Not to mention everything else

"EXERCISE IMPROVES SEXUAL PERFORMANCE, according to research. Nuff said."
-from 101 Daily motivational tips in Runners
World

Runners go the distance, so to speak, and use that core strength to sustain the energies of things other than just running. We take up our stride and tuck into the rhythm, we find the pace and lock on to the drum beats of our hearts. We are not taken by surprise when the speed increases and breathing comes faster, we just adjust, maintain, we transcend.

I'm feeling fit and fine today. An 8 miler was light and easy on the cool morning roads. I carried sleeplessness and snippets of dreams I scattered into the turn of Beltane, and the open door of Spring. We are all gathered, the Better Ones, the fast, the imaginers....as new paths open before us, calling us, making our way clear.

The Path to Wholeness

I was gently reminded yesterday that I was behind on the blog....which was interesting, because I could have sworn I had posted. I think I have been writing in my head, keeping an account of my inner impressions and experiences over the past several days.
It's hard to describe a paradigm shift as comprehensive as this, however, and how one step in the right direction has given me a whole new way forward.

Master/healer Dave has introduced more than his bag of healer's tools to my needs as a runner. And yes, those runs Sunday and Monday were so different, I felt spring-loaded, poised on the brink of a new vision of myself as someone who not only runs, but runs in the way I want to run; long, long and lost in distances, in love with distances, and the adventures of taking my body along into the transcendence of movement and rhythm. He has touched my heart and soul, and allowed me to believe in the hope so dearly held of a "true love." The Beneficent Ones appear to have conspired on our behalf; something greater than us seems destined to emerge from our collaborations. And whether we undertake a mundane path of personal fulfillment or find a way to merge talents, there is a Path to wholeness here, there is possibilities for the kind of work, depth, connection I thought placed beyond me.

We have said often enough to each other now, that there are often no words to express...the gratitude, the feeling of awe. Even for me, there are sometimes images that crowd out the storyline. There are impressions of electricity and heat, of great waves of compassion and embrace; there is healing, and love.

For the opportunity to experience my dearest dreams, to come closer to myself in all it's grace and beauty, to be SEEN and recognized, to be healed...I am, indeed, most grateful, most humbled by the powers of our web of destinies to bring us to each other.

The Ocean

Once in awhile, I run barefoot at the beach. After this week's mix of aches and pains as things continue to shift and twist and attempt to regroup, I decided flexing my foot completely through the sand, and working muscles that are usually bound up might not be a bad idea.

The ocean was a froth of turquoise intensity, as the rip currents, swelled by the jet stream and stiff breezes, propelled the water up and into the beach. Running through the surf is like running in a bed of molasses, or quicksand that never has the same density for any measure of steps. The effort it takes to create a steady rhythm is enormous. And just as running hills increases the comparable distances, I'm sure the same is true for running in sand. I was tired at first, but picked up my endurance after the first run south. Took a break, and turned back before I hit the traffic of too many beach-goers closer to Hollywood. Altogether, I was out about 1.5 hours, which is a solid workout.

Later, my path will cross with a master healer, a kindred soul, a potential 'partner in crime'....I know he's dying to get his chance to 'fix' what's wrong with my 'neuromuscular' condition. Has the universe finally found my way back to all things juicy, whole, alive?? Is there an ultra in me after all? With the right kind of 'support', I know ANYTHING is possible.

Hope, in all it's lovely flamboyant imagining, is alive and well....we will see what the tide brings in.

Walking to Oak-Head Pond, and
Thinking of the Ponds I Will Visit in the
Next Days and Weeks

by Mary Oliver

What is so utterly invisible
as tomorrow?
Not love,
not the wind,

not the inside of stone.
Not anything.
And yet, how often I'm fooled-
I'm wading along

in the sunlight-
and I'm sure I can see the fields and the ponds shining
days ahead-
I can see the light spilling

like a shower of meteors
into next week's trees,
and I plan to be there soon-
and, so far, I am

just that lucky,
my legs splashing
over the edge of darkness,
my heart on fire.

I don't know where
such certainty comes from-
the brave flesh
or the theater of the mind-

but if I had to guess
I would say that only
what the soul is supposed to be
could send us forth

with such cheer
as even the leaf must wear
as it unfurls
its fragrant body, and shines

against the hard possibility of stoppage-
which, day after day,
before such brisk, corpuscular belief,
shudders, and gives way.

Robert Cheruiyot, Kenya
Winner, 2008 Boston Marathon
coming in to the line

Boston, part 2

"...The closing words go to Lel: "Aiy, that man Robert. Aiy, he is so good, my friend he is so good, I saw it in the training. He trained, my friend, he trained!" And to run like a champion, you must train like a champion."
- from Runner's World coverage

Robert, is Robert Cheruiyot, the Kenyan champion who had to train in Namibia to escape the violence that had erupted this winter in his home country, who was within a minute of breaking his own record, who ran the last miles alone...leaving his contenders well away in the dust. Robert is 6'1" and 136#. The winner of the Paris marathon, which I just happened to catch Saturday was another African runner, barely 5 ft. tall. The winning woman was also diminutive. So it was something to watch Robert cover the road in his long strides, graceful, fluid, pulling along like a cord connected him to the finish, easy easy, and lightening fast!

For a wanna-be like me, it is a rare treat to watch an uber-runner run. There is a deep appreciation for everything you know it took to get them there, to pull off the performance and of course, the victory. Then to watch it in action, knowing that when I'm out there on my little runs I just try to maintain minimal suffering, is to feel the monumental effort of their every arm swing and footfall. There is transcendence in that kind of cadence, it goes beyond pain or even physicality. Soon you are the motion itself, and the idea of motion. Poetry in motion. So simple, and yet, the factors which must come together to make a Robert, or a Tune, who beat her rival by a mere 6 seconds for her victory, is unfathomable.

My run this morning, a 7-8er, was beautiful. Started out stiff, looking for the rhythm, and after a few miles in the lovely cool air, found it. The drum beat which is the footfalls of a smooth gait takes over and before I know it, I've settled in to the motion, the freedom, the release. Every run is a lesson on acceptance and release. The more I run, the more I crave what I saw on Robert's face...serenity, gratitude, mastery.

2008 Boston Marathon; part 1

The gods have decided to be kind to the Boston runners this year; perfect conditions, cool, clear, and the pace is blistering on the men's side as Cheruiyot takes a commanding lead. The women's race is being led by a diminutive Russian gal, who has taken the Newton hills like a walk in the park.

I well up with emotion when I watch these amazing elites, and hear the roar of the crowds. Daryl has been good enough to give me the time to see the end, before I leave for work. I will continue the story later....stay tuned!

When things go right

I woke earlier than expected, prompted I suspect in part by an unusual abundance of clear skies and sun with near perfect breezes, the most attractive combination of elements for a long run. I was anxious to get out there, after 9ish miles yesterday, feeling hopeful that after beginning the new adjustments and getting back up on miles, I would begin to feel solid again, to build a training base for the next marathon....

So after a big bowl of fried rice (brown rice, garlic, ginger, green onions, spinach, eggs) my solution for protein and carbs in a form my body will tolerate and utilize, I take off heading west....I figure getting out past the Seminoles, maybe to Cooper City? Either an out and back or a loop, we'll see. It was tougher the first few miles, as I worked out the stiffness; but once I hit the stretch past 64th, I could feel my stride unlocking itself in the rhythm of my feet slapping the road in nice, easy beats...leftrightleftright....carving the groove where I can stop thinking of my feet at all, or my body, and focus on the motion swinging back and forth, arms, legs, hips...taking the loop at University down to Taft, heading back east.

It was something around 15 I'll estimate, and the last 5 or so was a testament to Jesse the chiropractor and the painless gait I could sustain all the way in. It's a revelation to run without something hitching me up....had I found the energy, I would have liked to kept going, find some lovely old road curving out from the course to just disappear on....and on....and on....

My girl Deena takes the Olympic women's marathon trials today, 2:29 something.....and will represent us in Beijing along with 3 others. Boston marathon takes place tomorrow, as race season heats up.

I may not have all the strength all the time for all things, but it's good to know I have it often enough to be given a reminder of what it feels like to take the load without undue cost. We'll take on what we can....we'll bring our training, our pace to the task....we work for good outcomes.

find a place beyond fear

"Anything I've ever done that ultimately was worthwhile initially scared me to death." -- Betty Bender

Moderate temps and kind breezes made for a beautiful run this morning. It was a relief to get back on the road without a deadline, and soak up the sun and enjoy the rhythm of the run itself. It was a tough one, although a good distance, probably 9+ miles, the last 2-3 were very difficult to sustain. I wonder what my body is going through with the chiropractic adjustments? If things are looser (that much I feel) is it also true that it will take some sorting out of parts, as they readjust to new connections? Muscles and ligaments which have been stuck around certain areas need to be shifted....it will be awhile, I guess, before I am fluid once again.

In the meantime, I also try reinvolving myself more with yoga and meditation. Not much of a disciplined practitioner on either front, I still benefit from time spent either way. As things continue to heat up at work it becomes more important to use my tools to de-escalate the chronic tension and high-wire performance. Even I begin to flag....but at least I've been recognized, my numbers reflecting the work. A bonus day was approved, at my discretion- blessed time off!

"Bid me run, and I will strive with things impossible."

Shakespeare, Julius Caesar

Rest

Take heed that when effort is too strenuous it leads to strain and when too slack to laziness. So make a firm determination that you will adopt the middle way, not allowing yourself to struggle or to slacken, but recognizing that faith, energy, mindfulness, concentration, and wisdom are the fruits of a calm and equable way.

-Theragatha

Even when it hurts

"The more I run, the more I want to run, and the more I live a life conditioned and influenced and fashioned by my running. And the more I run, the more certain I am that I am heading for my real goal: to become the person I am."
--George Sheehan, M.D.,

An unusually late season cool front pushed the temps down into the 50's for a chilly run this morning. My legs feel like dead weights; I'm pushing into the cold winds, pushing against gravity, trying to press pass the hardness in my heart to find a little relief in motion. "The more I run"....the more I need to run. The longer I can sustain myself out there, the better I'll feel, no matter how beat up I become. The real freedom for me is to feel myself untouched except by sun and winds and the lift of the lively air. The more I run the more I hope to shed my weight, to become the light and the wind, to fling the molecules of myself off into deep space, to disappear into distances.

The more I run....The more I wish I could run....forever.

Back to the Big Picture

The fight goes on. The struggle for freedom, autonomy, independence, peace, justice, and social change. As the spiritual paradigm continues to shift, those who work within strict disciplines focus their remarkable energies for just these things. Meanwhile, I battle my own inner fight, as I try to ride out the weight of emotional dissonance which takes me away from things. I see the Big Picture. I have waited a lifetime to hone the skills to take my place within it. While I listen, and listen some more to those who need to tell me their sad stories, I take my own to the open road. I recognize the 'cycle' of these times; but I also pray to the Powers that Be that I am soon brought back to the warmth of compassion once more.

Key Biscayne, or Plan B

I had my hopes for taking on a 5K in Key West this weekend, but I wasn't able to register or prepare on time, and decided to run the 16 miler in Key Biscayne instead. The lighthouse photo is the lowest tip of the peninsula, at the end of Bill Baggs State Park, where I leave the car. I run a mile just to get out of the park and up into the city of Key Biscayne itself. Another few miles gets me to the highway stretch connecting the city to the first low causeway and marinas. There are only bikepaths, which us runners must share, and I run into their path so I can see them coming and jump out of their way. Cadres of cyclists in lively colors funnel down the lanes; while cars swoosh by. It's a nerve-wracking stretch that seems endless, and the first bridge gives me a mental break, taking me to my first rest stop. Finally, they have installed water fountains at the bathrooms, wow!! I take my time. I'm doing this all in the middle of the day, the heat is intense, and I'm feeling it. The next stretch takes me past the seaquarium and the beaches. It looks as though a triathlon has just finished...I see the tables, and athletes in unusual gear (for runners) milling about....I like to bike and swim, but for now at least, running is all I can handle...they are some serious looking athletes, however!

I'm coming up to the Rickenbacker, hovering over the Bay in all it's flight from gravity, taking over the landscape as the dominant feature and filling me with dread and determination. I don't have a ton of enthusiasm for this, but I do have a pressing need to prove to myself, at the eve of my 52nd birthday, that I can conquer it, so with a last deep breath and final inner pep-talk, it's up, and up I go.

I find a rhythm and a stride. Thanks to my new chiropractor, I am running without that hitch in my leg, so I can take the climb without gritting my teeth. I'm steady; I'm careful not to look ahead, where the stretch of the uphill curve appears to go on forever, but catch, instead, the full vistas of water where the boats have anchored, and the light plays with spectrum of grays and blues on the waves. Once I reach the top, I notice storm clouds just north. I take the measure of my progress so far; if I turn now, I may out-run the weather...it's a very long way back south, so I come back down the way I came, easing my legs on the downhill, picking up a pace to get me back to my rest stop, and chasing down a Clif Bar with lots and lots of water before I take the highway stretch to the city once again.

I struggle here...My legs are leaden, and it's increasingly hard to find a rhythm I can sustain. The traffic is annoying and there are just enough cyclists to make me jump into the grass at annoying intervals. My thoughts are discouraging; I feel like a middle-aged wanna-be trying to believe in things that are outside my reach...I want to do it over again, start younger, eliminate the missteps, miscalculations, I want to do ultras, team relays, trail runs, I want legs like that girl that passed me- how did she pass me, when she seemed so compact, feet so low to the ground? I am the slowest runner in the world....

I can only handle this if I break up the rest of the run into sections. Part 3 is the highway. Part 2 is the city of Key Biscayne, which I come into on leaden feet, circumnavigating the sidewalks like a zombie....block by agonizing block....until I reach Part 1 as I head into Bill Baggs. I get lost taking the first left once I see the word "beach" on a signpost. This is the brain fatigue that happens during long, hot runs....and I could not get myself back on the road until I followed the path through the parking area.....Once back, it seemed forever to get down far enough to my lot, my car, and my provisions. The park was packed. People from foreign countries and others flooding to the beach. I was going to stay. I opt not to; I don't have an ounce of energy left to tackle this much pushing and shoving in a remote park.

I realize I am none of those things I wished for, and yet I am some of them. I am, as usual, perplexed by the direction things go. I sometimes feel I need to be further, not closer, and my need to run is to push myself outside the envelope of humanity just enough to breathe.....

It wasn't what I'd planned. It wasn't what I'd hoped. No one rescues you when you bonk; only races provide support. Otherwise, it's only you and the road facing you. So you better get moving.....

It's National Poetry Month

thanks, CeeCee, for the photo

God Says Yes To Me

by Kaylin Haught

I asked God if it was okay to be melodramatic
and she said yes
I asked her if it was okay to be short
and she said it sure is
I asked her if I could wear nail polish
or not wear nail polish
and she said honey
she calls me that sometimes
she said you can do just exactly
what you want to
Thanks God I said
And is it even okay if I don't paragraph
my letters
Sweetcakes God said
who knows where she picked that up
what I'm telling you is
Yes Yes Yes

tough times

I feel an odd sense of foreboding. The run up to the weekend, the unusual level of work stress, the heightened sensitivities for anything and everything....not in and of itself so alarming, but cause for concern. It feels like I am running alone on a long road, having to sustain myself mile after mile. Sometimes I am so grateful for the room to breathe, cry, sing...then there are the sudden moments when the bottom drops out and the horizon seems to go on and on, and on with no end.

I know it's temporary, it always is. I know I just need to stay on rhythm, with the steady gait, listen to the tunes and believe the finish comes soon. I need to believe there is a purpose beyond mere endurance. I want to hope someone cares.

don't mess with a Warrior Queen

"Mar 21 - Apr 20 ... ATHENA...
Powerful and zesty Athena is the beautiful warrior queen who stood guard over the ancient city of Athens. Born leaders, Athena-inspired women know no fear, or that’s the face they present to the world at least. They experience trouble with self-expression, resorting to politics and force to coerce a project off the ground. They can be tough, independent, clever and resourceful women, but they should not be afraid to ask for help if they need it, and more importantly, allow people to help them."

As if Aries energy wasn't enough, apparently the zodiac signs also correspond to goddesses, and mine is Athena. Trouble with 'self-expression'? I don't think so, although finding an 'appropriate' voice in the world may be more to the point. We can be too loud, too aggressive, too opinionated, too cocky. Just too much. I am fortunate to possess other qualities that, as I age, appears to balance out the brashness of "firsts" in the energy wheel. Nevertheless, I also feel more fierce and determined; don't mess with my freedom, my agenda and goals. If I do it for myself, I do it for the Big Picture as well.

I am often afraid to ask for help; people who have helped me are extraordinary in understanding my proclivities....my unusual need for confidants, for processing, for deep deep solitude. They trust my process. I trust their interest as more than mercenary. There are incredibly few people I would tap for help these days. More than likely its the vast inner crowd of forces and energies I find myself calling upon as daily stress tries to undermine my work. Not to allow that, I focus, train, watch, rally, rest.

It's often a lonely place to be.

Carry on

"Buried deep within each of us is a spark of greatness, a spark than can be fanned into flames of passion and achievement. That spark is not outside of you it is born deep within you."
-- James A. Ray

A front moves in, not quite arrived, as the winds pick up, and gray scuttling clouds crowd out what would otherwise be a warm sun. I decide to make my way west, originally hoping to cruise the back road from the Seminoles and revisit training loops from pre-marathon days. The stiffness and ache in my legs, however, said otherwise, and even after 2-3 miles I could see this was going to be a difficult run.

So I rounded it out at 64th, came up and over the turnpike and straight on Stirling until Park. In the last mile before turning, I found a curious gait that was slow and steady into the wind, as if I was balancing off my back thighs and hitting the footfalls from my seat. Slow going, but another one good for endurance, and for probably about 9ish miles all put together.

I finished out a grueling week at work. When I run I laugh to myself sometimes about the need to train, not just to be physically strong, but most importantly, mentally unrelenting. If there is one thing running has given me its deep heart. I find I can tolerate what used to be the toughest stuff that would have taken me down and out. I watch my colleagues struggle with pain, workloads, stress, and I know it was me my first years there. Deep down I carry my own internal boiler room, but its more a cauldron of transformation these days, where the material of my life falls into so that the alchemy of wisdom, strength and insight can turn my vision into practical use and compassion. It's working, that's all I know. I pick myself up from the challenges of the week, the day, and I carry on.

Ungraspable Wonder

Enlightenment is a way of saying that all things are seen in their intrinsic empty nature, their Suchness, their ungraspable wonder. Names or words are merely incidental, but that state which sees no division, no duality, is enlightenment.

-Prajnaparamita

photo: Deena Kastor

On April 20th, the women marathoners will compete for a slot on the Olympic team. My other heroine, besides Paula Radcliffe will be competing as the front contender; Deena Castor. If you saw 'Spirit of the Marathon' then you saw a lot of Deena, both running the Chicago marathon as it was featured in the film, and training to come back from an ankle injury to prepare. Unlike Paula, who is incredibly tall and leggy, Deena is built like me; small and compact. She has a nuclear power, an explosive core. Watching her run, she is the opposite of Paula who glides off the ground in long strides, with effortless ease. Deena pounds out her energetic gait like a revolution in motion. I am completely caught into her commitment in the run; I am running along side her as she rounds off each mile, block, inch of the road, and comes into the line with sweat, blood and no doubt tears flying off her heart.

Beijing will hold many many challenges this year, besides unusual levels of pollution, government control, and political unrest at every turn. For the runners, an especially poor atmosphere in every respect. Meb has already chosen to decline participation, a leading male marathoner. How many others may do the same.

Secretly, I hope for boycott, to support Tibet and the appalling human rights record of the Chinese. We should not go silently or willingly into these Games pretending it's all business as usual with our host. I know it plagues the athletes to have to contend with this underlying drama. For Deena and the others, the goal of competing is all the reason they need to show up. I support them, I honor them, but I honor more the struggle for freedom of those peoples in forgotten regions who are under the oppressive control of greedy government regimes.

We may, one day, come to no division, no duality. But that day is not yet.

Taking it to the Streets

Giving myself a day of rest, after 2 brutal long days over the weekend was a smart call, though I'm not sure it was rest enough. But running is not just for my body; its for my mind, my soul, so there is no stopping my need to be out. One day away is about my limit. Cooped up at the office all day, it's all I can do to follow the thread of my feeling into the next morning, and the next run, while I sit, and type and talk and feel myself pretzel up into mild contortions. The worst part of a therapist's job? The endless sitting.

So today, after a deep sleep, it was back to the streets and a 7ish loop up and over the interstate and along Arthur until cutting up 56th and back on Thomas. I can feel the creaking and cramping from that Saturday push. Felt a few bad cramps in my right calf and thigh, the 'bad' leg. But up along Arthur, I had a stretch of lightness and ease and it felt GREAT to be flying with the wind. The loop back on Thomas put the wind in my face, however, so it was 2-3 miles of pushing. After a while you just find yourself leaning into it and slowing down until you find the right gait. It's exhausting, but it sure does build strength. And I need to get strong again if I'm going to build some mileage.

The image is a Mayan symbol. I've had 2012 on my mind, as I begin to come up on my birthday. The Aries in me if full of the spirit of change and transition, and the deep unrest of the season. I don't know from one moment to the next if I'm depressed or just waiting for something. The mood of the times has yet to unlock its secrets. I can't help feeling I am privy to something, however, if I can just stretch myself out into the atmosphere far enough. I think sometimes it's why I need to go the distances....once I am far enough away I can begin to feel something other than my own constricted role in life. And then the Big Picture can emerge.