Increasing Tolerance

So don't be in a hurry and try to push or rush your practice. Do your meditation gently and gradually step by step. In regard to peacefulness, if you become peaceful, then accept it; if you don't become peaceful, then accept that also. That's the nature of the mind. We must find our own practice and persistently keep at it.

-Ajahn Chah, "Bodhinyana"

The holiday weekend has not gone exactly to plan. Whatever is ailing me physically is not done with me yet....I keep at a holistic approach, spending the last few days running and resting, sleeping as much as I can. My energy is still low, and some sort of low-grade something is still making my throat and sinuses sore. Yesterday's 9 miler was a good one; I had hoped to top it with a longer run today. But between inner and external factors, (a blustery, drizzly day) I think I may pass on that.

Increasing tolerance for everything seems to be the mission. For setbacks, mistakes in judgment, for suffering- my own and others. My usually impatient nature is under the gun to let it all go along any timetable. The trouble is, with Miami now 2 months away, I am feeling unusually anxious about the marathon. I am not where I'd hoped to be at this point. I would need to ratchet up 10-13 miles more on the long run in order to feel I have a hope of staying on my feet. The question is, do I push for it? Or do I lower my expectations and do the half? The beauty of this strategy is that I can do the full marathon for Ft. Lauderdale, instead. The bummer would be having to cut my annual commitment to Miami, skipping to next year.

Good to know there are options. Increasing my tolerance for allowing the shape of my life to create itself with gentleness, wisdom and compassion is tough!! Don't think spiritual 'right thinking' is for the weak. It takes tremendous strength to stand on your own thoughts, and at the same time, allow the Powers that Be to work their magic in our lives. For now, we strike compromise and truce. I allow myself to surrender.

Dream Big

Michael, my son and glider pilot extraordinaire, put his newly gotten glider into the air this past weekend; check out the pix- it is a beauty! I completely understand why there is little else he can talk about, at least with the excitement he reveals, when flying is his passion. He's so good at so many things. But he has a connection with those wide curling spaces he can only reach through wingtips silently carving invisible currents of heated air. Amazing.

I am thrilled to pass along my capacity to dream big. My life has been about the big dreams which fill me on so many levels. It didn't always make for much of a practical life, or even a happy one; I've been on my own path of adventure and seeking the path of Spirit forever. The good news for me is big dreams keep forming, it's just now they make sure to come in the form of an application I can put into the world. I never thought I'd be a professional in the 'marketplace', and I sure never ever saw myself as a 'runner'. Walker, yes, trekker, and occasional bike rider, but never runner. Every race I train for, especially the marathon, reminds me how big my dreams still are. I'm sitting on a few others, cooking on the back burners, which I'm sure are part of the overall mission of my work. It's good to know the urge to throw oneself out into the universe is alive and well in the family. Once upon a time, generations ago of my family launched themselves out of their small worlds. We have been on the move ever since.

Coming Back

It's been a difficult few weeks; the little walk in the weeds was a good reminder of the lesson about focus, and time. It may be interesting and dramatic to watch the unraveling of subplots, but in the end, if they don't serve, they don't belong, no matter how fascinating they look. Being sick is another kind of wilderness, and it's easy to give in to a fantasy of giving up. But as of Friday, after work, I took it upon myself to pony up and get outside, in an effort to jump start my engines once again.

Friday was nothing but wandering and stretching around the complex. Saturday, after business in Hallandale, I parked south of the bridge and ran north to the bandshell at Hollywood beach and back. That was a substantial enough loop, in very high winds, to give me back a sense of true running. And today, after enough of a sleep in, I did the Griffin long loop, and really tested myself, and lived to tell the tale.

I've lost some uumph...that's for sure. But I feel like I have good base strength, enoough to fight those winds and cool temps. My romance with running is safely intact. And I am so happy to have my dream in my back pocket to turn to when the pressures of getting by begin to feel a little nerve wracking. There is always an open road, and it welcome me, every time.

"Why run a race? You race to test yourself, for the ritual, the camaraderie, and for the adventure and discovery."

The New York Road Runners Club Complete Book of Running

Recovery, continued

Yesterday's short run did not feel traumatic, yet by the time I got into the office I could hardly move my right hip, which felt pulled out. This is my first bout of serious sidelining for a long time, and I am watching myself in amusement as I try to cope with my frustration. Not being out on the road has put me into running withdrawal, a syndrome characterized by irritability, low tolerance for stress, inability to regulate emotions, and sheer pissiness. Without that steady rhythm, which somehow sorts out my entire system, mind, body and soul, I am most certainly adrift. Running regulates my sleep, appetite, mood. Ok, so I did yoga today. And that was useful, no doubt, working through some of the tightness, soreness, and keeping my joints loose. But there is no substitute for consistent effort. Miami looms. I am determined, by Thanksgiving, my 2 month mark, to be on regular schedule and building up from 30 to 50 miles/week and more as I cruise into January. If I can't do this, I can't expect to pull out 26.2 miles. So here's to some healing and cooperation from the micro-universe of my body's internal structures. Let's go, boys and girls, let's get it in gear!

Meanwhile, everything is back to high intensity at work, full caseload, and lots, always, going on. The universe is never short on stories and plot lines which keep morphing into new permutations, interesting, heartbreaking, compelling, pulling at my skills and resources for compassionate response. I pray always to be effective, to utilize my talents well. I think it's all lining up as needed, and I have peace about the outward direction of things. Now, if I can get my body back into the game, and feel that integrity of strength and energy once more.

"When you do something, you should burn yourself completely, like a good bonfire, leaving no trace of yourself."

-Shunryu Suzuki

Beautiful Days

"To make your life a work of art, you must have the material to work with. The race, any race, is just such an experience."

-GEORGE SHEEHAN

Still recovering from my cold; but a beautiful morning beckons. So light hills and a round of the park fit the bill. Just moving through the cool air is heavenly...all this to build back strength and get ready to plan for the REAL training beginning at the holiday. 2 months. It begins.

Down, not Out

"Some runners judge performance by whether they won or lost. Others define success or failure by how fast they ran. Only you can judge your performance. Avoid letting others sit in judgment of you."

-HAL HIGDON

Somewhere around Saturday in the midst of my finishing class at NSU, I came down with a bad cold. I haven't been sick in so long, I couldn't believe it, and by Sunday it was a full-blown head/body, sneezing mess. I took off work yesterday, also a rare event- for being sick. But today, despite a part of me that said, 'turn over and go back to sleep', I got up and did an easy 4-5 miler, just to see how it felt.

The air was crisp as an apple; the sky crystal clear with blue edges sharp against the highlights of early morning. The first steps felt surreal; 3 days is the longest I've gone without running. I felt like I was flying just above the pavement, watching my own feet. There was no feeling until a half mile or so when I finally felt my muscles respond, or my brain catch up, whichever...and took my time cruising out Arthur and rounding to Park after a short walk break. Park was wide open and a joy. Dumb teenagers attempt to sling verbal crap at me- I notice this at several bus stops- they seem to enjoy taunting me. And that took a mental adjustment to revamp boundaries, which is good- I'll need them strong for work today, as I head back to the fray.

I confess all I really think about on the road is Miami. Beginning this weekend, assuming I am all ok, I'll do a serious training plan, now that I am about 2 months out. Thats 1 month or so to ramp up and a few weeks to taper. It doesn't seem possible right now, the way I feel. But I've been strong up to now. Keeping focus, there isn't anything out of reach, if I just keep my eye on the prize.

'Nuf Said

"The illusion of separateness is perpetuated through our interpretations of the seen.

We observe Reality manifesting in what appear to be separate, discrete parts -- without recognizing the inherent inseparability and interdependence of everything appearing before us.

When we focus, instead, on... the connective tissue of Reality, the invisible Source from which, and the Background against which everything shows up, the illusion of separateness is naturally and inevitably dispelled -- even as the appearance of duality remains."

-from The Daily Guru

Out the door this morning before 7, right after rain must have been through, there were puddles of water everywhere, and the sky was strewn with the remnants of storm clouds. The atmosphere was a soup of winds, watery vestiges and high humidity, and not all that cool. It feels, as I often think of it, as if I am running IN water. The entire loop back was directly into the winds; and it showed just how much more strength I have to stay consistently on pace throughout. I am BEAT!!

I focused on placing all my 'concerns' within their own spheres, in order to make sure they were outside my zone of personal power. This had to include clients, family and significant others, as I recognize that it's not my ability to see the connection, it's my need to stake my own space within it that's the issue. I am so naturally attuned to inter-relationships of reality, I can easily become stuck in it. Running has accomplished a powerful change: I am no longer as susceptible to this. I have come to own myself and my energy. And I hope it's strong enough that I would never lose it.

The irony is in the conflict between this and 'dependency needs', as we say in the biz. Somewhere is the balance between conflicting pulls for autonomy and interconnection. When I run, I feel like I flow into the sky. But I have no one I need to share it with, or worry over, or coerce into my love affair with the experience of the run.

Day off Work, Long Run

"Whatever the pace, run softly, run tall."

-JOE HENDERSON, Running 101

Thanks to Vets Day, I get a welcomed day off and accomplish LOTS, including, this morning, a really fabulous long run, 9-10 miler, the big loop to Griffin, over to the Seminoles, and back on Thomas. I can give more and more attention to form, pacing, and the nuances of how I deal with distances....I'm feeling amazingly strong, even with all the extra work and pressures of late.

I chalk it up to the influx of 'cosmic' energy which continues to change the overall nature of reality as we know it. Quantum entanglements, as described recently, seems to be one image that captures the sense of creative chaos, and fluid groupings of energy morphing anew. I am amazed at how directly I register this in running. The joy in being unencumbered by the usual forces of gravity, and feeling free-wheeling, at one with the motion, is indescribable. Obama was right about riding that wave; we are all caught up in these new, curative waters now.

World Run Day

We have to look inside for answers and
outside for inspiration.
-Lucas the yoga guy

The Cosmic kiss took me to the dusty corners of the past, where what seemed to be old introjects met to reacquaint themselves, even as we know, we know, who we are. Later, I soothed the weirdness of it all at Hugh Birch, commemorating World Run Day with a few leisurely loops with co-runners. The world hushed, expanded like bird calls on the day, fanning out into far reaches of my inner psyche...the movement felt exhilarating and relaxing. Yesterday's long run was intense, putting myself through distance and pacing. But today, the surreal rewards of being out of bounds of usual time forced open my assumptions. You truly never know.

What does it all mean? Nothing; everything. Poignancy in the search, though, plenty of deep tears for the sentiment of calling it all together, and allowing myself to feel receptive. There is no clear path. I just followed the loop. But tomorrow, it's a different run. And the conditions will be mysterious and waiting for me all the same.

Stranger Things Have Happened

You may be feeling like you are pulled in two directions today. Waves of excitement and concern may come and go throughout the day and it's important not to become too attached to either extreme. Rest assured that stability will return if you can learn to accept the paradox of your opposing reactions to what's happening in your life.

Aries horoscope for November 8, 2008

Yoga day, after putting the finishing touches on my paperwork for class. I did not run today, not yet, anyway, deciding it may be wise to put extra effort into tomorrow's run for World Run Day, and give myself a needed break. I continue to push the limits, I know; and I need to use caution in assessing my strengths and weaknesses.

In the aftermath of unexpected reconnection, I realize I need to apply the same thing. Be wise, be prescient, be willing to let go of preconceptions, attachments to outcomes or fear of either success or failure. The glow of accomplishment seems to be nothing but more progress, we we continue to establish some kind of track record in the era of speedy change.

This is Our Time

"My basic philosophy can be summed up by an expression we use in Norwegian: hurry slowly. Get there, but be patient."

-GRETE WAITZ, Run Your First Marathon

I was in a fog this morning....I threw on my gear and was out the door, running into the morning chill still somewhere out in the ethers, drifting around Grant Park, Virginia, and the tracks of my own past...by the time I rounded out on Arthur I found my focus and rhythm, with the steady footfalls sending vibrations up my legs, and into my heart. My heart, which has held it's breath, taken hits, bled, and believed, my spirit insisting, "hang on...it will come out alright."

I have learned how to grow patient. I found this on the road, between wanting to cave, and persevering through every run. I achieved many goals in life, and still work on more; but the lesson of the run is, do it- every time.

Obama has already bestowed gifts that came to bear with my clients, first day! The energy of inspiration is never to be underestimated. Great leaders, like energy itself, are boundless in their ability to tap the Universal Zeitgeist. The trick is, are you on the side of Light, or fanning the flames of your own ego? This leader brings humility and compassion, and like the Dalai Lama, he has sold me on his inner conviction and character. He does The Work for all of us, as do I. He runs his race knowing the mission is to bring us all along. This is truly, Our Time to turn it around, and begin to trek towards reconciliation and redemption.

Yes, we can. We did. We will.

Yes, We Can, and We Did!

I planned for maximum time to watch, then bask in the election results, which meant a very late night. I slept later this morning and took it as a recovery day. Last 2 runs, 2 in a row, have been pretty intense, running into head winds, and keeping my pace up. So it was well-deserved, and no doubt smart. I am realizing more and more that it can't be all about total mileage, but total strength and endurance. So as I continue to work through the next few weeks of classwork and Workwork, it is paying off to be cautious and consistent.

Meanwhile, I can let emotions run high today....remembering Chicago '68 as I watched Grant Park open its arms to the Prez-elect. Watching the black/white mix of the 2 first families mingle on stage. Watching the obvious love and support of Barack and Michelle sharing pride and joy. Watching his face as he addressed the huge Chicago crowd, and the gentle gratitude, and reach into our future. It was the right note, right speech, right time, and yes, right man. All these months of worry about sabotage, regression, repression....and we FINALLY come out the other side.

I felt the presence of many. Seen and unseen. And in my heart I knew the stars were lining up behind us as we made our stand for the Light and everything it makes transparent, everything that calls for reform and change. It is not the end of something, but as he said, just the beginning. And starting tomorrow I return to training with a lift in my step, knowing that I work on the side of bringing us through to better days ahead.

"V" for Vision, Victory and a New (ad)Venture

"Leave your watch on the kitchen table and go freely, like a child."

-CLAIRE KOWALCHIK, The Complete Book of Running for Women

I had weird dreams last night, and woke up feeling unusually fatigued...but then, I've been going at high gear for some time now, and I know there are times when it just catches up with me. My alarm was set on vibrate, so I missed it, and hopped out of bed and into my running gear before I could talk myself out of it. Voting Day!! The weather is also unusual, with a cover of foggy, chilly clouds and a headwind pushing at me all the way around the 7 mile loop until I could head south on 40th. I passed polling stations at TY park, at schools, prior to opening. I pushed through the fatigue and early morning disorientation until my blood circulated enough to wake my brain. My feet did their steady plop-plop along the pavement, and I confess, that cool air felt good. I imagined myself later today, prone on the living room floor watching voting results. How can we lose? What dirty tricks will the Reps attempt to steal this dream- again?

I want to invest in this hope. Everything in me feels the timing is indeed right. For those who insist on safety in bigotry or repression, the change will indeed come upon them, whether they like it or not. The secret for navigating the times comes with opening....and allowing the New Day to break upon us all, as co-creators, journeyers participants in the human drama. It has been a heart-breaking ride for many. But the many martyrs, leaders and ordinary folk who broke the trails for where we are going are watching us now, including Obama's grandmother who just passed. Ancestors are waiting for this day. And we can deliver our future to ourselves with a touch of a button, and take ourselves beyond promise and prayers. We can BE THE CHANGE we seek in the world. Do it. Vote. And take your own High Road into your good future.

Paula does it Again

"Fitness is like the blade of a knife; you want to sharpen it without ruining the blade."

=SALLY JENKINS, The Washington Post

Congratulations to Paula Radcliffe for her 3rd NYC Marathon win!! WHoo Hoo! Unfortunately I was up to my neck in my class paper, and did not get to see it....which really sucks....I missed the thrill of watching those elites do their thing. And I didn't run today either, after yesterday's 9+miler, which was done in a headwind most of the way back. So a well-deserved recoop day did not seem out of the question.

With a draft of the paper done, daylight's saving time accomplished and the weather settling down, I hope, the plan is to get back to early morning runs, and make them long enough, and relaxed enough to begin inching back up on the mileage. I'm feeling pretty good, but tired. I have plenty of good food stocked up, and nothing standing in my way. I can put together the rest of the class work by the end of next week, and begin to see light at the end of the tunnel by mid-month once class is done.

I will have 2 months to train solid for Miami.