Life...and those Other Plans

It was strange to read the radiologist's report as they gave my mom a new IV, her notorious pulling them out, and being a bad stick...provoking heart-wrenching vocalizations. Hard to tell what's happened now, but so evident what happened a year ago. If one's brain changes, do you too? Is who you are as maliable as biology? I wondered who my mother really was, deep down all of a sudden. What kind of heart and soul got lost under these layers of subordination, humiliation, subjugation, resignation....what craziness created mothballs in her mind...where does she hide when she needs to be safe.

I kept looking over my shoulder for my dad thinking, well he'll be showing up here anytime...then remembering; oh yea, he's already gone.

The sad, sinking feeling of being just us girls suddenly came upon me. The hospital is cold, cluttered...the West has a strange idea of healing. I manage to get into my share of verbal altercations. I just can't suffer the BS. You'd think I'd at least try....

The points I must connect, to keep it all flowing don't seem to really include me, sometimes, and it's then I realize what she feels. That stark invisibility I remember growing up with- mine, hers... our mutual attempt to shy away from the men, even as we were dependent on them. How desperately I sought my way out, and she followed through my tale of escape, marveling at the distinction between my choices and hers.

The random timing of death is weird. Maybe that's the point. To surrender to ultimate lack of fundamental control is the highest trusting thing, the hardest. It asks everything of us since none can report, prepare us...trust is the process to harden us, break and soften us up. To open us wider, to receive the force of energy that would move our identity from version to version of the same soul. What would she have become if she went to college, married Milton, and became the true warm, wise empath...do even smart and spiritual crones end up this way? If so, we have our work cut out for us...does anything prevent the 'inevitable'?

I escaped to Gold's in Ft. Lauderdale, and had to get special clearance from my "home" gym, some more BS, but ran 5 miles on their Cadillac treadmill, watching CNN with the sound off....the ipod cranked high. I run so slow, painfully, its ridiculous to imagine doing the damn marathon...and I hated everything for a good 2 miles before, as usual the strange metamorphosis happens when my body settles in and my mind shifts focus....even at the gym.

Thank god(dess) for the artist in me. Because when out on the open road there's always plenty to see, to satisfy my insatiable curiosity. Maybe the difference is I want to participate in the process...Does Mom feel dragged, and snagged on the tumult of tragedies? For me, it sucks just enough. But then it all blossoms like honeysuckle vines tumbling with the fragrance of the glorious earth.

Trekking

It may have been as humid and hot as a sauma, but somewhere mid-run Sunday I felt like I had lost my way in the Sahara and blanked out of the upscale Hollywood neighborhood I ran through. Something about the intensity of the heat, and I stopped, and stopped again and again. Maybe the first hour is tolerable; after that, it's hard to contain the pressure that mounts from steady exposure...down the broadwalk in full sun, I watched the waves kick gently against the shoreline. Through Hollywood, and coming up to Sheridan, I would like to say I had one pretty kick in me to the corner. But after that, I had to drag ass the rest of the way...it was a brutal reminder of how difficult a slog it can be, just propelling myself from point A to point B.

I'm glad I had the motivation to get out there. The results are accumulating in greater tolerance, endurance, persistence. Sometimes I think everything is about sticking in...but I confess I look for escape just like everyone else. It's hard to remember the Big Picture moving when we feel stuck, the world revolving when we stand still, the universe expanding even when it feels like our own field of influence shrinks... it's on the way to something we cannot see....that excitement grows from surprise, mystery, gifts from strange sources. Stay open, stay on the path; be ready for the lucky burst of energy that revs the energy of motion, and throttles down into rest. Go deeply, either way, and ride the pendulum swing.

Agents of Change

The wind-carried beauty of Tuesday's 10 miler morphed into today's grueling slog. The impetus of big dreams devolves into the daily grind. Motion of opposites are spinning fast now, as we go slipping, as if losing the rhythm of the change. We have beat ourselves into a stew of impasse; at one moment perfected vision, the next, fears and trepidations all around. I marvel at how either side of my body can harbor its own distinct characteristics; that part which is full of knots, this one with the chronic ache in my hip. How the run consists of the long distance attempt to balance them out, make them talk to each other, cowork their rhythm into some harmony of moving through time and space. The time of our spacial occupation has shifted, is shifting again. We remember the essence but not the point we meant to make. We sense the meaning, but lose the particulars. Does it matter anyway? The certainty that evolves us into our future has already gone on ahead. The field is large. All the parties in all their configurations, from ultra runner to newbie; we all take the course together. No matter how long, how challenging, everyone comes in to the finish. Waiting there is the satisfaction of accomplishment, arrival, completion, pride in following our gut, riding our spirit home. What begins for us then is the Mystery. For the New Life has quietly opened a way. And as playfully as children, we fall into it as deftly as we step across the line.

Compassion (thanks Jen)

Celebrating the Good Runs

That's me crossing the finish line at the Miami marathon 2 years ago. My first and only marathon so far. On today's 10 miler, a gem of a run, I listened to "Runner's Roundtable" podcast, an old one talking about the Disney marathon back in Jan. I swelled with pride as they talked about their times...these were not uber runners, but mortals like me. They proudly reported on 6 and 7 hour times, and I thought hey! I came in under 6 hours, not bad for a 51 year old ex-smoker.

I have a great base. The back to back longer runs this weekend really got me strong. I have PLENTY of time to ramp it up, and who knows, maybe I can beat my time....? Slower runners keep the bar low. We can't compete with the field, we compete with ourselves. Our expectations need to stay within a range we can deal with, live with. At the same time, we identify with everyone, even the elites, leaving us in their dust. The thrill of participation is enough for us to be satisfied with what would otherwise be unremarkable performances. But for me, the nebbishy little jewish girl from Pittsburgh, the artist, anti-athlete, bookish nerd, there is a deep pride in knowing my body can carry me on this adventure, the whole experience of the run. Races are capstones; we come together with the democracy of other runners, and its all in with the field. Listening to the pod cast, and the excitement, amazement, breathless joy got me all cranked up for MCM. It won't be long, and my team will be helping me get to the start line. Any day, and I'll hit my first 20 miler in training. Some time soon, a new medal will be added to the collection. And this one, for Dad, will be the best. A stand against the cruel passage of time, a way to declare my pact with life, and the beautiful effort of endurance.

The good runs bring it all back. The gifts of Life carry us through all the crap we slog through along the way; the poor conditions, the fatigue, the slow deterioration of spirit and soul. One good run proves us worthy of the long haul. I'm back, I'm hungry for more. I see myself in the blaze of joy that is completing the goal.

Long and Hothothot

Between Saturday and Sunday I racked up 25 miles to give me 45 for the week. Saturday was a long Griffin loop out to the Seminoles, about a 12-er I'll guess, and yesterday a long beach loop up through Hollywood, more or less the same. Each day I hit the road by 6:30 AM. No matter, though, because after that first blessed hour, the sun hits like gang-busters, whether its morning or not! The difference between comfort levels is like running in a sauna the second half, compared to a normal pace/rate with wispy pockets of dawn air cooling my heels.

It's just good to know I have it in me. Of course the leap from here to the next level is figuring out how to put on another 5+ miles to begin to acclimate my legs past this burn-out point. By 12,13 miles I have a slow shuffle ... somehow I need to convince my body that this is not an end point, but a 'regrouping' while we ratchet it on up for more...it's so psychological. The body will obey, as long as there is enough- enough water, fuel and motivation. I've been short on fuel- its time to begin carrying gels, and pay attention to water. But the motivation, like everything else, has a wax and wane to it; with pressures from outside sources impinging on my overall confidence.

Most of all, I think "I am a marathoner." And therefore I train for marathons. That's the identity I've taken even if it seems ridiculous, impossible, unreachable. I've proven to myself time and again that nothing is out of reach if I want to go for it. Aim for the highest, believe in the possibility of anything, and with all the extra Boost from the Team, see what happens.....I remember today to work for the goals and be ready for the surprise of Life to uplift.

Today's Aries Horoscope (on yahoo)

The future is always in motion, so don't stress if you can't quite make out your goal right now. Simply deal with events as they come along, and try not to control or predict the future too stringently. After all, life has many wonderful surprises to offer, but the trick is to be in a receptive state so you can appreciate those surprises. For now, put the past behind you and focus on the present. The future will be here before you know it.

10 minutes before I see this, I was thinking, hmmm....I wonder if I need to get a reading when I get up to see Vitae with everything going on, him, me, us, everyone. My purpose would be to clarify my work, my mission for the future.

Then this.

There is no more asking, there is tapping. It's all there.

The Past, The Future, and Now

Every once in a while I find photos, like this one, which place me on the timeline of changes. This was not so long ago, and Dad was holding his own, if barely. Sometimes I feel like the only one who holds their secrets, and even I was never as inside as I thought. Dad took a lot to the grave, I think. And Mom, post-stroke, cannot tell me much anymore. It's all locked in her eyes.

I don't know how long this will go on. Today she sounded tired, frail and sad. I could barely keep her on the phone. Her confusion is mounting. Yet she lives. How does my tiny mother keep going?

I compare all this to the marathon, and everything which comes after mile 18. By the time I was 3-4 miles out from the finish line I never thought I'd make it. Runners passing me, time- and the whole world- passing me by. But I never really entertained quitting; I just realized I'd have to suck up the chance that I'd be ridiculously slow. Now I feel the same way. The big constant push, up to the end game, is over. The last leg of the journey of my parents, as my mother tries to find her way through this to her own resolution, is upon us. And for the first time in over 10 years I begin to speculate on life after.

Is it wrong to feel relief? I do. If the big goals comes together there is a whole new life waiting for me around that corner. The race of endurance could give way to the smorgasbord of possibility; where to run, what to do, how to live a life on my own terms with my own 'mission' and happiness in mind....it has been such a long haul. But every run I am out there, like today, for a substantial time is practice for endurance, mental fortitude, building the reserves I need. I have learned, from running, just how strong I can be, if I focus my mind on the task. The energy all around us is in full throttle- we can tap this, we can allow it to take us up to the next level, and find our True Life waiting.

Resiliance, and oh yea, New Shoe Review

I have been an Asics fan, then Brooks, now I think I found 'the one'....LOL...(I always say that)...Under Armour ....'Spectre'? Not sure the type, but check out the photo. They use a "foot sleeve" instead of a tongue. The overall construction looks like a racing flat....but with more. At first I thought they were a bit stiff, but after a week of shorter and longer runs, I think I have fallen in love. Today, a big Griffin loop (taking the overpass and cutting up to Stirling next to 95) about 10...felt almost 'normal'...meaning, no big breaks, no big pain, no big tanking out. No hydration belt but enough watering holes out there, spaced along the route, with electrolyte pills to beat the impact of the heat. I am definitely acclimated, and I feel renewed confidence that I can keep a good base, get past the class, and focus on the big miles closer to fall. Maybe I can do it after all....

The brush of the down swing, enough to scare me, lifts with good runs. Seems simplistic, but true. My confidence in navigating the sheer challenge of a long run spills over into everything. The resilience comes back...the momentum begins. Nothing seems impossible if I keep one foot moving in front of the other, and find my stride. With time, goals are accomplished. It can be done. It is all a matter of consistent effort and time.

And if you think the right shoes dont matter, find ones that 'lift' you from the doldrums and take off down the road. Your spirit will soar and the world will transform before your eyes into infinite possibilities.

Vision Vs. Reality

That's the girl I imagine....had I been running instead of wandering the back trails of my suburban neighborhood growing up...had I run instead of biking to high school, to see my friends on those forbidding but free dark nights....had I been running instead of trekking the hills of southern New England, Virginia, the mountains and trails of the Appalachian, the verdant Valley, the back roads from the Barn...

I forget the summer is sometimes my 'high-risk' time....not winters, which are no longer predictable, except for fighting through the holiday slog. Florida brought me respite from winter episodes. But now I remember, don't underestimate summer. With the need for A/C which keeps me cooped up, in the office, the apartment, the stores, the gym....out running is the only prolonged escape into real air. But in order to survive it I have to run around dawn. And even then, it's oppressive and challenging.

I would like to find a way to engage those necessary gym bouts on the treadmill. I've been using those runs to drill on the incline, check my form etc. But I can't get any big miles that way; it's just too tough on that track. On the road I engage many more muscles and senses, and I'm sure its why a longer run is possible.

I would like to find a way to engage the summer without falling off the edge of the earth, taking my will to reach out with me as my voice shrivels in the hot sun. I need to remember that everything happening is part of good process; mom is settling out, the services for her underway. Work is supporting all my efforts to maintain these many fronts. The massage/chiro treatment is providing relief. The NSU class starts very soon.

Without the consistency of running, I can't get my bearings. I know this is a flaw- it mustn't take this mental compulsion, but it does. There is no substitute, there are no replacements. Not now. If I can't find the groove to ground myself, out there on the road, in the middle of nowhere special with nothing on my mind, if I can't find the way to lift myself outside of my petty personal cares, then they weigh around my neck like so many balls of fury...the loss of control, of personal touch, of comforts...I must outrun them if I can. If I can't they are like little ants marching over me. Seems harmless until an army of them overtake me. My voice. They leave me in loneliness and disconnect the cord. The solitude of the run is the antidote, at least for now.