The crisp, cool night of Solstice was invigorating. Best laid plans were just that, laid to bed. The week, with it's heights and furrows, constantly tripping me up, was over, at work. I needed and wanted nothing more than to vegetate blissfully on my living room floor. So after some drills, fresh air and a sauna, that's what I did last night, a feign attempt to leech the crappiness out of my system from The System, trying to pollute me once again....
So I slept, long, restless, and I dreamed, of....not sure what. But when I got up, I wanted to follow that cold air out into the day, on my feet, and see what could happen. I thought for sure, going really long, past Douglas and my Publix outpost, might bring me into a 20-ish range. There wasn't a cloud in the sky when I took off; it was an ideal day for a long run.
I've worked out some packing, a hydration belt with just 2 bottles, extra cash, a bar and gatorade/protein powder. I feel like a packhorse, and I don't like it; the shorter runs I don't take a thing, and I prefer being completely unencumbered. I also wore the clothes I consider racing in. So I had all this optimism and hope, and I took it on gallantly.
It wasn't a bad run. It was pretty brutal there somewhere past the midpoint, but as usual, something always resolves towards the end, no matter how far that end might be; peculiar. Anyhow, the problem is, I checked everything on my e-map; I barely made a 30k....and the point when it became difficult was- big surprise- mile 13, what would be the halfway point. Every wincing dragging limping crazed footfall was still miles and miles short of what I would have to be doing....how do I physically keep moving for an entire half marathon feeling like I'm on my last legs??? 5 hours, yeaa, right. More like 6+ and that's generous. For the first time I had to walk through the possible scenario of not being able to finish....in some fashion...and could I accept that, after all this work and anticipation.
Seems I am always over-anticipating myself; I have such vision of everything. The details of getting there are so mundane, but necessary, yes I know. It all seems natural and easy at first then suddenly limitations and boundaries are everywhere. What felt like limitless potential and possibility devolves into necessity; the Mother who does indeed invent our lives. It's necessary to try, I suppose. I just don't know any other way. I've quit a lot of things in life. I understand the risk of walking away and what's at stake. I have remade and redefined my path; I am more nimble in my head than ever on my real feet. It's all an arteface of something anyway. Who am I on the road? Just some girl running. No one knows me. I have no obligation except to keep moving forward; no one bothers me, I'm just traveling through.
I hope I finish. I don't know if I want anyone there. I have to accept any possibility, in public if they are. Difficult call. I am a month out now, and there are more hurdles to come. If I keep my shit together, head level, and just focus on the swing, the move, the rhythm, maybe I can stay up, keep on, come through.
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