I Pray

A month out from the marathon I am recuperating from a week down and out of the game. Altogether it was only 3 days of absolutely no running/no training, but it might as well have been a month. Yesterday I did a slow 5 and today a slower 7-8. Where did my endurance go??

The fog that I succumbed to, which demanded healing on so many levels, leached the very energy from me, body and soul. I felt like a zombie trying to find my Self, as I wandered the empty roads in my head...scaring myself with the ghosts of the past creeping by who seemed mute to answer or awaken to me, or me to myself, a dim time indeed.

Today, it was solemn. The ipod is again on the fritz (how many does this make? I should buy Apple stock...)- so it was sans music and just the thoughts in my head as I woke extra early to head out. Storm clouds threatened- what else is new? and I kept thinking, all I need is to get caught in the rain again...a conspiracy to be sure. My dreams, which have been a stew of work and family anxieties, kept stirring around. Nothing felt right. The very idea of a marathon just seemed laughable. I was determined, however feebly, to get something accomplished, knowing I cannot take the trip back, the registration, the airfare, the hotel. If the plan is in place, I must show up. And only miles will put me at that start line.

I tried to focus. I took lots of little walk breaks. I prayed. I couldn't even find the words within for specifics, in fact it became a mantra in step with my footfalls, "I pray...I pray..." as I attempted one of my many visualizations which sees my physical body in line with the etheric and grounded into the earth, working together all of a piece...

One of my many books marked in mid-reading caught my attention post-run as it spoke about "getting ahead of oneself" and how for runners this is a particular irony; how do you get ahead when you are exactly where you are? I realized that I was ahead of myself all summer long- hoping by sheer will to stay on schedule as I visualized those big miles and the big race ahead. I got ahead of myself and my capacity, as I usually do, for many things, for the ability to sustain the work, the grief, the process and transition of so much change. Even the strong take a fall, and I fell. To pieces.

There were parts of the run that were reminiscent of good runs past. I almost felt normal a few times as my feet found the pavement and the rest of me 'zoned out' into the early sun which found its brilliant way through trails of clouds. The Equinox reminds me how much it always comes back to balance; finding that knife edge between handling it, accepting it, and moving it through....I am where I am. Starting again to build so many things. When I come to the line I hope I have everything I need to finish. But for now I leave it in the hands of the gods who have gotten me this far. I must trust, as always, that my best effort is matched with Their beneficent intervention. Can you tell me, how to sustain the courage to come to the moment, one more time?