My first day back to work, and the talk is all about boxing it up, sorting it out, counting, planning, calling, canceling, post phoning, and closing it up on the unit, and soon. I couldn't believe how my world has changed. There was a lot of love from my clients, and feeling really useful, and missed was a balm. I called the hospital later and found out mom goes up to the rehab floor; I didn't want to know much more, I didn't want to hear if she was restrained, or the aid has been found by dad.
I didn't run today, and no yoga either, as we were there early to catch her post-procedure. Driving home from work in the glorious late day sky I had the sudden and intense urge to want to be out there tomorrow early and run long, long and as hard as I can. My body is feeling dense with all the eating, but I'm not sleeping much. I seem to need the extra food. I seem to need the grounding from food.
Where did my world go? When was it ever predictable? I have ever been the creature of changes, often traumatic or sad. The loss of control is grievous offense; it creates a sense of futility along with wild determination to do whatever I can to maintain course direction. Would I know when to make a change? I am so used to being changed...how do we know when it's our turn to make it happen for ourselves?
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