Balance

Giving of ourselves is how we connect to God. When we get past the what's-in-it-for-me mindset, we invite clarity, peace, success and joy — and all the Creator's attributes — to flood our being.

Today, share with no expectations.
- Daily Kabbalah


Giving to myself, my training, my time for the long 'to do' list, and giving to the family matters, friends and loved ones takes perspective and balance. I'm working on this problem in training, with the strange disconnect I have with my feet; difficulty sensing my gait and footfalls, with all the inherent problems gaining confidence in my stride. I have my theories on this, as I work the Chi from top, to bottom. Grounding, balance, the harmony of halves, the synchronicity, entrainment of hemispheres, all this is part of the smooth operation of the physical and psychical bodies.

Today, as I muster the nerve to continue the process of transiting the old folks, I look at the principle of balance and how I can give, without depleting myself.

As the road unfolds, it has no end. Not unless I quit.

Chi Running is So Cool

I wasn't entirely sure about running today, having run both weekend days, but knowing that my entry back to work last Monday was full of distress I thought maybe I need to inoculate myself today.....so out before 7AM...a beautiful whirlwind of a morning, full of winds, clouds, sun, the gambit.

Chi Running has definitely increased my overall comfort level. I can cruise right into the gear that gets me going, keeps me going and conserves my energy. My legs, which had been so beat up, seem to be loosening. I am minus all those old aches and pains that plagued me last year, the chronic hip and IBS pain, the shin and foot problems. Everything in Chi is running with the energy, with the road, the force of gravity- keeping things relaxed while keeping form good. For the first time I'm finding where to keep my arms, hands and feet without feeling like an awkward mess.
Watching something about Bruce Lee last night, reminded me- the unity of East and West is a smart thing, and something he pioneered. And if he can do, if the other uber-runners can do it, no reason why I can't do it too.

The challenges on the road ahead are formidable. I am lucky to have an increase in confidence and ability just when I need it most. I am grateful beyond measure to my peeps, my guides, the Powers that Be who watch out and make the obstacles surmountable. It's good to have a challenge....now to make good on my intention to see it through all the way in to the line.

The Right Road

Long run Saturday, mixed training today, Sunday.
I did the same out and back Saturday as last week, heading west on Griffin and cutting back through the Seminoles rez. This time, I rounded it out a bit, and when I made the turn off Griffin was careful to pay attention to my direction. Luckily, I found the that turn I'd missed, and the right road east. Like before, it was a long slog that got slightly better the further I went. The last punch on Thomas was a series of fartleks, taking the blocks one by one. And though the morning was hot, with plenty of humidity, I acclimated enough to make it a decent run.

Today, I dodged the storms up to Publix and over to Gold's gym. The overall pace was hardly out of first gear I'm sure, but I did manage a beautiful stretch over to Angler's Ave, quite alone without traffic- and my head wandering through every cloud and raindrop, forgetting at times I was even running.

Maybe those are the best. Lost in motion, in space. The Chi Running is certainly helping...as I move into the forward progress I keep hoping to make.

A Change is Gonna Come

Recovery day. Up early to get into the office so I could leave early and get to the condo, shop for Mom and the aide, sort the bills, and get over to the nursing home. Met with Dad, the social worker and 2-3 other staff to make the case. Dad fought it tooth and nail. Thanks to the staff who backed me up, because I did not back down. The goal, to begin to formulate the plan out of their condo for them both, is now in sight. And for the first time in a long while, I am breathing a bit easier.

The long road ahead will take every skill I possess, an I few I need to learn fast!! The mileage that eats at the last legs of a run try to lure us off the finish altogether until we realize it's just one more mile, or one more block, or another kick to get home.

It's a good thing I've learned how to persevere. My endurance is good. My spirits are not always at their best, but hey! I'm tired!!! This has been a very rocky road. But finally, we are getting to what I sense is the better place. Thanks to the staff at The Courts. You gals rock!

Falling Forward

As a motivational present to myself for the marathon training, I got the CD version of Chi Running so I could load it onto the ipod. Danny Dreyer, an uber-ultra runner took up Tai Chi one day realizing how much he could apply it to running. As I've begun to listen I'm realizing how democratic truly universal truths are; what I aspire to in my rightbrain running is very resonate with him. But what I think I've found is an aspect I've been searching for- the core principles and practice of Tai Chi as it really structures the 'practice' of running.

I set out just after 6AM today and began to listen. Although many of his introductory material is not meant for running itself, I incorporated everything he was saying into the run as much as possible. The dawn was on its way. Early traffic, my nemesis, was cranking up, spoiling the otherwise surreal silence of the end of night. Waking up this early is not natural for me, as a restless 'night owl, who spends forever falling asleep as I meander the inroads of my mind. I was dragging ass big-time as I rounded out at Publix, timing it right so that I caught them just after opening and gave myself the needed potty and water break.

Back out on the road, I began to sense some of what he was teaching...that the 'force' of the road, plus the force of gravity combines with our own postural integrity to utilize the most efficiency, relaxation and ease of motion in the run. As I made the turn at 40th, I began to sense how the shift in my attention was beginning to ease the fatigue- not in the exhilaration sense of mystic dissociation I usually strive for, but in the centered support of the martial art. The body seeks to move in a natural way, easing the energy through it. The mind needs to work in sync to facilitate it "like an old married couple" was his metaphor. Integrating mind with body, through spiritual energy is right up my alley. I found it easy to transition my focus to accommodate this. By the time I rounded into Emerald Hills, I found just the rhythm I hoped for, a taste of what this could be. A freedom from resistance to pursuing my dream of long-distance, effortless running for many years. No reason why not. Just keep practicing.

When he talks about the movable force of the ground meeting the feet in the run, I thought about the elements at work in my life which at first look feel so resistant and immovable, but are themselves in motion and at work on other levels. I suddenly saw the connection between my traditional Aries means of working through my will to accomplish the distance, the overall mileage, the goals- and the subsequent aches, pains and fatigue. Distance training is not for the weak, but like any athlete I suffer from the desire to 'overcome'. I realized today, like in everything, it is the moving with, not through the apparent obstacle, finding the inner center point where those forces meet to produce the way. I needn't worry about fortitude. I needed to relax.

It was a pretty run, in the end. I came into TY park for some stretches and felt a sense of rejuvenation as I surveyed the vast expanse of greenery, the collection of odd-ball exercisers, the long trails of gray clouds promising some relief from constant heat and sun. I felt a new upswell of gratitude and inspiration for the inner guides who place in my life everything I need to keep doing what I do. I don't know how we choose our goals. As in group last night, according to Tom C., its not "I am searching for my higher power...but maybe it's searching for me."

No matter how hard I try to abdicate, Life comes finding me. But I am such an easy mark. I am so full of the depth of the beauty of earth, air, elemental stuff. The poignancy of humanity pulls me in every time. My own path, complete with sordid stuff that like anyone I wish would displace itself elsewhere, becomes the holy road to meet the gods. They never begrudge me my struggles. They seem to celebrate, always, any effort I make to meet them. Then the party really begins!

Mother's Day Run '09

I knew the temps were expected to be high, as well as the humidity, and starting out at 7:30AM was not early enough. I kept trying to ratchet down expectations but once I began, the morning air felt so good, I settled into the first stretch into Emerald Hills and thought, let's just see what happens.

To run on a Sunday morning is to have the world to myself. I put the ipod on This American Life, full of nice long interesting stories, and set off to the West. I figured I'd cut into the Seminoles rez and keep heading west. But when I crested to rise over the Turnpike I passed that turn and kept heading out Stirling. Lo and behold, as I began to feel hot and weak, a Publix appeared! Note to self, Publix on Stirling west of Turnpike. Kept west until I hit Davie Rd and my chance to turn south into shaded neighborhoods. Somewhere in here I got lost; not sure where my head was, but before I knew it, I saw Sheridan looming and realized I needed to turn east. The stretch that took me back to the overpass on 441 was hot as I took a straight shot through bare-naked, hard scrabble streets, the foreclosure signs, the edges of disrepair showing, until I found my oasis at John Anderson Park.

I took my time recovering, re-hydrating and thank god, refueling thanks to a leftover accelerade gel from the half marathon. The Park was lovely with its lush trees and dog walkers, the sun hidden behind a canopy of breathing green. Heading out, I decided to take the straight shot east on Thomas, and put my mind on automatic, work on the goal of keeping some semblance of form and comfort as I came into the home stretch.

This was the first of the longer runs in a while. Altogether I guess 10-12 miles, not sure. Maybe more. Usually by the time I hit that last bit I am past played, I am dragging ass all the way. This time, I found myself crossing 56th into an easy swing of arms and legs into a rhythm I didn't think I could muster. I had good tunes rolling now, and lifted out of my worries, my stiffness, the discomfort that comes with a long run, and shifted silently into a gait that took me more or less comfortably home.

I loved that last fartlek, rounding the final corner onto my neighborhood streets, willing myself to see it all the way through the end, trying to stop, to walk, to regain a spring in my step. I felt triumphant, exuberant. The marathon, which seemed a world away suddenly collapsed into doable segments. A few of these put together, on top of all the strength I can muster equals decent finish on race day. I can still do it. It is still possible.

The rest of the day unraveled into heartache and disappointment, as the reality of family challenges continues to sink in. Running teaches me that what others accept as permanent obstacles are never as solid as we think. There is only our choice not to engage it, not to take it on, not to believe it's possible. Where faith pulls the door open, hard work makes it happen. That, and the integration of body with soul as it travels the big lonely roads of life.

Will you join me? Are you wondering what you, too could accomplish, if you try? Do it, I say. The Universe will come behind you and place wings on your feet. The energy will be there, just when you least expect it. The Mother finds a way to put all of us in Her lap of abundance, if we can only see it through the haze of our tears.

A Lot Flow, a little Ebb

The Dalai Lama is speaking with Tareek Aziz (please excuse sp.) on CNN tomorrow. 50 years of Chinese occupation will certainly be in review. Good.

I took a novel approach to training this morning, parking my car at the gym, running to Griffin and Publix, and back, then weight training and elliptical. Even at 7AM the temps registered on the digital sign by Angler's Ave, 81. I would normally go long over the weekend, both days. I really need a strategy for this heat. I can see, this is going to be my big obstacle to mileage.

I kinda liked landing at the gym, and taking my time through some weights, stretches. Watching the big time gym rats, the ladies at their class, the trainers circulating with their clients. I forget this was one of my old part-time jobs, when aerobics and baggy socks with those body-hugging leotards were the thing. I forget that I have been at this physical fitness thing a long time.

At the conference yesterday somebody talked about how 'the times' means they will deal with 'stress' by eating what they want when they want it. I scoffed until today when I realized this is my outlet too. Difference is still choosing for health. And I feel perfectly fine, if tired, the manic-melancholic swing of events leaving me tumbled on the floor like the laundry that piled all over the place. A small place, a myriad of messes, projects, intents.

At the conference yesterday I realized, walking out, that 12 years of my life, dedicated to getting all the right letters after my name and calling myself what I am is finally upon me, and how the rhythm of our lives follows such mysterious currents as it resonates with the openings left in our doubt. Where vision enlightened the way for a new life, hard work had to make it happen. But there were the same words, I read them, from the old days as if they were yesterday. How my understanding came so clear! How excited I was to find the ability to knit things together. How wonderful to share what I feel and watch others take the chance for new insight and understanding.

At the conference yesterday the presence of the path, of doing NSU and the class- for licensure- for the Big Picture of my independent career and mission, was offset by the family. And the sub-plots of personal life. But really what I find myself daydreaming about is getting back to those long, lazy loops out past University, down through Hollywood, around the downtown Ft. Lauderdale circuit, the beautiful escape from responsibility to deep need.

I need to be moving along. Whether ebb or flow, waxing or waning, I need to muster the energy to fall deep into myself. Only the call and return of that Source seems to link me to ultimate purpose. And the pattern of these instruments as they blend the path that is me.

It's Been a Long Time

There are so many 'firsts' now, first time dad goes into a nursing home for his own reasons, first time running all the errands, first time making all the calls coordinating parties, first time realizing they aren't following my life anymore. I have the workshop tomorrow. I find myself 'compartmentalizing' by default. The part of me that runs workshop. The part of me that runs errands. The part of me that isn't reflected at all, by them. The part of me that just runs.

Blisters are now the problem. It seems the fates are asking me to surmount continuous challenge of all sizes, even the new blisters from this morning. Oh, and I was up, up deliriously early, the pre-dawn breezes following me up Park where the other very early runners began at TY. Motionless and dark, the houses of the neighborhoods, the rushing commuters, contrasting as I tried, and tried to find a rhythm. I left the bandaids on from the other ones....the blisters from last week. A 7-8 miler that could have shaped up beautifully became a lame escape, walking the last mile easy, mad at myself, at them, at a lot of things.

The good thing about my anger is the energy it gives. Exhaustion settles in around the edges, but at the core I feel like a red-hot firecracker ready to explode on the scene. Watch out, get out of the way, mission to accomplish, mileage to run. Errands, old tapes of old times when telling them about my life meant something to all of us.

It is the saddest thing. If we chip away at it long enough, what will be left? Besides the tiny packages of their frail bodies. The loss of speech, hearing, understanding. The loss of mobility, connection, meaning. So it must mean something to me. I need to carry the story myself, and use it to fuel the deep need for impact. That somehow, no matter how hard, everything we do is a matter of great importance. We are resonating with our imperatives. And they will not give us up, if we do not give up on them.

Heavy

I dragged my ass and my heart along for a slow and sluggish run this morning. The changes with my folks and all the decisions, consults, emotions and energy kept running along side me like quicksands, pulling at my feet, loading down my arms, laboring my breath. I was dog tired. The weather has a blanket of heat on it, even in the early dawn, and the humidity is present. Spring, that beautiful elusive season rare in south florida appears to be done with us, as our typical hot, muggy and runner-unfriendly weather returns.

I did the Griffin loop, rounding out at Emerald Hills just in time to hit a bit of a stride in face of unexpected wind. Maybe it's the resistance. But I rallied a nice stretch and tried to keep my focus on my form, a means of associating with the positive physical aspects of the run, testing shoulders, hips etc against an inner imperative to keep the gait going. It was good, too, because I finally felt a lessening of tensions. I have not lost the burden. The transition of age, which brings its awful and inevitable losses, is upon us. And like the marathon training, it has just begun. I am only now ramping up for bigger things to come. If I don't watch it, I will lose the ability to endure, which I have worked so hard to achieve. Worse yet, I risk good management which comes from keeping a perspective. I tell myself to remember the Big Picture, the Highest Purpose, the Keeper of my soul which will accompany me where ever I need to go, whether on the run, or on the Path. And, yes, them too.