of the building where, sure enough, a rainbow began to form. I did my stretching while watching this one and it's fainter twin develop over the arc of the sky; the colors becoming more distinct, the sheer thrilling beauty of it eclipsing the traffic, noises and human hustle-bustle below.

Somehow, Life is trying to remind me not to take anything for granted anymore. With every little step comes unexpected challenges and surprises. What we decide to make of all this is entirely up to us, as we begin to translate this language of essence and experience for ourselves. No one knows our secret inner world. Best yet, the only keeper of the keys is the Courage of our Hearts to see it clearly. I thank the gods of rain for the gift they gave me today!!

Working (it) Out

Now that my schedule is getting more locked in, I developed a strategy of winding down the weekend early enough to get a good long night's sleep before Monday AM. Sleep for me is more than restorative. As a life long 'dreamer' who has always had vivid, sometimes profound and always instructive dreams, my sleep life is where I seem to go to work out the issues of the day on deeper levels. As Vitae always taught me, the 'Dream masters' are there as unseen guides. Whether I remember the dreams or not, rarely do I wake up without some sense of 'something' necessary happening.

Today I woke plenty early enough to be out for a moderate loop and found myself in that strange zone between sleep and not-quite-awake, on my feet as I cruised up Park to take the cut up by St. Maurice. My Sunday long run was just brutal enough to make today more sluggish. But overall, I had the strength if not the 'umph' and made my way to my pit-stop at the Griffin Publix, no problem.

As I cut down 35th and the lovely winding stretch back to Stirling, I found myself hovering still in a dreamlike state where working out the nuances of plans, feelings and issues rolls along unencumbered. The mechanism of being in motion is the key to unlocking this process; I've said before that many people are not 'sitters' when it comes to meditation. And it's my theory that many runners are able to become most mindful when they can catapult themselves forward and therefore dissociate from their bodies. How does this work? I am aware of the run; I know what hurts, if I'm laboring either in breath or stride. The magic happens when the mysterious alchemy of elements syncs up into the kind of gait that releases me from any realization of being earth-bound; as if my spirit cuts free within my mind as it expands beyond the road, the shoes that bind my feet, the very curve of the earth Herself, the sky....

At those moments, I am in the dream, and the Masters can have at me in all their benevolent effort to open the doors that become stuck and sealed through the frustrations, pain and suffering which comes at me. Every step along the way is a percussive resounding of the current I aim to cut through into truth. If so many teachers are there to assist me, how can I say I am not enough to assist others? What can't I do if I put my mind and its assets to it? Miami...marathon...6 months...shall I??