The Tyranny of Happiness

Whenever the coin flips, and I find myself on the side of 'issues' and more challenging emotions, I seem to buck up against my own prescribed expectations for emotional balance, as if 'happiness' were the only indicator.  I know this so well from the counseling process;  a client has gotten up enough courage to take a look under the 'rocks' of secrets and denial to really explore difficult terrain- which they interpret as "depression" or "going crazy"/unstable and I'm throwing them a parade for finally looking in the shadows where they previously refused to go- and where the trouble emanates.  I've never known a client who isn't somewhat surprised by my 'interpretation' and enthusiasm for their process.  Once they have some confidence in the 'normalcy' of it all, we can continue 'connecting the dots' between the disowned parts of themselves and their patterns and problems.

Now lens turned inward;  my emotional palette has been influenced by many events;  my granddaughter's arrival, the high holidays and expected melancholy over missing the active participation of my parents, and the chronic health challenges which corrupt my otherwise optimistic ambitions for all things running and long-term wellness.  Just when I thought I should bag the marathon plan, I pulled out a very nice long Griffin loop today.  Again, after a carb-fest yesterday (thank-u Whole Foods for making it 'real'), a bunch of sleep and a gift from the gods- a cool breeze on the dawn and as comfortable as it's been in many months! 

Once settled into my gait, and still sans music, I tried to roll out the carpet of emotional notes which seemed to be caught right at my throat.  The anxious, disconnected presence of that little girl who has quietly taken me hostage into her solitude.  Artists can tolerate- in fact often crave- large periods of time alone.  The schedule of a working counselor hasn't offered me that in many years.  Running has become a means of achieving glorious isolation from the world to meet myself in my own head.  However, the persistent and sometimes tiring needs of this child in me can simply be the desire to escape- run from the 'crazy and dangerous adults' (especially men, sorry guys....), from pressures to perform, conform, and put up the brave face....

I have no doubt about my Path, my mission or purpose in this world.  Thanks to my lifelong quest and identification as a spiritual worker/warriour (thank u Mello and Sun Temple folks!) I am confident that my abilities have been channeled to the right Work.  Meanwhile,  learning to develop Self while coming into closer contact with all aspects of myself brings the challenges of growth.  My light worker brothers and sisters seem better adept than I at the art of Happiness;  of experiencing the joy and connecting with the exuberance of Life.    For me, the presence of Spirit comes with a price;  and connection has demands....

I took the long road today until I felt the pressure begin to come off....the emotional elements began to blend into that hypnotic and calming rhythm that is a natural gait.  Each part of me clamoring for attention finally quieted while something else, the rhythm itself let me relax into the motion and atmosphere.  The true 'escape' is only at the deepest levels of trust, when we meet our Self in the arms of our very Life,