Vision Vs. Reality

That's the girl I imagine....had I been running instead of wandering the back trails of my suburban neighborhood growing up...had I run instead of biking to high school, to see my friends on those forbidding but free dark nights....had I been running instead of trekking the hills of southern New England, Virginia, the mountains and trails of the Appalachian, the verdant Valley, the back roads from the Barn...

I forget the summer is sometimes my 'high-risk' time....not winters, which are no longer predictable, except for fighting through the holiday slog. Florida brought me respite from winter episodes. But now I remember, don't underestimate summer. With the need for A/C which keeps me cooped up, in the office, the apartment, the stores, the gym....out running is the only prolonged escape into real air. But in order to survive it I have to run around dawn. And even then, it's oppressive and challenging.

I would like to find a way to engage those necessary gym bouts on the treadmill. I've been using those runs to drill on the incline, check my form etc. But I can't get any big miles that way; it's just too tough on that track. On the road I engage many more muscles and senses, and I'm sure its why a longer run is possible.

I would like to find a way to engage the summer without falling off the edge of the earth, taking my will to reach out with me as my voice shrivels in the hot sun. I need to remember that everything happening is part of good process; mom is settling out, the services for her underway. Work is supporting all my efforts to maintain these many fronts. The massage/chiro treatment is providing relief. The NSU class starts very soon.

Without the consistency of running, I can't get my bearings. I know this is a flaw- it mustn't take this mental compulsion, but it does. There is no substitute, there are no replacements. Not now. If I can't find the groove to ground myself, out there on the road, in the middle of nowhere special with nothing on my mind, if I can't find the way to lift myself outside of my petty personal cares, then they weigh around my neck like so many balls of fury...the loss of control, of personal touch, of comforts...I must outrun them if I can. If I can't they are like little ants marching over me. Seems harmless until an army of them overtake me. My voice. They leave me in loneliness and disconnect the cord. The solitude of the run is the antidote, at least for now.