Shut down

"You don't like to take "no" for an answer when you want to do something, even if smart friends are against your current plan. You might pretend that you have real ram's horns to protect your vulnerability as you charge ahead. Reconsider your next move before you tire of running into the same wall again and again."

-Aries horoscope for today


Over the past few days, I have felt myself shut down, with too many changes, and the changes of changes piling up to outstrip my ability to juggle them. Thursday and Friday, the 'managers' shut down our move; there is no 'plan B' at the moment, so my office remains in boxes and the clients on a 'take it as it comes' contingency. By yesterday, it felt as if all the air had been let out of the balloon...I hadn't run since Wednesday, and stuck with the mini-tramp, attempted to 'let the body be still' and most of all, my mind shut off.

It's hard for me sometimes to distinguish this from depression. I have faced these kind of hurdles before; my career has been a patchwork of business and center closings and sudden crises which precipitate the fast response and change of course. As my ability to define myself professionally while increasing my strength and endurance continues, I have more perspective, and options. The timing is not ideal, but in the larger view, it's all still heading forward. Even after relative standstill, there is still a momentum within me.

I ran a longer 10ish today, a nice out and back through the Seminoles to University, with enough breaks to make it manageable and enjoyable. The days off did me good; after the massage work earlier in the week, (gratitude, DB) and rest, I felt capable of handling the extra pressure of staying on my feet that long, and in the heat. I'm still within my mileage range, though the low side this week. Hopefully, I can continue to work up the ladder through careful consistency, more yoga, more body work.

It's a tenuous hold on this earth. The flapflap of my footfalls help infuse the illusion that I'm more permanent than I really am. The act of falling forward takes me towards the center of the earth and into the core of things, while supported by the crust of physical reality. I can travel mentally as well as physically at the same time.

When waves of change keep rumbling at me, it's good to know I can afford to let go and float awhile....that shutting down my systems is not a descent into shamanic depression, or the despair of disconnection. On the contrary, I feel strangely supported from unknown sources; it is not just the love of dear ones, or the worth of the work I do. It seems to emanate from the center of something far, far away, but which comes through me, knows me, embraces me in a wash of stellar light. It is safe to go ahead, and see the potential unfold. It is safe to run, or not. As usual, the Big Picture knows how to take care of itself.