The photo is one I've posted before, called "death of the Buddha" and somehow seems to fit the mood of the times. I took to the park today, knowing that each 2 mile loop gave me either an out, or an opportunity to increase the distance...I thought it would be fitting to do 8 miles for '08....and it was a spectacular morning....
The first loop around was, as usual, too crowded with other joggers, walkers, strollers, bikers...and one of the reasons I seldom run in the park anymore. More traffic means more distraction, and what I crave on a run is complete dissociation from anyone else. My head has been sore and tired, both physically and emotionally. I bailed out of work yesterday with weird stomach pain and felt unsteady the rest of the day. My goal today was just to get moving again and by the second loop I could sense how difficult everything had become...what I remembered as vibrant, challenging, exhilarating at times, suddenly felt almost pointless and hopeless, and not just the run, but work, life etc...ah the voice of depression....After 2 loops I stopped to stretch. I considered my options; bail, and maybe run later again somewhere else, one more loop and reassess...or go for the whole 8 no arguments. I decided on the second option, hoping I think to salvage something meaningful, if I could just push past this weight laying on my soul. Third loop was the toughest as I began to really tire, and not having eaten too much, never wise to run any distance with fuel. I passed more physically challenged gals who walked deliberately, with dignity and thought, now what is my excuse here, I am a RUNNER. So, RUN.
The last loop I actually began to loosen up and feel strong; the sun was getting warm, and my legs stopped aching. My heart felt like it was trying to reach beyond the bad abyss to find a handhold, when I rounded a bend and was passed by a very young Asian boy on a bright purple bike. I saw him and his mother on previous loops, and this time, he had gotten ahead of her. As I caught up to her she was in a jog of her own trying to catch him, a beautiful, playful smile on her face. She looked like an older version of my daughter-in-law and that was it; suddenly my heart broke open and I smiled, full of love and yearning and hope and gratitude for everyone in my life, for everything in my path, for making those 4 loops, for persevering in the face of my own internal demons and the pressures of life, the never ending challenges of being human.
Light shone in a sudden flash. The death of the Buddha is a reminder of how fragile compassion can be in a disconnected, brutal world. We go on and on attempting to find evidence of something more than pain and suffering when the clues are planted all around us, and in us. There is a resurrection in the New Year, as we fight for justice, hope and healing. Be the change. Find the way. Do it now. Shine in '09.
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