New Year's Resolution: Balance in 2014

I am living vicariously through the uber-runners out there doing marathons and other extraordinary feats to close out the year.  Yesterday,  my westerly loop was just enough of a challenge to 'feel it'...today I opted out of running to give my body a last rest- sans work and all other obligations, to truly reflect:  not so much on where I've been, but where I'm going.

It seems as if I was stuck on some kind of perpetual loop in 2013.  Out on the roads,  I found myself taking the same turns,  feeling the same fatigue,  the work routines,  predictable politics and frustrations,  even the same tired relationship stories...endless obsessive and narrow pursuits.
Something in me knew it was a limited trap, after all it was MY trap.  I made this strange confluence of pathways.  I stuck with the same box of colors, and kept wondering where all the twinkling sparkle was at....It was time to look outside that box, stop looping around the same familiar tracks.  Some roads are no longer meant to be followed.

I've learned that my relationship with Mother Earth is the whole reason I persist.  Just as She supports us all,  it's way past time for all of us to support Her.  Divine and ET interventions aside,  if we don't get our collective shit together, then we/humanity can kiss it all goodbye and try somewhere else, if such chances are given to those who seduce-to-destroy with careless and reckless abandon.   I've never felt how sheer existence balances on the head of a pin, and one's tipping point,  towards destruction or creation, can look so much like the same thing.  I'd like to imagine Gaia knows how it turns out and is reassuring us to keep making resolutions and dreams,  to keep following good roads into the future.

If you are, like me,  someone who can easily get lost,  then some of those familiar roads may offer the safety net you need to just keep moving forward.  But ask yourself anytime you are persuaded from your purpose:  what kind of experience am I after?  And what kind of earth will support that?  I want back the land, the housing, gardens, studio of my prior life.  But I want it in a new form, in the New Earth.  And I want a New Me to live there.

Winter Solstice: We Welcome the Abundance of Hope

I woke before dawn, and when I made it over to Dania beach the first morning colors were just coming up over the ocean.  High winds were whipping the waves, but the air was clear and filled with the briny smells of everything washing up through the salty surf.  I took a gentle jog down the beach,  passing little knots of other folks huddling here and there- not as many as last year for the 2012, but clearly out like me to see the Solstice sunrise. 

By the time the goddess team arrived I'd began making the mandala, using the logical and abundant material- seaweed- and happy to join in the spontaneous dancing, drumming and meandering about that only a 3 year old brings! 

I made an inner circle around the 4 directions: I wanted something to symbolize the microcosm of our physical beings IN the world surrounded by the macrocosm of all that supports us OF the world, placed as we are in the BiGGER circles of the planets, sun and all life. 

So while goddess-in-training Naomi tries out Celeste's singing bowl,  and the candle, sage and various artifacts placed in the center,  we also state our hopes and prayers to place into the circle....

...as the sun rises.....

...and we end our little ceremony by closing the mandala/circle and leaving it for the beach to absorb.

Celeste and I both remarked on the contrast from last year to this:  from the dark pressures of the 2012 culmination point, through a challenging year,  to the lightness and joy this year!  Naomi said the sun was "happy"...and I agree....all up and down the beach,  the seagulls seemed excited and free,  the sun was bright and the water was full of diamonds glittering on the waves....

Sunday I took myself out on the Big Griffin loop and into the gorgeous day,  my heart full of those sparkling edges coming off the soles of my feet as I found a gait and ran more distance than I've done in a while...I was eager to see everything and feel the world come to me in the costume of 'ever-green' and verdant south Florida.  The knowing that my body was still capable of performing such a seemingly simple function- to run- filled me with gratitude and joy.  There is nothing like unfettered movement, out in beautiful Mother Nature,  to heal whatever hurts my heart.

I feel ready for my vacay break,  time to work on- and spend with- my space, and get ready for the unfolding of 'next chapters'...some known and some, I trust,  mysteries.  It used to be 'trepidation' when I thought about those future challenges. Now it's the raw enthusiasm an Aries gal like me can muster from that deep expeditionary impulse:  to go, to know, to see,  to feel myself Free to keep becoming what I am meant to be. 

Closing in on the Longest Night; its all Lightward from Here

I'm guessing it's been about a month from my side injury and physical setbacks which kept the miles low.  Winter is happening elsewhere, and I missed plenty of gorgeous, warm days not on the roads.  A significant depressive episode during Thanksgiving caught me off guard, and it would seem I was scheduled to meet up with my Shadow for a last go-round before the year wrapped itself up. 

Sudden changes can bring as much stress as laying fallow.  So this curious mixture of forces deep at work,  micro and macro, while my running regressed was frustrating.  Just when it seemed I needed those miles most,  my body ramped down into beginner's mode....a slow jog when I could,  plenty of walking/breaks, more off days than on....the only thing I was disciplined to increase was my yoga. 

I learned significant lessons from this Shadow encounter.  How vulnerable I can be.  How much that innocent wanderer I was as a young child holds onto running as a last bastion where I can move freely in the world.  The toll work and people can take on me.  The stress I put on myself.  Baggage and agreements long held amended.  The fear and anger I held against that girl for not 'knowing any better' (youngest child syndrome...in the perpetual dark about what's going on with all the older people around you...) and all the jams I've been in since.....began to evaporate.  I connect with that little wanderer who knew every back path in the neighborhood, and began my lifelong love of long treks (now runs) and 'getting lost' in Nature.

My mom's death anniversary comes up New year's eve too...so added to this the yearly remembrance of Motherhood themes of bonding and losses which permeate my life....and the stability I found in a conscious connection with Great Mother as a resonance to the Life force I always felt in and around Nature and my own pure spiritual being. 

The shamanic descent of humanity this time of year is amplified by Cosmic forces too numerous to mention.  While the plans and palette of Universal architects renovate our foundations,  we wander through the sparkle of photons pinging like tiny receptors towards our next world.   Mother Nature is coming on fierce these days,  after all there is much to do in this rehab project....but She's been shining bright out my window and giving us tropical splendor, a reminder that not all change is hard.   And back on my lovely Griffin loop this morning,  slogging my way through the last few miles,  I finally remembered to get out of my head and really LOOK at the skies, the flowering landscape, all the beauty around me.

The blackest black has a beauty.  And the boundless imprint of Light lifting our souls into its right  Loving place is beautiful.  But what I love most is all that stuff in-between.  Today I learned my every step has a beauty, no matter where I think I am 'in the process'.    May we all learn how beautiful our vulnerability is this year.  And how strong we can become. 

Slow Run: Moving is still movement

I have a saying about myself:  I am a high energy person in a low energy body.  Meaning,  all my life I have had enormous mental and spiritual energies...which often translated into wild and unpredictable emotional energy.....and generally leaves my body lagging behind in an attempt to keep up!  Running became my Grounding practice.  Good run or bad,  nice weather or not,  keeping a routine of getting out there consistently to move my body has helped me re-introduce myself to my body in a new way.   Where I used to think of bodies as "necessary", something to endure, put up with,  micro-manage (ok I still do that),  I began to feel it was my vehicle towards total integration.   Movement, meditation, free thinking...often crying or otherwise weird emotional expressions!....Running was truly the thing that put it all together.

So as I navigate the health system to determine what, if anything, is going on with said body,  I've ramped down the miles.   Yesterday,  my typical long run day,  I simply put my shoes on and headed out past the park with no expectations...walking, walking, finally finding a very slow- but steady- jog pace that I kept up meandering through Emerald Hills,  up towards Griffin,  and turning for the cut-down back to Park.  Maybe 5-6 miles?  And often feeling like I just couldn't quite hit that next gear- breaking to walk the last mile or so.  I felt a little lost and frustrated.  I wondered what was wrong and how to fix it.  I wanted back my Long Run Bliss....and kept that thread of thinking up until the orange bougainvillea practically grabbed me as I passed by:

 The light was streaming through the intense orange....and I 'felt' Mello (her color) reach over and grab me, saying something like "Rainbow Warrior,  wake up!! What gives?! Turn this thing around!  Change is in the air!!"  (Mello was never known for 'soft and warm'...more like spiritual drill sergeant!)

So I stopped right there.  I looked closer,  took pix...admired the light,  the array of spider webs, the intense color...I 'felt' her pressing upon me, connecting with me,  standing with me.  I felt supported by my Sun Temple brothers and sisters and dismissed the tapes of "not enough" as in "not good enough" and decided right then to stop punishing myself for perceived flaws and failures.   The body does what it needs to do,  and high time I support it whole-heartedly and take GOOD CARE of ME.

Thanksgiving is a time for looking at all that tumbles out of the vast Cornucopia of Life.  The generosity of living comes with its share of triumphs and challenges.  I will write more towards week's end about all the ways in which this year,  the holidays move us to turn ever deeper into our spiritual nature and reap the Bounty of Understanding...not just for everyone else in our lives,  but for our Selves as well!! 

Super Portal/Full Moon Run

It's a treat, being a long-distance runner, out in the world by yourself with not a soul to make you bad-tempered or tell you what to do.

Alan Sillitoe, The Loneliness of the Long-Distance Runner

Mother Nature ramps up Her housecleaning project,  shaking out the cobwebs from Spider Woman's unused webs which vibrates the energy grids from end to end,  creating waves of weather and deep earth changes.  Throw in the intense pull from Super Portal/full moon and yes, Ison (Isis?!) and others,  and for me it felt almost as if I had 'slipped' off one timeline and found myself in another....more surreal than real.

Many folks find themselves in their religious or spiritual circles these days, whether praying for the lost, the stricken, for their own troubles and challenges or grounding the Light for global transformation- and that was me, once, back in Virginia.  Here in Florida,  while building the externals of career and early Crone-hood,  it seemed I was asked to 'go within'...and establish the certainty of my heart's own vibe and direction.  A necessity, it seems, for a therapist to remain balanced, healthy and available for clients who come to me for help. 

I learned to turn loneliness on its head and develop the beautiful peace that comes with solitude...to cultivate the silence and appreciate the down-time as rest and rejuvenation time.  I take each run as a mystical break from the 'every day' and plunge myself into what friend Stuart calls "liminal tme" which usually refers to the dream-state, but I know is another layer of my life,  peeking into the corners of the day.  Recovering from my self-imposed yoga injury, whatever it was/is (rib? muscle?),  I headed out yesterday and automatically climbed the overpass turning for 29th and my Griffin loop.  Like any old horse on the trails,  familiarity breeds comfort.  I didn't want to think about where I was going.  I wanted to focus on how my body felt along the way.

The pull under my ribcage made it feel as if I was hitching constantly to the left.  I focused on breathing (hadn't been able to breathe really deep....) and syncing my steps into a rhythm that wouldn't aggravate, but support the breath.   After ramping down all my efforts last week it was a glorious feeling to have any 'umph' in my gait.  And it showed me that laying the base- all these many months of weekly miles- the strong foundation in whatever we do - has a 'pay-off' - whether we see it immediately or not- for all the efforts that come. 

As if to make the point further,  my small collection of orchids inherited from my father have gone into overdrive this year!  The purple blossom above is a new bloom- in the 5 years this orchid has been with me,  I have never seen it bloom!  Granted my plants seem to love the high solar energies etc....everything in my humble abode is growing!!  But I take this as a particular sign:  "as above so below" knowing that what I experience on one level reverberates throughout my life.    Dad seems to want me to know....to GROW....and to take this Portal, like any other,  with a sense of curiosity, adventure and confidence.   Nothing 'grows'/lives by itself.  We are all interconnected.  So where's the loneliness now?  All Life has come to your aid, to grow you into your Path.  What catches your eye, your heart, yur focus?  Follow the lead of YOUR heart's song and watch life blossom as you move forward!

World Run Day 2013

Jim, on the left, may remember the exact year:  I have not run an official "World Run Day" since then.  It was shortly after this that Tom,  the big guy in the middle,  died of an alcohol-induced OD after some years clean.  Still hard to grasp:  and I miss him as much as ever.

It's hard to regroup after set-backs.  I pulled something (or bruised or cracked something?) under and in my rib cage doing 'relaxation' yoga (haha) Friday.  I ran a simple out and back Saturday,  not TOO bad,  then Sunday to pay homage to World Run Day,  got back up on the Griffin loop.  It was very uncomfortable,  and worse,  I can't take a full deep breath.  Today I had to give it up and give in:  sometimes a body just needs to stop and rest.  

...and take heed of the Big Picture.....

So I'm back to basics.  Plants-putzing out on the back porch as they bloom out in the short arc of the southern sun, especially Dad's orchids.  Absorbing news of the world while running the 'alternate program' of cozy and comforting home,  putting all my remedies to work:  ginger and turmeric,  quercitin,  aloe....cold-pack- having to 'sit on my hands' so as not to try more stretching, etc. and just ....let.... it ....be....

I always have such high hopes for running.  Like everything else in life,  I dream big:  convinced that like my other running buddies I will hit these big benchmarks and push myself into another race this winter, (at least a half, geez!)....and uneasy when I have to pause the tape (fear of losing progress, fitness....).   While a part of me refuses to 'settle' for moderate level outcomes,  I also realize the series of Stepping Stones involved to move forward.  What looks like 2 steps forward/20 steps back is only from my limited perspective.  It could be the Phillipines.  It could be anywhere else with a million other kinds of challenges....more dire than anything on my plate.

Here's to gaining perspective, gratitude and humility.  To the grace of time to have this rest,  and a moment to reflect... to appreciate Dad on Vet's day and knowing these orchids are just another means of linking us in our eternal bond and appreciation.  I know you're there, Dad, keep a good eye out for me, I'm keeping one on you!

NYC Marathon Thrills! And other Runs

I ran Friday and Saturday,  back on the Griffin loop then a modest little out and back Saturday early in the morning before clients.  It felt as if a delicate balance had been achieved between my perpetual struggles and a feeling of comfortability out on the roads,  not enough for anything very long, but...long enough.  So many runners are racing or preparing for races.  I think I've had it in mind all along that if I could pull out some consistency,  I could train for Miami or Ft. Lauderdale, at least the half, in early 2014. 

So when a big marathon comes around like NYC on Sunday,  it's a chance to get re-ignited with the passion of my chosen sport:  NYC is legendary.  And this year, with even more importance, coming back from last year's last minute cancellation due to hurricane Sandy, and in homage to Boston,  48,000+ runners left the starting line!  In a chilly 46 degrees and a head wind,  they left their respective corrals and headed into history as they started up the Verrazano bridge. 

Meanwhile,  I woke up to early light thanks to daylights savings time and the usual beautiful skies of fall in SoFlo....glad to have time on my side but feeling fatigued as hell.   Running consecutive days no matter how modest is hard on me,  so I figured just to let my feet tell me where they wanted to go as I headed out past the park and into the heart of Emerald Hills.  It felt extra tough getting 'into' my body....I cut short at 56th and turned south, taking a pit-stop at little Oak Park where all the ducks and geese congregate hoping for a hand-out, and meandered past Park to pick up a side-street turning towards home.

I knew I didn't have it in me.  I pat-patted down streets eerily silent in the early morning, as the slight breeze, still cool at the edges, rustled an occasional palm or brought the bark of a fenced dog to my ear....I got lost in my thoughts and followed my body's lead, turning up towards Park once more and a last stretch of pulling out just a bit of speed,  a little lift to my feet, as I rounded it out for home.

I didn't think they were broadcasting live!  So when I settled in with breakfast and coffee...there!  the start of NYC!  WOW!  I saw Meb getting emotional at the national anthem,  the rest of the Kenyans and others at the front of the pack (both men and women),  the long long knots of runners in their respective time corrals (oh how I know that feeling of pulling up the rear, waiting forever to finally make it just to the start line!), until BAM! the Big Gun goes off and so do they!

Now:  imagine a caliber of running so amazing that for 26+ miles they can sustain something in the range of a 4-5 min. mile CONSISTENTLY!  Then imagine the shake-out as a whole group of such runners attempts to sort themselves out on the NY streets until Mutai,  natural that he is,  took the lead- and won it!  A very humble Kenyan who took

that race like a stroll in the park, who has set the marathon record (about 2:03:)  and yesterday ran in that headwind for a VERY respectable 2:08: (approx)

Meanwhile,  as 2 womens' leaders appeared to duke it out for their respective 1st and 2nd place finishes,  Priscah Jeptoo came from the pack behind them, flung herself down the course and FLEW by them both,  to win the women's title!  She was AMAZING....and inspirational! running in a style that suggested either fatigue or undisciplined excitement and was neither:  and a good lesson in 'whatever works' in her unusual form, arms flailing,  long legs tacking out from the knee, looking for all the world like a windmill rolling down the street!  But FLYING! 

Somewhere I heard in all the stats that most elite runners spend about 75% of their time IN THE AIR. 

I stopped many times on my Sunday run when something caught my eye, as I usually do;  this was the light hitting the foliage at the side of my 56th St. cut-down...as usual,  running in part just to see what Mother Nature has been up to,   and to absorb the air, the sunlight,  and to let my body 'let go' of whatever has constrained me otherwise. 

Later,  when I had those images in my head of Mutai flying into first place,  or Priscah focusing on passing those leaders,  and the humble gratitude and tears shed as they crossed their finish lines,  I felt proud to BE a runner!! 

Because....THIS (above) is what average runners like me look like at the finish....shouting, clasping hands,  walking and sometimes gently jogging it across the line...proud to complete for our various causes,  to prove something to ourselves,  to know we have done it, so we can do....anything we set our hearts to.

Distance is a beautiful thing.  It takes effort and huge heart to make it a long ways to what our heart desires. You must hang in there,  even if,  like my hero Meb,  you had to walk it in.   I patted myself on the back for about the millionth time yesterday thinking....I get out there and I do it.  It might not be pretty,  but like every runner,  I am grateful to know the deep pleasure that my body gives me - in motion!  CONGRATS TO ALL!

Embraced by the Open Road: Sunday Long Run and more

Excitement is contagious.  It doesn't matter that I am not personally entered in any races this season,  I am just as excited to follow the Marine Corp marathon (congrats, yesterday!!) or the Halloween runners across at the park Saturday,  or Marlon's success at his 24 hour ultra,  or Crash putting in those long miles for his comeback marathon in December...Saturday I woke early enough for an out and back made comfortable by the cooler temps, and prepped for a long run Sunday.

Morning smacked me in the face with strong sunlight;  slept later than I planned, but temps read 66 degrees so I could still stay super comfortable out for a while on the roads.  The skies were full of feathery clouds as I headed out to the main road, and from sheer habit turned up the overpass to 29th....allowing my body to wake up, stretch out a bit and get a rhythm going.

I thought about the MCM'ers "OORAH"ing their way through DC....and as usual,  wondering what makes one run so different from another....as I turned up Angler's to Ravenswood and took that beautiful straight stretch feeling mysteriously light on my feet!  The air clear as glass,  the skies unfurled like a vast flag while the road seemed to rise up to meet me until I took my first Publix pit-stop. 

From there I wondered about taking the Big Loop down to 40th....I've been plagued by loose dogs at times, and there was one at the bottom of 40th that has made me avoid this road despite its lovely country feel....but feeling so great I thought,  today let's go!  Heading back out to Griffin and passing my usual cut-down at 35th...it's hard to get going again after a break....I slogged along until my feet caught up and took the turn on 40th....so much changes in so many little ways even on residential streets!  I felt tired but kept the pace as I rounded down through the shady trees and onto Stirling...finding my way through my usual Emerald Hills loop to home.

By now the sun was full on,  and the temps back up....the lack of humidity, so rare for us here,  was the boon I needed to feel comfortable despite the distance....I kept patting myself on the back for every little fartlek,  every street covered,  each time I ran instead of walked,  and focused on breath and rhythm...nothing hurt too badly...  and my heart felt strong and wide open to the world.

Running on a day when I have no schedule constraints is the greatest freedom I know.  When I got home I dove into the back porch to putz with the plants and draw....and felt that beautiful vibe all day of being in harmony with the road...as it seemed to rise up to embrace me.  Even if so many previous efforts felt full of struggle and angst,  it only takes one magical run to make it all present again:  the movement,  the power,  the synergistic relationship with Mother Nature watching me watching Her....buoying me up on the hard stretches....blowing me a nice breeze,  warming up my arms....filling my heart with hope that even me,  the 'wanna be' runner is still capable of -what to me are- great feats!!  Getting out there,  putting in my own honest miles....longer than I hoped! And finding my REAL long run again!

Taking Stock: Progress not Perfection

I ran 3 days in a row, Friday through Sunday this week.  I started with my beautiful loop at John Lloyd state park Friday,  nice out and back before clients Saturday and a modest Griffin loop, maybe 8 miles Sunday.   Of course my 'uber-runner' friends are racking up their BIG miles and races, and each time I see their posts I have to SIGH.....with a mixture of hope and resignation...

So when Celeste and I did our full moon meditation and later compared runner notes (she's a newbie),  I got to be the seasoned elder dispensing advice.  My current physical adjustments have meant taking into account MORE rest, MORE relaxation (more yoga),  and willingness to adjust down on the mileage meter.  So 3 days in a row was an accomplishment! And made all the more remarkable by comparison with a newbie.   I remember that first year or so what it felt like to try jump-starting a walk into a run for even a little distance...how sore I was,  how determined to make it 1 block, 2,  1 mile or more.....my first 5K, 10K, half-marathon...my first marathon!    So I have to laugh at myself sometimes....maybe my progression loops around instead of driving a straight line UP....but in general,  I RUN.....I'm consistent....and I still reap the benefits of physical fitness overall.

There are many aspects of things I feel a tug of dissatisfaction about these days....as humans we want to see the progression of our efforts...better (_yours here!_____)....job, status, $, love-life, housing....better health, quality of life,  spiritual peace and connection.   Each generation bequeaths a sense of progress to the next....to obtain greater success, more stability and freedoms.  And all the while we run the gauntlet of World/political realities and events,  global conditions of all kinds,  and the psychic challenges that translate to breakthroughs- or set-backs....in our quest to find our niche in Life.

I am in competition with no one but myself.   I need to look over my shoulder once in a while and see the distance I've come,  mark it on a map,  retrace the route to encourage my looking forward at how far I need to go.   I remember that I CHOSE the route, and the distance,  taking into account my current assessment of limitations....CAN I do those longer miles?  Not right now....CAN I do a marathon?  One day again,  sure why not?!  CAN I find the place of my dreams,  man of my dreams,  therapeutic space.. to support myself,  to assist others find their Inner Runner, Lover, Life-Live-er?   The real question is can I cultivate the patience and persistence to GET THERE?!  Persistence I have in abundance.  Sometimes I think the Universe is constantly teaching me Patience!  So yes,  Mother Nature, I am hearing You.....patience it is....

Where have you gotten stuck in your assessment of yourself...feeling discouraged, comparing yourself against others' perceived success?  Take a look over your shoulder...see where you've come from and remember to pat yourself on the back.  If by chance you do NOT like what you see (maybe you feel you've gone backwards?!)....take stock of the route and remember your choices....if you meander a while on a back road, it might not be the worse thing....it might just give you the respite needed to get back to the main road again....soon. 

Gaining- and Losing Ground: Sunday Long Run

Like a child with eyes bigger than their stomach when looking at a feast,  I woke to such a gorgeous morning Sunday,  that all thoughts of caution flew out of my head.  Instead, I felt a rush of excitement about just being out in the morning, and with a "why not?!" decided to tackle one of my favorite loops,  the long way to the beach via Dania. 

Back in my serious training days,  this 13-ish mile loop was my training benchmark for half-marathon racing.  I've done it many times.  It includes several magical stretches such as the cut between Sheridan and Stirling where the little blue crabs scuttle into their burrows along a waterway,  or the broad expanse of Dania Beach boulevard which brings the beach horizon ever closer,  or the tunnel of green on Surf Rd,  the connector between Dania and North Park beaches,  where all the other runners and bikers cruise up and down, skirting the wild cats, the dogs on leashes, the occasional cars looking for parking.

Over-confident,  and sunk into my early out-of-bed fog,  I felt myself on auto-pilot for the easterly stretch before taking the cut up to Dania,  and across to the beach.  Where I would normally just slow it down nice and easy I found myself needing to walk,  as I came into the Dania parking lot and picked up the path along the shoreline. 

 

Enjoying the welcome distraction of beautiful La Mer as She opened Her arms to welcome me (and catch a few photos),  I hobbled my way down Surf road and into North Park and thought;  "Whew! I'm done! But I need to get home now....yikes!"  And realizing that the umph I might have for a loop this long in the old days was nowhere to be found.

As I lifted my spirits and body from idle, I filled my water bottles and began my way west, up the overpass, admiring the crystalline light making everything seem etched in light,  and walked.  And walked.  For a block or so I put a little hop to it which created a slow (very slow) run,  but soon the heat of the day took it all out of me and I walked some more.   It took what seemed like an amazingly long time to walk the stretches between West Lake to Federal,  Dixie to 95,  before finally climbing the last overpass home.  Everything was aching;  my hips, legs, feet,  pain in my shoulders,  my back....my body wanted to break down and I kept walking like the proverbial zombie....one foot in front of the other.

For a turtle like me,  marathons are like this from about 15-18 miles on.   Sheer willpower and gut gets me through the torture my body experiences in those last miles.   The fact that I have done- and somehow survived - those experiences has always shown me that the body is more resilient than we know.   So somewhere in the midst of my meltdown I reminded myself this distance has not been on the menu for some time.  Clearly I am not used to this kind of push.   Time to rethink my efforts and ramp it back down.

Many of my running buddies, yes that's you Crash,  and you Marlon,  are finding new plateaus and benchmarks!  At the London marathon this year,  the fastest time ever was recorded!   I gained much ground in the old days when training seemed like my singular focus in life.  But now,  it feels I have lost some ground,  and training this body requires increasing vigilance to what I do and how.  

We have a bad tendency to tunnel vision;  whatever state we find ourselves in seems as if it 'should' last forever.   So perceived set-backs are like sentences of doom.  "I'll never run long again" was coursing through my head, -until I put a halt to it and realized "Maybe I can't run long NOW,  or TODAY,  but time will give me another chance to make it long again, if I just stay smart- and consistent...."etc.  

There are many ways I'm looking at where I apply my re-framing to things.  How I choose to turn the dial on my thoughts and focus on which perceptions has lowered my stress- and maybe my expectations.   But the road remains.   Whether I capture all of it,  or some of it,  the enticing beauty of Mother Nature is the constant in my running life.  I run to embrace Her.  And even if sometimes it feels She tricks me with a harsh reality, like the smothering edge of heat or rainstorms,  this does nothing to dampen the magnificence of Her landscape.  

The Nature of our selves is like this....in the weather of our emotions,  there are sometimes harsh environments for our heart.   It feels at times as if our dreams are losing ground,  and the aches and pains of endurance is too much.   But the gains of our experiences truly never leave us, no matter what has changed in the outer world.  Gain the ground lost by feeling the invincibility of your Spirit.   Whether you captured the goal you wanted or fell short,  there are many ways to "get there."   Let the road speak to you, and reach beyond the pain to the beauty calling you from every side.   It emanates straight from you!

Casting our Nets

Passing the Equinox,  south Florida has slowly released its grip on steamy summer and rain.  In the mornings,  the faint brush of cooler air rises from it's night blanket on the ground, teasing the rising sun,  ready to cast it's bright hot light into the day.  Every runner out there knows perfect temps/conditions are a rare and wonderful boon.  So I ran Saturday morning before clients,  a nice western loop,  and Sunday, geared up for a rendezvous with La Mer at the beach.

I haven't tackled big distance in a long time.  However,  keeping my base and yoga routine has kept me consistent.  Running to the beach is challenge enough: enough distance,  enough effort to push myself short of exhaustion.  As I headed out into the brightening day, I was still lost in the fog of sleep.  It always takes me a while to get my head back to 'reality'- and why my work schedule is so beneficial for me:  having mornings to take care of my body and my business allows me a strong transition, and time for myself. 

Traffic was still light, and the tunes were going in my head.  I floated through the first few benchmarks;  the crossings at Dixie and Federal,  and cruised right through the last hump of overpasses and into the beach. 

As usual,  rewarded by a soft ocean breeze lifting off the sands, while the water gently reflected a sky full of sunlight and soft, white clouds bobbing off an azure horizon.

As the bladers, bikers, runners and walkers dodged each other down the Broadwalk,  I took in the scene from a few different vantage points while taking my pit-stop break,  filling my water bottles,  and reminding myself that access to a beach run, just miles from my own home, is just about as great as it gets!!!  And knowing that I can return home, on my own 2 feet,  made me feel strong and fit. 

Farewell and thanks were said to the spirits which welcome me each time I 'notice',  photograph, appreciate 'them', and the awe-inspiring manifestation of beach life.  And so I turn to head back west.   As I begin my climb up the first overpasses,  I spied a group of Latino folks fishing off the pier.  I rounded out the top of my second climb as I watched one young guy carefully fold then toss his net which billowed up into a perfect square and fell in a quiet whoosh into the water.  Spirit gives us "triggers points";  moments in time that seem to rise up off the canvas of our usual lives and get our attention.   I watched that young man with his net and felt the image of its gentle unfurling zing into my brain.  He doesn't know for sure what's under the surface.  He may have spied the currents, and schools of whatever type of fish he's after-  but everything in water is on the move.   His graceful movement told me this is a practiced effort.  So whatever he caught, long after I passed him,  it seemed he was assured that something would land in that net. 

We are all casting our small, square nets into a vast body of water.  We are being called to practice our skills in bringing up the issues, emotions, changes and aspects of Self which coalesce somewhere close, to be captured in the net of our attention.  Putting ourselves into The Flow of experience,  we allow ourselves to TRUST:  that the waters harbor what lies hidden from view,  that we have the resources to find what we need regardless,  that together with all the elements of Living Life we will bring these to the surface, to feast on and integrate new material, value our accomplishments, and ready ourselves for a new day. 

I bench-marked my way back (a technique for running any long distance- or solving any big problem- break it up into parts), and with the sun at my back,  managed to keep my (turtle's) pace until I finally broke into a walk for the last bits home.  I have cast some formidable nets in my life, and many of them were cumbersome and unruly- or the waters were stormy and full of debris- or the weather in general just so bad I could hardly keep to my feet at all.  Now, as I watched that man cast his net I felt a resonance.  Over the years I have learned to hone my skill.   The water, the weather and my own expectations seem mysteriously in sync.  I cast what feels like the right size or shape, and as it unfurls into the air, for a brief moment it almost looks like a flag, semi-permeable, liable to change, dropping down into the depths of myself searching- and finding for what informs me now, and what will shape my dreams later.

Practice the skills which will allow you to cast your nets into the depths of your dreams.   The results may surprise you;  or maybe you knew all along-  this is my good future....I will fish for the freedom this bounty brings. 

Fall Equinox 2013: Let it Burn

After the frenzy of BARC's 40th anniversary event on Friday, and back to private practice on Saturday, I woke up Sunday ready for a long run to get my head into the Equinox spirit.
This benchmark, like so many others this year,  is full of meaningful layers, not the least of which is the 9 month mark from 12-21-12.  In all these months we have gestated ourselves,  to what are we giving birth??  Great Mother conspired to get me over to Tree Tops with Celeste....just so I could open an altar and ask exactly that.  But first....

Headed out into what serves as fall in south Florida- a warm rising sun and the coolish air rising from the earth met with me in the middle as I took the overpass and headed up 29th.  The dream themes of constant renovations swirled around in my head with the images of hope, change and expecting the unexpected.  Without too much trouble I rounded out onto Ravenswood and enjoyed that lovely straight stretch tucked along a nearly empty road, feeling my body relax into the rhythm.  Regardless of any form of anticipation about the day,  the run gives me that structured regularity that grounds me to Mother Earth even as it frees my concerns from their cages of the every-day.  Cruising down 35th,  meandering through Emerald Hills, it was a glorious morning spent with Nature.

I sorted through and packed my altar gear, meeting up with Cel at Tree Tops.  We navigated through our initial 'process' of figuring out where to go by leading with our gut instinct after all,  finding the Perfect Place along a bridle path, just off a hiking trail.  As the prep and opening commenced, and the smoke from the sage began to rise,  it swirled on puffs of wind and danced around us.  I 'saw' a building burning, as red as fire can be....and myself standing a ways back while the 'message' sounded:  'the building must burn, let it;  don't feel you need to run in to save it- the New needs to be built on the ashes of the Old.'

We placed many personal and planetary things into that fire bowl.  Things to let go.  Things to call in.  On this balance point, this birthing point for something beyond our scope of comprehension,  trust is asked of us as we watch our belief systems,  our governing and world systems, even our interpersonal constructs take to the flames of transformation.  I sat in the wafting of that sweet smoke and felt myself come Full Circle,  as we 'sat' with Mello and Vitae,  the rest of the Sun Temple brothers and sisters and all those others who were doing their ceremonies and conducting their own sacred circles everywhere around the world.  I felt a sense of peace about my own path and asked Great Mother to continue to let me serve Her, give Her voice, bring Her Presence into these times. 

We are too consumed with the negative imagery of destruction.  We forget this is just one facet of Her face.   The Old must go to make room for what we all are bringing in to this world.  Don't hang on to it.  Honor the lessons learned.  Now, it is time to stand back,  let it all burn....and - rebuild our New World.

Beyond Dark and Light

In all medicine/indigenous cultures, there is a recognition of the experience of 'dying to the self' in order to move forward, or be 'reborn' into a new life.  Only in the neurotic west, and only because Freud 'won' the psychiatric worldview over Jung,  do we equate 'dark' with 'bad', even evil.  Jung's voice of integration,  taken as it was right off the ancient world's page, joined the other, underground impulses, where the broader spiritual worldview of 'many parts' as One,  was embraced. 

The East is closer to a sense of harmony between Forces,  and under even that is the millennium of Knowledge, when Mother Earth as Mystery School was a designated assignment - to uplift, to educate, to redeem.  No matter what 'side' you were on,  what gender(s),  what script to run, lessons to learn, what comrades and loved ones to work with, what geopolitical stressors to bear....no matter what,  every one comes with every aspect of life bundled into seed packets.... with our potential to grow.

Growth is not dark or light.  Growth is the constant in this process we call Life.  Whether my growth looks good to you,  or not,  my growth is a product of the complex interaction of many many aspects of things,  with much of it is now happening in our global devolution, and our corner of the universal neighborhood.  I have had to wrap my head around what the internet community is circulating about cosmic events of all kinds.  Meanwhile our own geopolitical stakes raise ridiculously higher all the time.  In my time off work,  I felt myself falling under the pressure of so much which seems imminent....just as all Big Change feels...like the birth of a baby,  its the last bits that are indeed the hardest.

I always liked the term 'shamanic descent'.  Just as the medicine people know how to create and conjoin in major initiations, which prompt and feed the psyche with liminal material and build the bridge to the 'new life',  my little vision quest is giving me the incredibly rare space and time to empty myself out- in order to fill myself up.  Depression is an emptying out;  or rather the recognition and fear of emptying.  Week 1 of staycay was an emptying.....

it was emotional tsunamis and lost dreams...it was a curving in on myself seeking solace and safety within The Mother's womb.  And then it was loving that part.   The part that hurts, that hides.  We judge a lot of things that deserve our scrutiny.  But too much we judge the lost and hurt parts of ourselves.  We enforce the PC of the spiritual world; we forget that we play all the parts,  we seek these experiences,  we need to understand.

Once I let someone listen,  it all began to make sense again.  The 'sisterhood' of remembering brought me back to all the good things in my life, not the least of which is the long friendship that gave me that lifeline.

 The pressure finally began to ease a bit, and my excursions into running, or finding good farmer's markets or breathing into the space of simple rest has been fortuitous, timed to the High Holy days on the Jewish calendar.  So many of us are breathing peace back into the picture...., the wars and rumors of wars feel unhinged again from their timeline.... Like those last few pushes,  we work with all our might to bring our Good future into the world.  And very often that Work is so deep within,  it takes an intrepid soul to find the precious light, to find the courage, the stamina...to find the insight, to find the way through.

Beautiful Beach: Sunday long run 8-25-13

"Running has thrown me into adventures that I would otherwise have missed"

-Benjamin Cheever

Persistent tropical moisture swirls around the Gulf and Caribbean basins.  South Florida sports a lush, green landscape- in comparison,  many times by August we are hot and withered.  This year, we are hot and wet, wet, wet.

Running has become an adventure of seeing if I can make it out and back before any rain interferes.... while yesterday,  as I headed out for a Sunday long run,  a strange chill was in the air.  This was all the reason I needed to point east.  The Sundays of big Griffin loops and more or less consistency with my base gave me some confidence that beach and back would be fine, especially with a surprise weather gift:  cloudy, breezy- perfect.

I've read somewhere that radiation from Fukashima mixes with the wild electro-magnetic energy, producing vivid anomalies (like lightening out of nowhere) and more than usually beautiful colors and skies.  This I can believe.  When you live where it's flat,  the sky is a canvas of unusual presence.  And lately it seems as if all Mother Nature's artistry is apparent especially morning and dusk,  when the sun transforms the heavens with luminosity, and colors the cloud formations with quiet grandeur.  It was worth every step to make it to North Park, tired as I felt, and somewhat disconnected from my body.  The pace of work, of change, or staying centered while so much chaos floats around me takes its toll.  As usually happens,  it takes at least a few miles, and in this case, pretty much the whole way to the beach,  before I felt truly empowered into my body.  This, in and of itself, is a tremendous boon about running.   For people like me who tend to 'live in their heads',  it takes an effort to ground.   By the time I trained my camera on La Mer,  spread upon the sands in the diffusion of morning light,  I felt at peace,  welcomed into the day.

As I turned back and headed west over the intercoastal,  I could feel my feet want to give way to quiet walking....but determined to make this a true 'training run',  I talked them into keeping up a running pace even if my run looks so much like fast walking these days....
as I kept on past US 1 and each intersection,  I felt a confidence in my pace that overcame the discomfort or fatigue....somewhere I felt a release into mild dissociation,  the 'trance' state that comes once the body settles into itself, and the mind is empty and free.  I was grateful for the pause.  Too often thinking only reinforces out-moded beliefs, raw emotions with no cause,  preoccupations with neuroses...none of which I need or wanted....and my feet gave me the freedom to simply feel "myself."

There will be much bombarding us with news of wars and rumors of war.  Environmental and human degradations and extinction protocols.  Threats from the sun,  climate changes, and each other.   The insanity of our own irrational greed.   It's good to know that we can go within,  however that works for you,  to find Our True Self.   No one has to tell you what that is or how to get there.  Once you feel it,  you will 'know'  what and who you really are,  a part from the crazy projections of the world.   Find your way in.   And become familiar with the space at the center of your life unencumbered and free.  Move within it, sing to it,  listen for it's message of love and acceptance.  It calls you,  misses you.  It belongs to you.  

Easy Does It, for Now

When running in summer heat,   I am always looking for patches of shade thrown by the trees along the streets,  or chances to slip into any number of small parks flung across the neighborhoods where a rest-stop beckons. 

These mimosa and oak trees standing strong in Emerald Hills.....

and this very tall palm catching my eye against a bright sky,  as I walked the last bits home on yesterday's Griffin loop long run.

Barely keeping a base going,  maybe 20-25 miles a week, roughly,  I am coping with my body's decreased temperature regulation against a solid wall of humidity and heat which has gripped us all summer long...and keeps me feeling like a beginner again just trying to get any kind of gait going, any mileage being good mileage,  just to move at all my humble goal.

I feel a pause in everything:  while transition continues in global circumstances, and the earth Herself regroups through the barrage of celestial changes,  I seem poised on the brink of things completely unseen and unknown.  Packing,  for what?  Where?  My 'vision'  seems blocked and unable to move into a forward timeline.  Meanwhile,  all I really want to do is take it easy,  gaze lovingly at the Natural world around me, and fill myself with the bountiful artistry that is Gaia.

The 'to do' list isn't going anywhere.   And neither are my endless speculations about what's going on and what it all might mean for any of us.  But I catch myself, sometimes,  laughing at all the drama,  once I immerse myself in the life of living things.  Each flower lifts itself like a gift into my eye-line.   Each petal asks for it's place in the Sun.   I would rather spend my time in my own natural self, aligned with this endless vibrancy.   Running gives me this. 

Run, Rest, Rejunevate: Repeat

I've been revisiting many aspects of my life as I continue the packing project;  this piece shown here is a silkscreen from my early 20's circa Bennington, VT, after I met Jay,  who became a springboard for all things New Age.  I was still making art, trying to express what I was learning.  Amazing how well this piece captures an ascension/meditation process, in 7 parts....and how well I remember my intent, hopes and dreams,...which mostly remain....as my core intent- hopes and dreams!!

Lately it feels as if things are running on parallel paths.  By day drawing upon my knowledge and experience to provide the support for those who are marginally making the transition from utter catastrophes to some semblance of stabilization,  or navigating the deep anxieties such a world is bringing upon us, as it morphs through the summer of change,  the shift through the star-gate, portals and potentialities which summon us on through these times.  By night,  intrepid explorer of the Zeitgeist,   following the flow of dreams, intuition, guidance, signs and events as they manifest themselves to me and my ability to 'translate' into patterns which shape the nature of the path ahead.

Out on the Griffin loop yesterday,  I felt barely conscious of my body.  So swept up into the dichotomies of these realities,  it seems I hardly have the chance to transition in- or out- of one state before I am drawn into the next.  As I started up 29th, I kept trying to 'locate' my feet and get grounded with Mother Earth, lost somewhere in dreamland, not quite registering the intensity of the early morning heat,  the movement of my legs up the street.
I found my way down Ravenswood finally catching up to myself.   A rhythm settled in to my gait as my breathing regulated....the 'drift' lifted as I felt the embrace of a glorious, quiet Sunday unfold before me.  The ride down 35th was steady and sure-footed and my head was full of nothing much at all except a quiet exhilaration deep inside as my body carried me on it's cadence of motion through Emerald Hills. 

Blazing sun through the cloud cover greeted me as I walked home.  I took my time and absorbed the show....

wondering as I often do, looking at the skies,  what is revealed in these atmospheric displays which might give a hint of our fate....of Mother Earth's intent.  Or maybe it's Her reflected joy, as She spreads light and color across the canvas of things just so....this happiness that comes with Creation. 

I understand that feeling.   I am there.   We are all creating our lives each and every moment,  just as the Grand Creatress of them all centers Herself upon Her potentiality and draws in the most urgent design...the formless seeking form,   the image seeking expression,  the Vision which must be born.  Rest assured,  there is an Imperative at work.  The World is heeding a Higher Calling....and it's about to call YOU to wake up to Her manifest beauty.  After all,  that's what She's been asking all along.  For once you really 'see' Her,  you will fall in love with Her.  And once that happens you will want to be as close as possible,  protecting and nurturing Her- just as She protects, and nurtures us. 

A Not-so-Long Run: Adaptation is Key

Just move your legs. Because if you don't think you were born to run, you're not only denying history; you're denying who you are. 


-Dr. Dennis Bramble, University of Utah biologist, quoted in Born to Run 


South Florida delivers heat in a very humid package.  I started out way too late,  after 8AM,  the sun already feeling like a furnace through the morning clouds.  I suddenly felt intimidated by distance,  since my body has some trouble regulating itself in extreme temps;  the thought dawned on me, just take it easy and go as far as it feels comfortable.  With that,  I narrowed my loop and cut through the trailer park to pit-stop at Publix and head back down 35th,  walking when it felt prudent,  putting a small kick when I got any momentum up, but mostly cruising along the patches of shadows thrown by the trees on the streets.  And proving to myself once more that running for no reason at all is sometimes the best run of all.

In the new matrix of planetary alignments, weather anomalies, political unrest and ongoing personal transformation,  the sheer inundation of life's intensity can become very overwhelming.  People react all kinds of different ways.  There are the lovers and the haters,  the activists and the sadhus,  the isolators and partiers;  those working on stage, and those behind the scenes, aware and awake, or not at all.   My attachment to outward appearances has got to stop.  What my ego wants to believe is the presentation "at face value" may not be at all what the intention of this person is seeking.   For me,  the new challenge with clients is in catching my own bias before it informs what I 'think',  knowing that at a more fundamental level, we are all playing our part as needed to shape the Cosmic Plan.

So instead of berating myself in any way for my efforts,  I patted myself on the back and settled into a nice generous bowl of breakfast to tell my body, "good job, well done!"  And working through the chores list another "you go, girl" for staying the course,  keeping to the trail,  not allowing myself to get 'lost' in the emotions swirling everywhere around me.  

I have peace in my heart.  It may be more of a truce than anything else at the moment,  but it tells me I am done with the battles in my heart.   Who I am,  what I do,  where I'm going is like the run.  I head out, confident in my abilities and resources, and my body's innate wisdom.  I know I am guided, and supported.  I know I am loved.  

Out of Time

The true but rare runner's high is a zone that we enter when everything seems to click perfectly, when time stands still, and when we can run almost without effort. 
 - Amby Burfoot

There are mysteries afoot.  Super moons and "Day out of Time", earthquakes and crazy weather, too wet, cold, hot, dry- fires and filaments of light,  stars coming into view and whisking away into uncharted unknowns.  Ancient cultures cough up their treasures- and secrets- from ocean floors, volcanoes long dormant explode.  Medicine people all over the globe are organizing like never before, speaking out to the world, hoping to stop the catastrophes The Man has blanketed upon the Earth in unimaginable depths....attempting to destroy the molecules of air we breathe, and the fabric of the food we eat....poisoning our minds with mental slop left over from the ages of ignorance and beliefs which will keep us enslaved if we are not careful to move aside from it all....

My activism is my counter-vision:  what comes to me in the quiet of Nature when Her innate wisdom informs me of just how effortlessly it could all transpire, if we stand with Her,  stay close with Her,  and forge the relationship upon which our lives- and Hers- depends.  On the run yesterday,   I felt full of fogginess;  the heavy load of daily life and the political skirmishes to win control, power, scope of influence,  to find where I belong in the 'real world',  to get the practical pieces of professional and personal space embedded into a piece of land where I can return to my gardening and artistic roots and do what I know how to do:  coax the loving Life from the ground to grow the true necessities for health and well-being, including food,  flowers, trees, medicinals.   To create artistic space, freely expressing and helping others do the same....to unleash the Muse to inspire those who partake of the space, who will in turn take the plant, the guidance, the artwork to inspire others....To make sanctuary that which becomes the oasis in the sea of changes....and a place where folks can gain respite from the pressures of those changes....To support my Crone years, and the needs of my family, even if its a break from their city life;  there is much to this vision,  much to do.

I asked myself,  while out on my long run yesterday,  how much I have become nostalgic for my past:  Barn days and artist/studio days,  garden and river days,  ritual and community bonfire days.....First I swung into this paradigm, full on,  no hesitation as we scooped up what was presented to us along the riverbank all those years ago, and created The Barn.  Then I swung the other way,  as I sought the practical foundation to support myself,  grow a profession, career, a means of growing myself into the Marketplace to end the unnatural dependency on men.  Now, the age of dichotomies is coming to an end, and all that the world has pressed upon me....the credentials, the clients, the need, the desire is all there.  Now,  it is a matter of WHERE.   And WHEN.  I am guided by these forces which will not put it in a text and send it:  instead, they are asking that I follow the trail,  faint as it may seem at times,  as they lay it out for me.

I ran my old familiar Griffin loop.  I seek the consistency and pattern of my runs to keep it simple, to feel the security of known parts.  It's hard to find 'the new' when we churn up the same terrain.  But at the same time,  there is something to those familiar places which inform the future.  As I cruised down 35th,  I got that rhythm going and forgot, for a minute, about running.  I was 'off' somewhere in another time and place,  and whether it shadowed the past or future, I could not tell.   All the world feels balanced on a pin-head,  spinning on this point of change.  We will fall forward into more transitory changes,  and seek the familiar roads.  At some point,  be ready:  we may find ourselves flying into something unexpected.  Be ready to make the leap.  Meanwhile,  keep dreaming, and moving.