Fall Equinox '10

The turn of the seasonal year brings a renewed attention to All Things Nature, including this year's full moon which caught my eye over my left shoulder as I drove home from work last night.  Despite crippling heat and humidity, something about the lift of light through the hazy atmosphere brought a glint into the skies, as the liquid glow spilled over onto the cloud formations on the evening skies.

This morning, despite intermittent showers, I headed out to see at the east the kaleidoscopic layers of light and clouds- blue and white ribbons of sky and clouds overlayed perennially by a patterned light and color show- the like of which I've never seen!  The atmosphere so thick with moisture, there was no rain, just a persistent kind of drizzle that gave me that Florida feeling of being in a water-based world.  I am soon soaked, but run on my modest loop, expectations in check.

The balance points on the Great Wheel are an opportunity to breathe into that delicate space when the very weight of time Herself is poised, like a dancer on a tightrope, a runner in mid-stride.  Between the chronic effort to maintain, achieve and accomplish, to push through every obstacle and challenge in our path, there is that still point, an awareness of ultimate Beauty.  I have always been grateful for this inner eye that allows the artist to me to perceive this layer of intrinsic energy;  the informing of the formless with the creative brush of a Bigger Hand.  It is the saving grace for any of us willing to stop even momentarily to look up, look within and acknowledge that which spreads itself before us, for our own delight and awakening.

The Path of Nature

'Process' is a word relevant for anything in context of systems, forces and intent.  We use it in counseling, training and so many other physical and mental tasks.  My process has been full of challenges, and without challenge there would be no forward motion...so Nature shows us...

After 2 days of yoga I was back out this AM in a blessedly cooler atmosphere, which even down here in the southern tip of the US notes the change of seasons, albeit with extreme subtlety.  While folks up north prepare to celebrate the Equinox,  full of cool nights and slowly changing colors, we are still hampered by record heat (90's in the day).  Running has been a slog all summer.  Today it was a better haul from my start point, thru my park break and on up the Stirling loop to my major stop on Griffin.  I took that stretch nicely;  proving that a few days off with the yoga did me some good.  My expectations for the week are low.  This gives me the excuse to say "its a low mileage week", backing off, resting and hopefully gearing back up in sync with the season.

Nature is very much on my mind.  WE are nature, the stuff of stars, dust and DNA.  Try as we do to 'control' and 'master' the mighty forces which inform us,  She has a Mind of Her own.  Her agenda, to perpetuate her intricate patterns of Life, are in some ways as dispassionate as the sun which shines on us all.  On the other hand, I'd like to think I can crawl into Her wide mind and curl into her heart.  Only there does the wisdom of process become a part of my breathing, and my being can be at peace.

The Tyranny of Happiness

Whenever the coin flips, and I find myself on the side of 'issues' and more challenging emotions, I seem to buck up against my own prescribed expectations for emotional balance, as if 'happiness' were the only indicator.  I know this so well from the counseling process;  a client has gotten up enough courage to take a look under the 'rocks' of secrets and denial to really explore difficult terrain- which they interpret as "depression" or "going crazy"/unstable and I'm throwing them a parade for finally looking in the shadows where they previously refused to go- and where the trouble emanates.  I've never known a client who isn't somewhat surprised by my 'interpretation' and enthusiasm for their process.  Once they have some confidence in the 'normalcy' of it all, we can continue 'connecting the dots' between the disowned parts of themselves and their patterns and problems.

Now lens turned inward;  my emotional palette has been influenced by many events;  my granddaughter's arrival, the high holidays and expected melancholy over missing the active participation of my parents, and the chronic health challenges which corrupt my otherwise optimistic ambitions for all things running and long-term wellness.  Just when I thought I should bag the marathon plan, I pulled out a very nice long Griffin loop today.  Again, after a carb-fest yesterday (thank-u Whole Foods for making it 'real'), a bunch of sleep and a gift from the gods- a cool breeze on the dawn and as comfortable as it's been in many months! 

Once settled into my gait, and still sans music, I tried to roll out the carpet of emotional notes which seemed to be caught right at my throat.  The anxious, disconnected presence of that little girl who has quietly taken me hostage into her solitude.  Artists can tolerate- in fact often crave- large periods of time alone.  The schedule of a working counselor hasn't offered me that in many years.  Running has become a means of achieving glorious isolation from the world to meet myself in my own head.  However, the persistent and sometimes tiring needs of this child in me can simply be the desire to escape- run from the 'crazy and dangerous adults' (especially men, sorry guys....), from pressures to perform, conform, and put up the brave face....

I have no doubt about my Path, my mission or purpose in this world.  Thanks to my lifelong quest and identification as a spiritual worker/warriour (thank u Mello and Sun Temple folks!) I am confident that my abilities have been channeled to the right Work.  Meanwhile,  learning to develop Self while coming into closer contact with all aspects of myself brings the challenges of growth.  My light worker brothers and sisters seem better adept than I at the art of Happiness;  of experiencing the joy and connecting with the exuberance of Life.    For me, the presence of Spirit comes with a price;  and connection has demands....

I took the long road today until I felt the pressure begin to come off....the emotional elements began to blend into that hypnotic and calming rhythm that is a natural gait.  Each part of me clamoring for attention finally quieted while something else, the rhythm itself let me relax into the motion and atmosphere.  The true 'escape' is only at the deepest levels of trust, when we meet our Self in the arms of our very Life, 

The Grandmothers Gather

As the northern circle commenced their homage to the grandmothers on Sunday, I was as usual called into the group.  The auspiciousness of the occasion was naturally enhanced by little Claire, so my 'membership' into the 'club' was ensured.  We are not our grandmother's generation, clearly.  But maybe what we inherit is that same single-minded focus on the good of the global push for the generations to come, as we plant our seeds, send our signals and light our bonfires for others to find their way.

Since I put my back out, it's been important to change gears and shift down into more healing modes.  Today, I did not run more than half the loop, and walked most of the last several miles, in an attempt to loosen, but not punish, my stiff body.  Those old crones were whooping and singing their hearts out, no doubt.  And if my spirit presence enhances theirs, even from a sensitive space, all the more important for our voices to blend together.  I often (VERY often) miss the proximity of my 'sisters'.  Now with the family adding a generation, I know my distance will continue to provoke more focus on how to stay connected on other levels.  Every image, post and picture allows me to peek into our multi-dimensional web of intentions and work.  So even while alone out on the roads, I feel the buoyancy of many hands soothing my heart, my soul.

It was always the work of the grandmothers to comfort- and awaken- the young ones to meet their path.  How amazing that we found each other to begin with, and awaken each other, still!  Namaste, my beautiful goddesses!! 

Claire

Too comfy for her own good, Claire needed some persuasion to come into this world.  Once arrived, she proves her impact with sheer size (9#5oz!!) and her gentle influence on everyone, especially proud Papa!!  Born 9-10, I spent Saturday seeing clients and periodically checking in with the new family.  Just before I left that morning, I pulled out my back reaching for the coffee pot;  a maneuver I haven't fallen prey to in some years.  So between video cam and resting on the heating pad, I hoped to rest up for a long run Sunday.

Even if the temps have not really moderated, there is the slightest dip in the early morning hour around dawn.  So with expectations appropriately low I set out on a walk just to loosen up and vowed to do nothing that didn't feel ok.  My ipod is on the fritz again (this is number umpteen million...hey Apple, why is your technology so damn problematic on the low end of the price scale??) so I went sans music and instead soaked up the gentle sounds of almost nothing except early bird chatter.  Music is the means of keeping me on a pace, within a beat and disconnected from discomfort.  Without it, I'm forced to really follow my form, my comfort level and most of all my inner mind.  Needless to say, much of my thinking was focused on Claire.

When I saw my mother yesterday I took pictures.  We made verbal lists of her grandchildren and greatgrands to remind her of everyone.  Claire is greatgrandchild #4 and takes her place with numbers 2 on of the family members who came into this world after my Dad left it.  It's been poignant beyond words to think about him and how much he would have LOVED being part of Michael's journey into papahood; the illustration of grandparenting bonds:  my dad was close with many of his grandchildren.

And though Mom recognized and clearly appreciated the news, her focus is limited.  There would be no bursting announcements through the condo doors;  no celebrating.  Suddenly I realized, the generations have truly shifted and I am taking my place among the elders.  Sad, this passing of the torch.  Happy too, because we are a new generation of crones us grandmothers, and we come to this as Warriors of our own life, able to instill our strength and drive into the march of the generations coming.

I join many of my friends and family members into this exclusive club.  I completed that long run thinking about the time around Michael's own birth and how 30 years has gone by since the time a young, idealistic but ill-equipped gal gave over to the birth of a new life that catapulted me into all kinds of unforeseen directions.  What the 'road' has given me now is a predictability and stability that has grounded me in my ever-present quest for meaning and cosmic connection.  The run is now my link to my path, and my present commitment to be mindful of the process of Life unfolding.  And in my new role I can link to the newest voice in the family as she asserts herself into the Fabric of our unfolding.  

So welcome, Claire Ellyn to this big beautiful world.  Grandma is looking forward to traveling a few roads of our own!

Nice and Easy

The heat is not done with us yet.  In fact, on a rare day of trying to catch a few rays, something I haven't done almost all summer, the heat has been so intense, I went over to the pool at the beginning of the holiday weekend only to bail after about an hour.  The Sun felt like an opened oven;  it was not the warming feeling- it was a burning, blast- and not comfortable.  I was glad we had a chance to get to the beach later in the weekend, and later in the day.  That wonderful warmth that melts deep into my tired muscles was there....and the sounds and smells of the surf, the happy laughter of kids, all gave me that holiday feel I needed.

I pulled out a nice long run on Sunday, just keeping it within reason on the big Griffin loop.  Today I took the loop to the south and wound around the overpass, down to Arthur and back on Thomas.  It was a tired and unimpressive effort;  but I made up for lack of umph with a few periods of strides just to rev the engines a bit.  This is about a 6+ miler, so the same as my smaller Griffin loop.  Just enough to press, not enough to fatigue.  I would like to say I am more comfortable at these short distances, but the heat is not helping.  Time, for that, is on my side.

I am aware of how slow I really am every time I happen to get passed by another runner (not often, very few folks out on the roads this year)...and watch their relaxed gait- as they leave me in their dust!  For whatever reasons, I cannot turn over my feet very fast.  And since I don't do drills or other types of workouts, I'm sure this is the basic reason why.  For me, running has been as simple as I can do it:  I run shorter during the week, longer on the weekend.  I run even longer if I have a race.  I think of myself as 'out on a trek' which requires a faster pace than a walk, as if skimming the savannas in a very ancient time.  I want to TAKE my time.  I run to see the sights, the landscape.  The escape from the clock, the civilized sitting is what motivates me out the door.  I may be the slowest runner around, but I'm still out there- where are you?

My clients always have excuses why they can't do things, even the simplest.  I recognize that line of thinking.  Food and exercise are two things we can accommodate by making even the most basic choices.  I learned long ago that my body would go where I led it, which took me from smoker and sweets eater to athlete wanna-be.  OK athlete.  I qualify that because I know the daily dedication it takes to meet the kind of goals I secretly harbor.  One day, as I climb the ladder of ability, occasionally falling off, I hope to achieve that balance between obsessive zeal and comfort as my system keeps "tuning" itself to the new vibrations twanging all around us.  As the momentum of change keeps revving higher, so does our adaptation.  Keep making all the right moves; watch your gait gain momentum and take you along for the ride!