It was excruciating to not run for 3 days. To sit in hard plastic chairs attempting to be comfortable; impossible! To listen to all the youngsters who find themselves knee deep in the 'shit' of our Work, a little wide-eyed, a bit naive, and to reminisce about episodes in my own career. It was great having Keith there for the presentation. It felt like bringing a slice of real life into the classroom, where it belongs. But the effort and time it took to get through all the work, the chores and self-care was enormous. Now it's 3 days at work, and Michael comes Thursday!
I am really feeling what it takes to manage and maintain my life solo. The busier and more complex things become, the more disciplined I can be. But with no wiggle room or 'back-up', I see all the time how every little thing depends on me. This has brought me full circle in my life, from my earliest independence, through the era of marriage and boyfriends and the larger community up north, to independence once again. I am past the 'lonely' stage; I am so grateful to have my autonomy. But it's a dicey game, and sometimes I wish I could opt out, even for a bit.
Back to running today after missing those 3 days, I came to see all over again how the sheer movement brings the control back into my psyche. How much I need to move at my own pace without interference....and be the originator of my physical process. In the job of sitting and listening or focusing on the computer, I am never able to mobilize my energy which needs to stretch itself...when I don't run, there is nothing else that gives this to me, in such direct, entraining form.
So not only did I run 7 miles, I did the yoga routine too. I prepared all the food for the next 3 days and talked to Michael. I'm set to go. Aiming for 40 miles this week, if all works out as it should. Back to balance, such as it is. Back to the road, which welcomes me always with its wide ribbons of possibility.
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