Fluctuations

Like shifting sands in changing landscapes, the force of my will and emotions keeps oscillating between points of time.  Never sure from one minute to the next if I'm standing stable on my own Self platform, or flying into a dreamworld where every thread of my history seems to be trying to work itself out.

For the first time this week, a dream about Mom and Dad, together, hanging out with the rest of the players in the plot, easy, smiley, clearly reflecting the grace I imagine they share in their mutual transition.  The assumption of my own constant state of transition is itself in question:  even the usual outcomes of potentials for the future seem fragile, as if any movement could dislodge the one thing that will anchor me.

I ran long on Sunday, maybe the best and longest run in a while.  The weather and other disruptions have kept me from the roads since.  Today I managed a 4+ miler on the treadmill, which was much tougher than I anticipated.  Miami marathon takes place this Sunday coming, and no I am not participating.  My hope is to take myself out for a run in homage to the event and the runners who are putting themselves on the line, and find my own route through the inconsistency of my efforts.  One day, some way, I will resurrect the runner in me who feels stronger and better with every run.  But that time does not seem to be now.

When the world talks to us, we seem to pick up the words, images and signs which reflect our inner yearnings and unfolding.  Lately its been this theme of fluctuations, ebbs, flows, contractions and expansions.  We come to expect the rhythm as something we should recognize, control.  When the speed goes out of our range or understanding we experience it as chaos, distress, discomfort.  I hope I am learning to pause just long enough to appreciate the rate of change as a Rhythm outside my current capacity to encompass.  I like the idea that a Song is being sung of us, our world, and leading us like a Pied Piper to, not illusion, but transcendence.   Every moment seems rich in potential;  the delicate balance of staying awake and aware to the Center which holds us feels even more important.  And I somehow feel supported by the swoosh of nothing at all.

Doors Open

I made sure to take myself up on the Griffin loop, to prepare for returning to work and the routines of the week, and mostly to settle my mind and nerves for the transition.  Running is the great 'oxygenator';  it washes the system in the subtle euphoria of movement and air, and gives me freedom from the clunky reality of the 3-D world.  I had several nice stretches, completely non-logical- for after several weeks of inconsistent running which came with Mom's passing, you would think I would have much less endurance.

I don't get the sense that there is any particular trauma associated with Mom's transition, unlike my Dad who really went through a lot those last months.  I think all in all Mom had it together and was finally ready to go.  What she leaves is the sudden reality of our orphaned state and the mandate for us, the next generation of elders to take our formal place. 

For me, it is the end of the primary purpose to my move to Florida.  From 1999 until now, and most especially the last 3-4 years, my life was the safety net for my folks, and my role became ever more involved as their condition deteriorated.  For the first time in my working career, I am approaching the Open Door of possibility, knowing my own kin, my blood and spiritual families, are solid in their own directions. 

I will not pretend to know which direction, yet, calls me.  With the approach of ever more remarkable and creative shake-ups, and the volume turned up for those of us who can 'hear' the vibrational shifts,  I will begin as I would at any choice point; I will pray.

My honored mother and father, you who are now part of the legacy of ancestors, joining with the rest of my blood and soul family to link us, the living, with the power of Life on all planes:  May your healing rest bring you to your own next place of evolution, and as you continue, place us in your hearts to lead and guide us through the times ahead.  I can sense your Love all around.... be at peace, my dear ones.  Shed light on the soft dark corners of confusion, and allow us all to be right where we need to be.

Chapters Close/Open: RIP Mom

This is the 4th time I've tried to write this..its early morning 1-1-11, and I couldn't sleep.  I wanted to get an homage up for Mom before I lost steam...already lost my earlier entries, so here goes again:

Alice M Kaufman Cowen, born Feb 20, 1921, died Dec 31, 2010.  She was just shy of the New Year, and her 90th birthday.  What began as 'trouble breathing' became her door out, and she did it pretty peacefully.  

This is her High School photo.  My mom, always the beauty.  Last visit she said to me "I was the smart one."  Beauty and brains.  The entire dynamic of our relationship has been how 2 similarly smart women were defined by their generations.  For Mom it was marriage, 4 kids, 9 grandchildren and 4 great-grandchildren, various job/career attempts, and her vast connection to her large extended family and circle of friends.  Many of whom still kept up about her right to the end.   My mom who survived my dad, her sisters and all other elder relatives, the last.   She admired my independence.  I couldn't fathom her patience with things I came to admire after her stroke.  Last visit we agreed "I guess we gotta go with the flow."

The nurse told me that moment of clarity is very common, a last rally.  I'm glad I got to share it;  I had her focus in the ER before I realized finally that the fixed stare had not moved...and it was only a matter of time between then and her final passing in a bed upstairs.

I write this because its cathartic for me, and for the out of towners who may not make it in.  I write, too, just to extend the time a bit to be with her and by extension my dad, who I imagine are enjoying a well-deserved reunion.  We said goodbye to Vitae this year too, so I can add the reassurance of an extra guiding hand if needed.

Alice Cowen, you lived a very long and productive life.  You braved through trials and tribulations that those in my generation would hardly handle- you taught me how to accept and embrace life no matter what.  We wish you safe and swift travels on your spirit journey, dearest soul.  I stand with all my family members and your vast circle of friend, in wishing you Welcome Home.....!  Go and lay down all your pain and burdens.  You are Free at last.

Love you always Mom....
xoxoxoxoxo