New Years Eve Day Run

The photo is one I've posted before, called "death of the Buddha" and somehow seems to fit the mood of the times. I took to the park today, knowing that each 2 mile loop gave me either an out, or an opportunity to increase the distance...I thought it would be fitting to do 8 miles for '08....and it was a spectacular morning....

The first loop around was, as usual, too crowded with other joggers, walkers, strollers, bikers...and one of the reasons I seldom run in the park anymore. More traffic means more distraction, and what I crave on a run is complete dissociation from anyone else. My head has been sore and tired, both physically and emotionally. I bailed out of work yesterday with weird stomach pain and felt unsteady the rest of the day. My goal today was just to get moving again and by the second loop I could sense how difficult everything had become...what I remembered as vibrant, challenging, exhilarating at times, suddenly felt almost pointless and hopeless, and not just the run, but work, life etc...ah the voice of depression....After 2 loops I stopped to stretch. I considered my options; bail, and maybe run later again somewhere else, one more loop and reassess...or go for the whole 8 no arguments. I decided on the second option, hoping I think to salvage something meaningful, if I could just push past this weight laying on my soul. Third loop was the toughest as I began to really tire, and not having eaten too much, never wise to run any distance with fuel. I passed more physically challenged gals who walked deliberately, with dignity and thought, now what is my excuse here, I am a RUNNER. So, RUN.

The last loop I actually began to loosen up and feel strong; the sun was getting warm, and my legs stopped aching. My heart felt like it was trying to reach beyond the bad abyss to find a handhold, when I rounded a bend and was passed by a very young Asian boy on a bright purple bike. I saw him and his mother on previous loops, and this time, he had gotten ahead of her. As I caught up to her she was in a jog of her own trying to catch him, a beautiful, playful smile on her face. She looked like an older version of my daughter-in-law and that was it; suddenly my heart broke open and I smiled, full of love and yearning and hope and gratitude for everyone in my life, for everything in my path, for making those 4 loops, for persevering in the face of my own internal demons and the pressures of life, the never ending challenges of being human.

Light shone in a sudden flash. The death of the Buddha is a reminder of how fragile compassion can be in a disconnected, brutal world. We go on and on attempting to find evidence of something more than pain and suffering when the clues are planted all around us, and in us. There is a resurrection in the New Year, as we fight for justice, hope and healing. Be the change. Find the way. Do it now. Shine in '09.

Easy for You to Say

Today's Outlook: Today's emotionally charged Scorpio Moon reveals another side of her moody nature as she elicits memories about unfulfilled love. Depending on what's currently happening in our lives, this can be nostalgic or bittersweet as amorous Venus conjuncts Chiron the Wounded Healer. Our resistance to intimacy or commitment now stems from these uneasy recollections, yet it's crucial to understand how the past need not be replayed through present circumstances.

How much are the unseen forces responsible for our lives? How do we account for the sudden drop in energy, motivation, focus? How do the masters overcome the flux in star alignments, weather conditions, emotional tugs and needs? How does anyone overcome the loneliness and heartbreak of holidays spent adrift from loved ones or support??

I was running so much in the wind today, that by the time I got back onto Park, I had to walk the rest of the stretch home. The overcast, chilly, gusty morning was no comfort to my heart; instead it felt more like some trek into unforgiving lands....some truck driver yells at me out his window about how I can't hear anything "with those things on" meaning my ipod...and of course my thought is, how do people project their anger about their own behavior at others? All he had to do was wait 1 minute for me to cross his path. But apparently he thought I was the one that needed correction, even though he was in the bigger, more dangerous vehicle. I could hear him loud and clear. I might have said something back, under my breath. I have no problem standing up for myself. But when the weight of insult or forgetting takes a foothold it is very difficult to let go....to let the stride take me along in my own little world of struggle, triumph, process.

Sure, Scorpio moon, dance with Chiron, and intensify the bittersweet longing for love. How surprised could I be that just at this time of year, the love of person becomes a distraction from Love of Spirit, of Self, of mission. It is a small girl inside of me which longs for personal love, and the validation of recognition. The woman in me has found a way to maintain behind strong boundaries which has escaped capture. But just once it would be cool to find someone willing to break down that wall and walk with me a ways for the thrill of finding meaning and adventure on the Path. Until that day comes, the run will always do me good. The run is mine.

Rainbow Prayer Flags

I was pleasantly surprised to manage a nice 8 miles in a cool, cloudy morning earlier today, feeling sore, yes, tired, uh huh.....but after getting up onto Park, and enjoying the stretch of my legs on that nice straight flat, the rhythm of the gait took over, and the loose steady movement filled me with that wonderful contentment I love...

Am I too solitary?? I find so much peace in myself...but it's fragile energy seems easily dispersed by others....you'd think, in my business, I'd be a better manager, and maybe I am. But there are times, like now, when all I do is crave no interruption in the thoughts of my own creation. All artists have this internal life; apparently many runners do too. It's not the negative drain it used to be when the momentum would tumble me down into unwanted emotions of loss or helplessness. Now it comes from the strength in my own soul and the desire to feel it without disruption. I suppose the next step will come when I can easily incorporate the energy of others....outside the formal, professional structures. But meanwhile, I am happy to focus on the shamanic slant of the times, and use it for my own redevelopment of depth, clarity and purpose.

And let's allow the joy of changes to fly....free........

Bliss

"When the desire strikes, simply put on a pair of shorts and a T-shirt, lace up your running shoes, and head down the road, up a trail, or through an open field."

CLAIRE KOWALCHIK, The Complete Book of Running for Women


Pairing back my expectations while I heal, regroup and regain focus for a new goal....half-marathon for Feb???? I download a new training plan from RW that looks much like I do, with a few tweak outs. It makes sense to train for a good half, and put the marathon back on the calendar next year.

6+ miles, out and about the Griffin loop today through breezy, partly cloudy conditions, not too cold, not too warm, felt free, even if I'm still struggling some.....it reminds me that all I need to do is "...head down the road" to find a slice of serenity, within the context of movement and rhythm.

Even when Average

"Remember, the feeling you get from a good run is far better than the feeling you get from sitting around wishing you were running."

-SARAH CONDOR

Seems I continue to try to regain strength and stamina. The 8 miles at the gym Sunday on the treadmill took a toll; about 4-5 miles yesterday and around 6 today were challenging. Caught in a gentle rain, a couple of walk breaks....nothing like the intensity I had going on before....before, what? Before getting sick, getting shell-shocked from personal issues, work, before having to decide to bail on the marathon. Running is a mental game. It takes tough mindedness to keep focused discipline on the overall game-plan, which sometimes amounts to just getting out and running. It takes awareness that movement always has its benefits, even if it isn't pretty.

I've been downloading new podcasts, including 'This American Life' from NPR, and a couple of running forums, besides my usual podrunners. Sometimes, the pleasure is in losing myself in the music or the story, and just letting the miles go. I think for the New Year, I will treat myself to downloaded books; seems a good way to catch up on 'reading' and enjoy the journey all the more.

Moral of the story? The methods may change, the approach modified. But it always remains one foot in front of the other, in the steady drumbeat of rhythm. And this simple formula never fails.

Different Kinds of Runs

"This is what really matters: running. This is where I know where I am."

-STEVE JONES

Tired of fighting high winds and crappy weather, I took to the gym yesterday and a different kind of run on the treadmill. Before I knew it, I managed 8 miles, and threw in a little weight training for good measure. I work on form, time and management of resources, things that are harder to track outside. My slow pace is a 12-13 minute mile. Faster, and I can sustain a little over 10. Treadmills feel very unforgiving....so every twinge and ache seems amplified. But the ability to read the stats, regulate the pacing etc is pretty cool, and every once in a while, I guess it just serves as a break from the routine.

Today, an easy 4+ miles up to Griffin, just enough to stretch out tight legs and get a bit of 02...today is balmy, scattered clouds...the weather doesn't seem to know what it's doing. But the air, the sun, even the occasional gustiness was wonderful to feel on my skin. I am still adjusting to no Miami (can I do the half??)...it seems impossible not to be there at all, but if I do the half, will it feel like a cop-out? I'm not getting that crazy jazzy feeling about racing right now. All these weeks of not feeling well has been draining...and just getting normal runs in feels like a real triumph. Do I commit, and build anticipation towards the goal? Or do I recognize a shift, for multiple reasons, in my approach to running?? I hate to feel like I wimp out, and yet, my body seems to need the recovery. In the book Psychodynamic Running, the aspect of addiction as applied to running relates to the lack of flexibility and balance; the inability to adapt from the compulsive need to run. I relate to this struggle; running has been my dopamine fix, my solution to all things middle-aged. It got me through menopause, job crisis, relationship meltdowns, family traumas. Running instilled self-confidence in a way no other endeavor, despite my range of abilities, has done. The sheer gift of movement, of being safely tucked into my own head is a growing need the more the outer world clamors with it's pressures. How I will continue to utilize running for the long-term, and still make benchmarks, remains to be seen.

Meanwhile, there is a way forward. The road, which always calls to me, has adventures a plenty....all I need is willingness, and my 2 good feet.

12-12 Full Moon

The moon is at it's closest point to the earth in 15 years, pouring it's magic and mayhem upon us all. If you were fortunate enough to see it after it's early late day rise, then you probably captured the size and breadth of its presence. I will run later today when the temps warm a bit....a cold front has settled in...but clear skies portent a beautiful afternoon- will take it to Hugh Birch for a little slice of heavenly nature.

Sending Prayers to Flight

It was a restless night, with lots to ponder, as, right on cue, the Universe caught me up in it's bag of surprises once again. It's too early to speculate the true direction or purpose, so I will not attempt any description and suffice to say, I trust that what needs to be, will be.

I was not up for a big run, but still managed more than I intended, taking off for the overpass, and then turning north instead of south to meander through the Oakwood plaza to Stirling. From there, I headed north again, towards Griffin and turned into the trailer park once I realized I had been out about an hour. I'm not looking for heroics or worse, injury, so a slow 5 miles was just about right. The weather is balmy; sunny and unusually warm. The hint of heat felt good on my shoulders once I took off my outer shirt. I tried to focus on rhythm and gait, and noticed my sense of distraction. But instead of the twinge of sorrow that has tugged at my feet, I felt instead a slight push of hopefulness, something deep within that was asking to break through. I wanted to allow all my joy to surface. I know there is positive outcomes to be had. But like everything else in training, it's sometimes the more cautious approach that gets you there. Finding that tipping point between brash desire and withdrawal is always difficult, but maybe I am feeling my way there. The sun, wind and warmth are telling me I am welcome in the moment, where the balance always is.

Reflecting on Everything, Starting New Again

After 2 weekend runs that were shorter and more challenging than I can remember, I did a pretty solid 6ish miles today. Passing a surveyor at his truck at Stirling who said, hey, you really cover some ground! I saw you all the way over the other side of town there! LOL..... It was the boost I needed to feel like a runner again, and while listening to some new podcasts, began to see that this was the start of something new.

I thought long and hard last night about new starts. Having to put Miami on ice for this year is a tough decision. And even though it's not 100% firm, it's certainly unlikely I can get enough miles in to make even a decent half showing. Better to wait for Ft. Lauderdale in Feb. Making the adjustments in expectations about everything seems to be the mission, while keeping my focus on work and professional goals. There are still opportunities for breakthroughs, and the constant surprises of the Universe as it weaves it's creative chaos through our lives. I keep a seed of anticipation at the ready, in case. Meanwhile, I focus on regaining my strength, stamina and inspiration through the dark days of winter descent. And remember, I will come out the other side.

Back to any Run is a good Run

-mural at Art Basel/Miami

It's been over a month of fighting whatever is ailing me, and a week of antibiotics has finally broken through the logjam- slogging through long work days, by Wednesday there was no running, until today. Today; woke after a long sleep, groggy and stiff. Last night I tried to stretch as much as I could to prepare for running, and felt all the knobs and burrs of my shoulder/neck protesting in pain. It's been a while since I did any massage or chiro, and it's apparent. But I put some hope in my step as I took to the street, in a beautiful, clear, cool morning. Began with the overpass and headed down to the Arthur St. stretch. Made my pit stop at Anderson Park and took 56th all the way back. It wasn't much for mileage, maybe 6, and I stopped several times to walk off the tension and fatigue. I never got faster than an easy jog, but oh how lovely to be moving outdoors!! To feel air, sun and the whooshwhoosh of my own arms and legs, heartbeat and breath, and the easy meander of my thoughts swirling along their own path.

It's been a whirlwind fall, coming into the winter months, the close of '08. Super Barack is getting ready for his new gig, new digs, and will inherit hell in a handbasket, as far as the state of the world is concerned. All of us are doing the new economic shuffle, trying to figure out where our ground lies. I have the sense that any run will be a good run, these days. I have put Miami on the shelf. I can't see how I could get back up to snuff in less than 2 months. So all our expectations must shift. It's a good time to be humble, and aware of our own limitations and resources. Few will be tangible. Most, I sense, will be coming from levels deep within, where the Source will keep us all posted on our progress.

Circles of Light

"A race is a work of art that people can look at and be affected by in as many ways as they're capable of understanding."

-STEVE PREFONTAIN


Registration fees for Miami increase again on the 11th, so I'm giving myself until then to decide about doing the full or half. My cold is persistent, but I was determined to run today; out the door was cool and clear, but by the time I got out on the Arthur stretch, an ominous bank of clouds, separating out a front of gusty rain, came open on my head. The wind was so strong I had to run backwards for a bit before deciding to head back. I still managed about an hour out, but it was so cold, chilly and wet, it was a miserable dash to get back inside.

Surprisingly, everything felt ok; limbs, and gait were solid, and I think I could have pulled out a 7-8 miler. I know pushing it will not be smart in the long term...so I give myself this week to let inspiration come.

Driving home from work last night, the amazing star show was clearly visible around the moon...Jupiter and Venus...guarding the crescent and creating luminous circles of light. In Mumbai, they lit hundreds of candles for the dead. Potent fields of energy focus on the transition from life and the safe journey for many souls. We are always traversing the divide between things. And so we seem to require prayers to follow us on our way. The Light we burn within is enough to keep warm, but it's augmented thousands fold with the love of our brothers and sisters. Whether I run a lot or a little, the road is still the road. There are dreams enough to take me up in a rapture of light.

If, in your course, you don’t meet
your equal, your better,
then continue your course
firmly,
alone.
There’s no fellowship with fools.

-Dhammapada, 6, translated by Thanissaro Bhikkhu.