3rd last long run

home (Park/Sheridan) east towards beach, north to Dania Beach B, east to the pier and straight down the beach to the N. beach station- 1st stop. Down the broadwalk over Hollywood B straight to Young Cirle and publix- 2nd stop. Straight through downtown under 95, north on Park to publix- 3rd stop. continue park and cut west to catch another small loop over and up to home....

I took one significant walk break towards the end and found I had it in me to complete the run without undue stress. naturally I am pretty played now, but my confidence is growing.

My true goal is to be able to enjoy the race. Too much physical distress and I'll be managing my discomfort. But if I can settle in, and adjust even when it's hard, I can really absorb the experience.

The reality of doing it for Dad is beginning to come back to me, to join my efforts with all the others, the good soldiers, the warriors, the protectors. I'd like to think we'll seal the deal, that mutual recognition and love has come to us. The end of the race, a confirmation that I'll do anything to represent.

Autumnal Light Begins

If light is a state of mind, the 'shining' through or illumination of understanding, insight, clarity, inspiration, then the struggle with darkness is an incubation in preparation to receive it. The cauldron of mind that hold the yin/yang of opposite forces struggles mightily to relieve itself of this tension, hoping, by choice, to surrender to something greater than mere will, the tiny effort of a single human against cosmic forces. I feel that sometimes. The lure of 'position'. Just when you find a comfortable foothold either in your depression or bliss, the pendulum begins to sway you off your mark...the delicate balance shifts, and before you know it, you stare down the barrel of a new set of issues....regrouping, recouping, ready as much as you can be for the next push.

I wasn't planning on anything long today. In fact I was pretty sore after 2 runs 2 days in a row. But I woke before the alarm, tiring myself out from the whirring mess of anxiety-driven dreams and decided to reverse my usual course and see what happens.
My goal was to be in the moment, focus on form and let my body grow accustomed again to being ot on my feet. At least the weather was with me, and the air has lost that heaviness of summer. My feet dragged themselves up the overpass, down to Taft and over to Park before the sun was fully up. The 2 mile stretch out Park became marginally more comfortable as I found my stride, and decided to make my stop at the 56th Ave Publix. Back up to Stirling, the long haul back to Park was where I needed that faith in all the past training that put some amount of energy in those tired muscles. It felt heavy in my heart but the very fact that I was still moving out past my length yesterday gave me a small measure of hope; could I still ramp up enough miles to succeed?

My dearest friend, one of many of my 'team' who pull for me, reminds me that Light is freely available- and given. I love her generosity. Prevailing over the pull of darkness, which has its own purposes, to recall the state of blissful being is a very blessed thing. I, who have so much familiarity with dark places forget how lovely and healing the Light can be. And every step on the run, with the sun full on my face I soak it up bit by beautiful bit.

I Pray

A month out from the marathon I am recuperating from a week down and out of the game. Altogether it was only 3 days of absolutely no running/no training, but it might as well have been a month. Yesterday I did a slow 5 and today a slower 7-8. Where did my endurance go??

The fog that I succumbed to, which demanded healing on so many levels, leached the very energy from me, body and soul. I felt like a zombie trying to find my Self, as I wandered the empty roads in my head...scaring myself with the ghosts of the past creeping by who seemed mute to answer or awaken to me, or me to myself, a dim time indeed.

Today, it was solemn. The ipod is again on the fritz (how many does this make? I should buy Apple stock...)- so it was sans music and just the thoughts in my head as I woke extra early to head out. Storm clouds threatened- what else is new? and I kept thinking, all I need is to get caught in the rain again...a conspiracy to be sure. My dreams, which have been a stew of work and family anxieties, kept stirring around. Nothing felt right. The very idea of a marathon just seemed laughable. I was determined, however feebly, to get something accomplished, knowing I cannot take the trip back, the registration, the airfare, the hotel. If the plan is in place, I must show up. And only miles will put me at that start line.

I tried to focus. I took lots of little walk breaks. I prayed. I couldn't even find the words within for specifics, in fact it became a mantra in step with my footfalls, "I pray...I pray..." as I attempted one of my many visualizations which sees my physical body in line with the etheric and grounded into the earth, working together all of a piece...

One of my many books marked in mid-reading caught my attention post-run as it spoke about "getting ahead of oneself" and how for runners this is a particular irony; how do you get ahead when you are exactly where you are? I realized that I was ahead of myself all summer long- hoping by sheer will to stay on schedule as I visualized those big miles and the big race ahead. I got ahead of myself and my capacity, as I usually do, for many things, for the ability to sustain the work, the grief, the process and transition of so much change. Even the strong take a fall, and I fell. To pieces.

There were parts of the run that were reminiscent of good runs past. I almost felt normal a few times as my feet found the pavement and the rest of me 'zoned out' into the early sun which found its brilliant way through trails of clouds. The Equinox reminds me how much it always comes back to balance; finding that knife edge between handling it, accepting it, and moving it through....I am where I am. Starting again to build so many things. When I come to the line I hope I have everything I need to finish. But for now I leave it in the hands of the gods who have gotten me this far. I must trust, as always, that my best effort is matched with Their beneficent intervention. Can you tell me, how to sustain the courage to come to the moment, one more time?

Surreality

While the sun hammers hot through unimaginably clear skies (having nothing but clouds or rain for so long) I lay sick on the couch. How did this happen? Just over a month out from MCM...expect the unexpected seems the lesson at hand.

After no runs Mon and Tues, I ran 10 miles yesterday early AM, more curious to know I could, regardless of my physical state. I made it alright, but it seemed to bring on the cold/flu which was itching to come to the surface. So ok, no running today, probably not tomorrow either and the weekend, we'll see.

I dreamt last night of a school too big, that I could not find my way back to my room where all my 'stuff' was...while along the way I kept having to speak or intervene with someone or some group which was all well and good, but....I knew I needed to take care of me. DUH.

It's wierd to be passive when my will says otherwise. It's strange when my otherwise high-energy body succumbs. I never realize how strong I am until I'm not. But physical illness is a reflection of so many things, so I know it is a good thing to allow all the flotsam and jetsam from this summer to circulate their way through. It's always hard to believe when you're down that the upside is waiting. But we know the pendulum eventually swings over... the patience to work with process is an artform. Anything I can do to enhance my healing is underway. I know the love and support of my team would say so.

Seeking Serenity

So it only felt like 20....according to a mapping site what I ran this morning was 15....very hard to believe....felt like much longer.
But at least it didn't rain.

I woke with a sore throat but determined to get out there, pushing myself and my weary headedness to take on the challenge of the long Griffin loop out to University and back...(15?? really??). It wasn't pretty. And I walked portions. Guzzled more than my share of water, drinks, chews and gels...cramming enough electrolytes to get me through unexpected heat.

I felt suddenly without thought or ambition as if all the energy spent building and piling on through this year has been escaping through a slow leak like a tire going flat. My heart, which has been pitched about in storms of distress, demands and disappointments suddenly felt empty. It was an old ache, a realization of taking on my own road again, and telling myself it will be ok, I have the endurance, I train; I can take it this time.

But where is the serenity of knowing that deep solitude is bound by love? It is always back to the Source, I suppose and the wondrous imperative that keeps me forward-footed. I can only hope that the path They lay before me has enough surprises to keep me coming back for more as I weave my own notion of accomplishment, of dreams into the fabric of Their expectations. Be kind, Beneficent ones, and tell me, after all, it goes somewhere, leads to surprising love.

Caught in the Rain

I really didn't care what the weather had in store, I needed to get out on the road. As I cruised over the railroad lines, I could see the fates were set to test me; a low bank of gray clouds clung to the horizon blocking the dawn sun. Everything began to coalesce east and south of me as I ran ahead of a front, and felt the pushing winds develop at my back. I made it all the way to Griffin and Publix before it let loose...and stood way too long wondering when to head back out as it rained, and rained and rained....

I realize at odd times just how claustrophobic I can get. Before long a Brinks truck, a vacuum truck (to suck up what exactly?), and a knot of trapped shoppers crowded me under the store eaves. It wasn't looking good as I thought out my options. Go back the way I came to cut down Park, or continue west and cut through Emerald Hills, shaving a few miles off the 10-er I planned. I took a Publix shopping bag and ripped it open over my head, giving me enough cover on my core to keep the worst of the windy rain off. And with that, I slipped out and headed into the rain...

There is something surreal and comforting about running in rainy weather. The shock of nature closing in with its relentless elemental presence pushes me inward, and yet every sense needs to be focused on the road, puddles, sidewalk formations, rocks...everything that can trip up a runner that gets hidden in standing puddles of water. The cars sounded too loud. The effort to stay dry (especially my feet) abandoned. Once I rounded the corner at Emerald I was feeling amazingly relaxed. As I've been doing, I pictured running in DC and pretended this was fall weather. I felt my legs open up to the sudden decrease in traffic and quieting roads. The rhythm felt good. My shoes, though soaked, were not pooling water, so they were doing their job well. My spirits, which were crushed at the initial onslaught of rain settled down as the storm tapered off into drizzly patches, keeping me cool for the last push.

I know I wanted to cry; the frustrations and sorrow were there. But maybe the rain did it for me. As I came home along the park, I felt tired and serene. It was a big push that felt farther and longer, but just enough to get me away from the pressures of home. I run to find solace and peace. And so far, it has never let me down.

15 and counting

The weather may be creating some challenges to an outdoorsy holiday weekend, but so far it's been a boon to training....the rain has not developed until later in the day. The mornings are cooler, with more cloud cover and so much easier to endure even a few degrees less than before.

So yesterday, starting out after 6:30AM was still pre-dawn, and cool enough to feel refreshing. My left ankle has been acting up with the new shoes, so I decided to do a long beach loop on my own and just take it real easy. From start to finish, out my door and back, up To Dania Beach Blvd and down the Broadwalk, through Hollywood and home by Sheridan is 15 miles. What 'Coach' and I have been doing is an 11 miler....Out west, I can put extra miles on the Griffin loop. This would be good, though, to begin extending what has been within my comfort zone and see what going alone feels like.

Heading east into the dawn. On weekend mornings, the serious cyclists are out in packs, strewn along the big roads in their multi-colored tops and helmets, their gleaming bikes strewn like jewels shooting down the sides osf the road. They are all business, too. I was in a good stretch all the way up to Dania, and did not feel the need to stop at either Publix. On the bridge over the Intercoastal I saw a knot of cyclists hovering over a man down. Looked like they had it covered. The entire pack riding with him obviously hovering to help....I felt suddenly very alone, invisible...what if something happened to me? Where is my team, where is my support?

Odd how the mind wants to make a case out of thin air and circumstances to trip up our confidence and resolve. I was over the bridge and heading south on the Broadwalk after my first pit-stop at the rest area on the beach, and feeling beat-up but elated. So far it was going well, even with my sore ankle. I was dressed right, packed right. And I was in no hurry. The shelf of gray clouds hovering over the morning sun skirting the ocean's surface like a shroud, parting now and then for a ray of light to kiss the water. The democracy of runners was out and about, trotting, dragging, jogging, bounding down the path. I felt too close and ached for the open road again, skipping out before Hollywood to run down to the bridge away from the crowds and took the overpass in a long, hard climb.

At the bottom on the other side, the early morning old Hollywood neighborhood took me in its quiet embrace. I had a good rhythm pulling along the picturesque streets, finding my way safely through the threat of a thunderstorm to my pit stops before making it home. Did it take a long time? You bet!~ But I was on my feet and able to maintain. I pictured myself 15-18 miles in and knowing "there is still another race to go"...with 6+ miles to the line. I felt the pain and discomfort and kept going anyway. I knew, somehow, that when I needed it, I would have it; the strength, the courage, the capacity, even if I lose the initial comfort and confidence. Something will bring me into that line. Someone will be waiting. A lot of someones will be there, this time.

Mom was better yesterday, if compared to "i want to die"...and able to evoke a sense of calm in me I haven't felt in a long long time. For a brief moment I was able to let go of my constant worry for her. I felt the Universe holding her separate from me, on her own timetable with her own process at work. I took back my desire to give up and morphed it into a peaceable distance from the stress of everyone else's life. My mind, which was taken up on that open road, still found itself gratefully running down some singular, singing dream.