Denial

Is it natural to feel so much pain after a marathon? My Chiro wants to say perhaps stress fractures are the reason....of course without big testing there is no way to know for sure. Yesterday, running a very modest 5-6 miles was amazingly uncomfortable...no matter what it took a particular effort to dissociate my mind from the pain. Did it feel good eventually on other levels? Yes, which of course is the 'hook'...because no matter what, the chemical blaze and hormonal wash from heavy exertion still feels blissful after, just like...well you know.

I've been forced to acknowledge a lot of denial lately, and it sucks. My normally optimistic nature (well, about some things!), my naivety, my desire for relationship, positive work efforts etc have all been challenged by the cold hearted realities of the sad side, the loss of moral good-will, ethical intent, push to understand, need to know the truth.

It was truth which got the ball started. It's been truth which clangs like a loud bell in me when I compromise, when I'm forced to stoop to some other level ... when the ends justify the means.

I don't like who I become when I compromise so much of myself. I'm not sure I like the pressure of training, buying, bringing so much corporate america into my running.
Maybe at least for now, the longing to touch the natural base of things will lure me back to the heart at everything; the connection to the run, to myself, to my dear ones. If the universe itself will not discriminate, then I must be the filter and save myself a little trouble by finding the brothers and sisters of Light.