Starting off the week of June 30

Thanks to the helpful tip about electrolyte replacement, I would say this morning's 8 miler was a more tolerable ride. One stop for water, but otherwise, kept at 180 bpm on the ipod, which is a pretty good clip. I was out the door by 6:30AM and actually caught just a hint of a breeze coming off the dawn. I slept hours and hours last night, after seeing Mom, whose settling into the nursing home, and Dad, whose not settling into much of anything- a need to divest myself of outer images and weighty emotions into a dream-filled night.

It will be a packed week. I am determined to stay on schedule and train consistently and hard. Yoga, added after, really helps with 'core' strength and balance. And I can feel how hard I work to muscle together all the elements for a strong enough flow through this heat.

Play time will come soon enough! A break before the next big push....we muster through, we keep our cool, even when the pressure is on.

Topping 40

The legacy of my training this week is a sore hip, towards the back, sustained while coming up on Stirling and almost tripping at a crosswalk, my eye on the convenience store I planned to stop at for rehydrating. My goal this week was consistency; and I managed 30 miles M-Thurs, took a break for Friday and the girls' visit, then put the 10-12 on Saturday morning. I did a long loop to Davie Rd. ext. and took Stirling all the way back until I could tuck into the Emerald Hills neighborhood to cruise home. It was hot, brutal, and trying, but relatively strong. It's hard to judge endurance when you're sweating through the humidity like swimming...and barely managing to move forward. But I was strong enough to keep a steady gait for each stretch I marked out in my mind, the crossover at Sheridan, the stretch up the reservation, the long open few miles on Park....I walked off the last half mile to try to loosen my legs, and though I knew I had overdone it somewhat this week, I felt I needed the push...the mental and emotional energy has been tremendous. Something in me was asking to press it out from the middle of my bones, and pound the pain, like beats of the drum off the pavement, the rhythm of my heart beating, beating, breathing.

The moments of struggle are interrupted by frames within which oases of such delicate care and love are enclosed. I was enveloped in the beauty of those 2 girls, my nieces, with their open eyes and strong hearts, as we shared the drama of heartbreaking change within the family. There are times when we need to push to create space for the fragile within us, when going long or strong means tapping out the bigger muscles and exhausting ourselves enough for rest and regroup. We cry plenty of tears in the effort, and hug each other, and ourselves when we find we are all out there floating through endless sky, attempting to orient ourselves towards goals. In the end, we are all carried by the winds, which themselves are uninstructed; where are we meant to be? You must keep going to find out.

Elemental 8

"The thought of later in the day having to explain to myself why I didn't run that morning is enough to get me out the door."

-LINDA JOHNSON

As I rounded up onto Emerald Hills Rd., scuttling rain clouds which had followed me from the east decided to open up. The sun was full up past the horizon, and the cloud far enough west that it rained through the sun. I was at about mile 6 at this point, pouring sweat from a hot hot trek so far. Having this soft shower cascade through the sunlight was cooling and magical....I could see each droplet backlit like tiny diamonds from another world...and my skin went cool again heading into the last mile home.

I held my pace better today. I took the ipod. The elements of early morning, mixing into the soup of a new day reminded me of atmospheric fluidity, of how changeable the emotions of mind, and time and perceived territories. I am more free from the worry and concern, and it's a floating on my feet that translates to an open mind, ready for the new discoveries of the day.

Balancing the World

I ran my old 8 miler route today, up and over the overpass, looping back west, up 56th and etc. My old, sluggish self needs to 'reboot' that pattern, put that little hill back in, push the envelop a bit to strengthen and increase my endurance. What a tough go! Though I was out the door a bit after 6:30 AM, it was oppressive after a few miles. The staunch rhythm of my gait kept crumbling under the weight of the humidity. Only after 3 miles or so did I settle into a quieter ride, and this after a short walk break, just to let myself cool down a bit.

Everyone is hanging tough, balancing the odd bits of rough stuff stirring up in the pockets of our lives. Mom gets her bit from the psychologist yesterday, Dad from the staff, memories of times past and other crutches, while I'm sometimes rather excited by the whole level of intensity; how so little effort can make so much difference in the balance between standing, and falling down.

It takes a lot of guts. To stride out the door with an intent to run, then to run, then to finish that run. I left the ipod at home today, in a deliberate choice to remove distraction. It took guts to let my brain roam without structure; what I found was more kindness than I expected, and more courage as I pushed through and followed the road out and around the obstacles of mind, body and soul.

We could remember the world sizing up in our hands, like a jewel, a heart, a portal that can send us through the rabbit hole into other worlds...where runs are accomplished like safaris into jungles full of lush and beautiful dreams, and love fills the river of life.

Solstice

We have turned through the longest day, and gathered the rays of heat into fireballs and sweat which churn up on my skin on every run. The rainy season has not abated the intensity of the sun, just created a atmospheric wash of humidity that feels like another body of water, an auric ocean above the surface of the earth.

I ran long yesterday, short of 10. I struggled. Today I went 'off schedule' for a good cause, and may see how I feel later today. More likely I will start off the week tomorrow and shoot for shorter sessions early enough to be comfortable. Suddenly now it's all about protecting my base; and keeping strength, endurance and flexibility while increasing range of motion.

I am grateful to have my 'healer' network in place. Those that can influence with mind, heart, hands and who buoy me up through my own fluctuating change. I am more constant then ever, but protective, too, of the effort it takes to 'tap' the range of response I need. But maybe, if I can keep it in mind, the whole circle of turning this seasonal wheel will bring me to a fruition of energy and inspiration. I am tuned and ready for it; I am hungry for a creative outcome.

"I run because I used to be envious of people that could run, and now I am that person."

Kendra Thompson, Everyday Runner

Rain and Rainbows

After months of rain deficits, the heavens have opened with water, the rains thundering through the long afternoons and nights. I sit in my office and listen to the drops pounding on my window. I wade through parking lots to get to my car. As I came home last night, the evening sun had found its way through the cloud cover, and opened the spectrum of light into twin rainbows arching right over the building here. What a sight!! Dense blanket of gray clouds everywhere except where the shaft of light beamed out like a laser to produce the fragile bridge of colors....While on the news, they tell the story of coming out of Tim Russert's memorial service, having just heard 'Somewhere over the Rainbow' played, to see a rainbow in plain sight.

I used to dream of rainbows, the rainbow bridge. Of course Mello used this as her theme, as a way to describe the journey of the 'rainbow warriors' and their assigned colors of energy through the planes of experience and dimension. I love that it's nature's palette....and the brush of Her Hand reminding us of the presence of a Creator's vision through the continuous development of a Design we often can't see.
We catch small views, and call it 'reality'; when really, the Big Picture is so much greater than we can ever fully perceive.

Good to know She's willing to give us a glimpse, now and then!

Ran the treadmill at the gym today, 5 miles, steady pace and continuous- an hour. I hate being indoors to run. It takes away everything I love about movement, and feeling connected to the world. However, I prefer staying dry and focusing on form to fighting the wetness and damp. I'll take it however I can, and practice the art of adaptation.

The Wax after Wane

An almost completely full moon is a bright orange tonight, hanging like an ornament amongst the filaments of thin clouds skimming the sky with silver strands of shadows and light....I found an odd increase in energy today, waxing after the days of depletion, sitting in group suddenly full of inspiration, direction and motivated purpose. I know what I'm doing. Tomorrow I'll lace up again and take to the roads. It will be fun to imagine the moon at rest behind the light of early morning, coasting through the day. It will feel just fine to harbor the energy of it's complete physicality tomorrow, when at the apex of full.

Whole is Goal

"Running makes my life whole."

-Julie Frodyman, runner

Sunday 10ish, Monday 7-8 ish, today 'hills and drills' in the park. I'm in a serious dialogue with my inner demons who try to exhaust me, dishearten me, shorten my attention, my capacity, endurance, my reach into the future. I feel heavy with dread, and loss of control. I use the tools of pace and stride to remind myself that I can. Running the hills this morning, I prayed for Her to help me help Her do what needs to be done; and as I said the words I forgot about my pain and fatigue.

Everyplace else is the press of voices vying for my attention. I found the column of light in my morning meditation and was able to feel the rush of release as I sensed the connection with great surges of calm. The translation of our reality into words is so dicey; the misunderstandings, the sloppy translation of intent. I am constantly wishing to edit, to be heard, to be known. Maybe the lesson is that at the most fundamental levels it does not take words- it takes active Presence.

Including Running

"It is crucial for you to understand what meditation is. It is not some special posture, and it's not just a set of mental exercises. Meditation is the cultivation of mindfulness and the application of that mindfulness once cultivated. You do not have to sit to meditate. You can meditate while washing the dishes. You can meditate in the shower, or roller skating, or typing letters. Meditation is awareness, and it must be applied to each and every activity of one's life. This isn't easy."

-Henepola Gunaratana, "Mindfulness in Plain English"

Shut down

"You don't like to take "no" for an answer when you want to do something, even if smart friends are against your current plan. You might pretend that you have real ram's horns to protect your vulnerability as you charge ahead. Reconsider your next move before you tire of running into the same wall again and again."

-Aries horoscope for today


Over the past few days, I have felt myself shut down, with too many changes, and the changes of changes piling up to outstrip my ability to juggle them. Thursday and Friday, the 'managers' shut down our move; there is no 'plan B' at the moment, so my office remains in boxes and the clients on a 'take it as it comes' contingency. By yesterday, it felt as if all the air had been let out of the balloon...I hadn't run since Wednesday, and stuck with the mini-tramp, attempted to 'let the body be still' and most of all, my mind shut off.

It's hard for me sometimes to distinguish this from depression. I have faced these kind of hurdles before; my career has been a patchwork of business and center closings and sudden crises which precipitate the fast response and change of course. As my ability to define myself professionally while increasing my strength and endurance continues, I have more perspective, and options. The timing is not ideal, but in the larger view, it's all still heading forward. Even after relative standstill, there is still a momentum within me.

I ran a longer 10ish today, a nice out and back through the Seminoles to University, with enough breaks to make it manageable and enjoyable. The days off did me good; after the massage work earlier in the week, (gratitude, DB) and rest, I felt capable of handling the extra pressure of staying on my feet that long, and in the heat. I'm still within my mileage range, though the low side this week. Hopefully, I can continue to work up the ladder through careful consistency, more yoga, more body work.

It's a tenuous hold on this earth. The flapflap of my footfalls help infuse the illusion that I'm more permanent than I really am. The act of falling forward takes me towards the center of the earth and into the core of things, while supported by the crust of physical reality. I can travel mentally as well as physically at the same time.

When waves of change keep rumbling at me, it's good to know I can afford to let go and float awhile....that shutting down my systems is not a descent into shamanic depression, or the despair of disconnection. On the contrary, I feel strangely supported from unknown sources; it is not just the love of dear ones, or the worth of the work I do. It seems to emanate from the center of something far, far away, but which comes through me, knows me, embraces me in a wash of stellar light. It is safe to go ahead, and see the potential unfold. It is safe to run, or not. As usual, the Big Picture knows how to take care of itself.

The Flow

Whether it's a torrent, a whirlwind, parched and dry or oppressively dark, the contexts of the times keep changing, and the events right with them. The move that was supposed to dismantle my unit at work and reassign us all has been "post phoned"...until further discussion by the powers that be (little letters...etc)...and after internalizing the stress of the stop/go/stop/go realize today, I need to get into the flow.

Did not run yesterday, today. Went through the yoga series instead, and felt it helping my inner focus and control. It's high 80's, low 90's today, I'll try going long tomorrow morning and see how it feels.

It's tenuous times. The world wants to split apart to let the light in. Whether we cry, or stumble or just fall down in the middle of it all the force of the tides will continue to ebb and flow around us. I am as unstable as my core. If I imagine myself rooted into the center of things, the earth, the universal Source, then I can feel how much easier it is to navigage change.

Going on while going through, and with the flow.

With Support and Love

A 7-8 miler early this AM was strong and cranky. Strong because I felt fluid and fast, I kept a good clip up even against my fatigue. Sometimes I can do this. When I can it feels fierce and powerful, and makes me feel capable of handling anything. Cranky because I could feel aches and pains moving around, mostly centered on my top thigh, hip flexor. The muscles that support me feel so tangible, and yet as malieable as molecules dancing in fast motion, shift and shimmy, up and down, gripping, loosening, gripping again.

The support I've been feeling is tangible, and like rock, something I can break against, with all my rage and sorrow and acquiesence, sure to find something to contain me, and channel me forward. It's a slow go this season; I had hoped to hover around 50 mpw, really train for the terrain of the endurance half in September. But the shape of the future was coming, and I sensed it all along.

So this is okay, and new. To increase, even by increments, my degree of support and love. It is the miracle of my feet, my legs, ribcage, neck and arms, the steady cadence of the beat in my ears, and the whooshwhoosh of breath from my lungs- this is what carries me every lonely mile, around and about the ones I love.

You are supporting me still. You who are unseen and felt in the terrible times. You who understand, embrace, accept. The Beneficent Ones are always here to steer us clear, even while we scale the most ominous cliffs.

Stay on your feet. The rest of the distance will take care of itself.

From BeliefNet

At The Feet Of The Divine
Laying Our Burdens Down

"We all know the feeling of walking through life as if we are carrying the huge burden of our worries and stresses on our backs and shoulders, struggling to keep moving forward. There is no real way to move freely and fluidly in such a situation, and we are all longing to lay our burdens down. Just imagining that it would be possible to do such a thing can be enough to elicit a sigh of relief and a feeling of lightness.

The human imagination is a powerful tool, and we can use it to take journeys to faraway places without ever leaving our home. Because of this, we too can lay our burdens down at the feet of a divine being such as the great Mother, Buddha or a mountain. Releasing ourselves from that which we can’t handle on our own. No matter how smart we are, how capable we are, or how hard we work, no one can single-handedly cope with all the worries that we tend to take on in the course of our lives. And, we aren't designed to do so. Our wellbeing depends upon our ability to hand over that which we can no longer carry by ourselves.

Visualizing yourself carrying your burdens to the feet of someone or something much bigger than you can be a powerful daily practice. To begin, sit with your eyes closed and envision an all powerful, supremely comforting being in what ever form that takes for you, standing at the end of a road. See yourself carrying a large sack, box, or other container, imagining that all your worries are inside it. Watch as you make your way to the being of your choice, and lay your baggage down at their feet. Allow yourself to feel the lightness and relief of this action, express your gratitude, and surrender. You will be amazed by how this simple meditation can liberate you from a burden you were never meant to carry."

"The world would have you agree with its dismal dream of limitation.
But the light would have you soar like the eagle of your sacred visions."

-- Alan Cohen

Plenty of Time and No Time

If we have...presence of mind then whatever work we do will be the very tool which enables us to know right and wrong continually. There's plenty of time to meditate, we just don't fully understand the practice, that's all. While sleeping we breathe, eating we breathe, don't we? Why don't we have time to meditate? Wherever we are we breathe. If we think like this then our life has as much value as our breath, wherever we are we have time.

-Ajahn Chah, "Taste of Freedom"

No time to think today, back to back clients, the unit mood dramatic with change, boxes begin to stack, papers are taken down; options discussed, complained over, emotions running high. No time to run, going in by 7AM, attempting to stay out of the office this weekend. No time to see Mom, although all these things had choices, and in the end, I choose to be home while I have the chance, and breathe.

Plenty of time to watch the light brighten off the back windows as the day lengthens, and to see the movement of late day breezes off the ocean, or everglades or whereever they originated. Somewhere, forces are fueling winds, and they fall into my neighborhood, kicking up the dust and sand, filtering the air, breathing down our backs with the heat of the sun.

No time to digest the changes...and to speculate about tomorrow, it's all so immediate. No time to wonder what might happen, it's all happening now.

Plenty of time later to let the night take me in it's wide embrace. I will wait longingly for the quiet to overcome me. I will listen for the footsteps of my dreams and look for the dark lines of night to soften my eyes. The dreams of future times are just out of reach as my pace picks up again to chase them down.

Running Through

The 7+ miler early this morning felt strong, great, after a mile or so of unkinking the tired tightness out of my bones. By 7AM, the sun was hot...and too much exhaust from the early commuters...one of the drawbacks of heading out at that hour. But I hit a nice rhythm, and now that the new shoes are broken in better, I feel the comfort of being able to sustain a harder gait, at least for some amount of time. I needed this; I had too much on my mind. I'm heading now to the hospital to find out what the 6th floor rehab is all about and from there a very full, hectic day at work. There will be no break now, no 'day off', and no time to hide. There is running through the stress, pain, sadness and constant change. If I keep moving, I keep strong. If I keep strong I will keep up. That, for now, is the goal.

Time brings Change to us All

My first day back to work, and the talk is all about boxing it up, sorting it out, counting, planning, calling, canceling, post phoning, and closing it up on the unit, and soon. I couldn't believe how my world has changed. There was a lot of love from my clients, and feeling really useful, and missed was a balm. I called the hospital later and found out mom goes up to the rehab floor; I didn't want to know much more, I didn't want to hear if she was restrained, or the aid has been found by dad.

I didn't run today, and no yoga either, as we were there early to catch her post-procedure. Driving home from work in the glorious late day sky I had the sudden and intense urge to want to be out there tomorrow early and run long, long and as hard as I can. My body is feeling dense with all the eating, but I'm not sleeping much. I seem to need the extra food. I seem to need the grounding from food.

Where did my world go? When was it ever predictable? I have ever been the creature of changes, often traumatic or sad. The loss of control is grievous offense; it creates a sense of futility along with wild determination to do whatever I can to maintain course direction. Would I know when to make a change? I am so used to being changed...how do we know when it's our turn to make it happen for ourselves?