Hope Grows

I woke up late today since the phone alarm was on 'beep', bounded out of bed, threw on my clothes, took my supplements, drank my morning shake and swept out the door. The beautiful big bright morning was almost harsh since I usually go out earlier when the edges of dawn are fading, and the light is soft and lush. Ok, though, with limited time, I wanted to accomplish at least an out and back along Park, and wake up my legs.

I was all in my head until I rounded a corner and saw a guy in a wheelchair taking in the day with his dog on support leash....we smiled at each other and I thought, look now, you get to gripe about your crappy training...while he's out for a nice ride...suck it up!! And found my perspective, thanks to him.

All the aches and pains present and accounted for. This time, I took a page from Marlon's posts and put in significant walk breaks. I did this all through to my turn-around at the small park for water...then headed back east. I felt my endurance somewhere out of my grasp....but at moments, the rhythm of the gait was there, and the discomfort eased. I kept my focus on form, and on finding the places that feel stuck- the back of my knees, hamstrings, all the sitting every day at work makes this shelf of soreness at the base of my ass....and I know I need to work on getting my core back to being strong to carry my legs through.

At the last stretch I put a little gas on it, and enjoyed the sweat, heat, effort, the in and out of my breath, the feeling of freedom to put myself out on the road in the middle of a beautiful autumn morning (even if it is 80 degrees). While I struggled these past few weeks to believe in miraculous saves, now my hope grows. The chaos of change opens unexpected doors, and I need to be brave enough to walk on through. Or run!

When the Going Gets Tough

...toughies like me keep going. Forget tears, heartbreak, betrayal, denial, detrimental digressions, loss of all kinds....forget it.

My problems are high-class. I have what it takes. Those who seek to thwart me, either on purpose or with cruel abandon can step aside. I am done with rescue. I am through with self-sacrifice on someone else's altar. Time to get back to the core of my own and claim those dreams into reality...

...while the road rolls along. The path unfolds beneath our feet, even when we're not looking. Just when we think we get our gait, the air can be taken from us. And the sun hide behind mountains of illusion. Our job is to gather ourselves like flowers and find the door to inner awareness; where the finish line is always just around the corner.

Denial

Is it natural to feel so much pain after a marathon? My Chiro wants to say perhaps stress fractures are the reason....of course without big testing there is no way to know for sure. Yesterday, running a very modest 5-6 miles was amazingly uncomfortable...no matter what it took a particular effort to dissociate my mind from the pain. Did it feel good eventually on other levels? Yes, which of course is the 'hook'...because no matter what, the chemical blaze and hormonal wash from heavy exertion still feels blissful after, just like...well you know.

I've been forced to acknowledge a lot of denial lately, and it sucks. My normally optimistic nature (well, about some things!), my naivety, my desire for relationship, positive work efforts etc have all been challenged by the cold hearted realities of the sad side, the loss of moral good-will, ethical intent, push to understand, need to know the truth.

It was truth which got the ball started. It's been truth which clangs like a loud bell in me when I compromise, when I'm forced to stoop to some other level ... when the ends justify the means.

I don't like who I become when I compromise so much of myself. I'm not sure I like the pressure of training, buying, bringing so much corporate america into my running.
Maybe at least for now, the longing to touch the natural base of things will lure me back to the heart at everything; the connection to the run, to myself, to my dear ones. If the universe itself will not discriminate, then I must be the filter and save myself a little trouble by finding the brothers and sisters of Light.

MCM part 2

There may be no enumeration of every part of MCM. There are, instead, flashes of images and moments which still capture the feeling of the day. Getting up so early we were on the 2nd shuttle bus to the staging area, waiting hours in the cold and dark for dawn and the start. Standing in the corral with the other 5-6+finishers, hearing at a huge distance as the gun went off- and still standing, shuffling for another half an hour to get to the start line. Blasting off through Arlington, not feeling my feet for a good 2-3 miles, which ironically enabled me to take the hills since I couldn't feel 'em! Parks. Lots of them. Rock Creek, going deep into nature before the first punishing hill, my first potty stop and on into Georgetown. The crowds. The police. The Marines. Impromptu stands with beer, champaigne, cookies, candies. The sweep down towards the Potomac and Hain's point and my first serious doubts about my conditioning, big discomfort, and not even at the halfway point. The steady stream of old, young, fat, skinny, raucous and quiet runners all around and the groups I keep passing, who pass me, who walk, run, shuffle their way - we keep moving forward, somehow. The vast Potomac and the eventual turn up into downtown and the Mall. Crowds. Many are oblivious to the race...looking at us like, what are you doing??? The monuments, huge granite buildings, greenways, and endless roads until I first see The Team....! The two minutes of emotional release over hugs, screams, shouts and encouragements before taking off again to 'catch the bridge' to Crystal City. Hitting 'the wall' between hydration/food tables and shouting out loud "I need something!" before miraculously a food stop and 'sports beans' are handed right to me...taking the bridge to Crystal City in a run/walk (mostly walk) and getting fooled when I see the turn off, because I think its short when in fact its a bunch more miles to get us heading back to the finish again....Seeing the team again, then again like magicians popping up where I least expect them! With water, good cheer and following their instructions NOT to let me quit! Realizing I may not make my time, and that it was all about survival in the last miles, hurting, hurling myself forward, crying my eyes out with all the Marines surrounding us, holding Dad's picture. The last mile, endless! The crowds had thinned...and everywhere finishers were placidly walking back past us. The last punishing incline up to the line and gobs of people everywhere! Crossing the line and thinking, THANK GOD ITS OVER while scanning the crowds for the kids- and finding them right there, tracking me as I come in.

The reunion, hugs, tears, painful walk and finally, sitting down in the cafe over coffee and cake. Throngs on the subway making our way out of the city. Pizza with the team and the final downtime at the hotel with CeeCee.

It took a Village to pull it all off. I realize, as more time goes by, that the commitment we made as a team to make this happen was stellar. Everyone stood with me and made their sacrifice; Vitae to walk those many miles, CeeCee to take all those days traveling in to be my 'second'; the kids to coordinate, document, support and give me anything I needed when I needed it....and the Marines who really know how to throw a marathon!

Now that it's back to the thick of work/exam time, I try to catch up with the surreal wonder of it all. I have run a handful of times now since getting back to SoFlo and cherish my weather, my open roads and flat terrain, conditions favorable to a middle-aged runner gal. But I'm glad I pitted myself against extraordinary challenges and found I could make my way up those hills, through those crowds, push past the pain and make it to the line. The marathon helps me believe I can do anything I set my mind to. Just taking it one step at a time, eating those miles and accepting the help I need.

World Run Day 09

Every time I run I unlock new secrets of this fine art. In the middle of post-vacation post-backtowork fatigue, I took off midday and into the buffeting winds of Ida. Her cloud cover was never far from the sun, and gave me lots of respite from any real heat. The air felt fantastic; running into the winds is high exercise, and I relished the rhythm I got up from having to dig and dig consistently to move forward. Felt good.

I am alone in my head. The beauty of it is the solitude. We are a people not in touch with our own Selves. Distraction of every kind suck us into vortexes of compulsive purpose. So what's so unusual about seeking oneself? I take the first few steps with gleeful joy...I know that soon the trance will be upon me and any thought in my head is permitted and heard above the clip of my gait. I love that presence in my mind of endless storyboards...hoards of ideas, riots of ramifications, associations, imaginations. The movement sets me free. My meditation moves into the 3 dimensional world by stealth. I take the moment and add it with the train of my route, from back to top, up and down, around the streets I run.

I honor the power of my body, which I never knew I had. Sustaining itself just at the level of discomforts, with enough strength to feel the bones in my feet, the muscles of my calves, the pendulum swing of my arms arcing through the air.

The gods run after goddesses who hunt deep in forests alive with life. We are a running people, we join together, or separate as paths project themselves into our lives, leading us on down the road.

World Run Day 2009 awaits

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Though the story of my MCM marathon is coming out in dribs and drabs, new chapters get underway. The New York marathon on Sunday saw some surprising results, Meb taking the men's lead and Tulu the women's. I watched with compassion as my girl Paula fell behind from first position to 4th, which she shared with Ryan Hall on the men's side. I recognized all that agony and triumph, from pain to pleasure. If there is anything that encompasses both, it's the marathon.

World Run Day is coming up, and I will honor my compulsive avocation by joining anyone who wants to show up at Hugh Birch state park in Ft Lauderdale at 1P this Sunday. The last parking/picnic area on the right. One loop is shy of 2 miles. Do as many as you'd like. My plan? Remember I run to enjoy the many wonderful elements of the outdoors, fresh air, sunshine (please), and the rhythm of my own body. Share it with me and I have the pleasure of camaraderie. Slow slog it or sprint. Move your body, and your soul may thank you. Commit yourself to a new way of appreciating yourself. Promise to end the year with an eye towards better health, more energy next year.

I came home to work chaos and too much to do too suddenly. My thoughts go immediately to my next run. Tomorrow, its out again for a relaxed loop through the neighborhood. Relax my mind, build my body. Mend my spirit for the long road ahead.