Within, Without

Our last breakfast together, Claire the Amazing sits between her multinational grannies, happy as always to just hang out and be with whoever is with her.   Language was transcended by the bond we shared with our little granddaughter and happy I am to be the SoFlo/American rep of my now Elder generation....

During my time off I spent a lot of it in deep process, allowing my conflicting emotions to swirl together while I pulled images from the recent past into my potential future.  The shamanic descent, which truthfully I try to dodge if possible, caught me out in my downtime and soon had me in the grip of the shadowy side of my heart, where pain and loss still occupies a domineering space.   It is incredibly tough to allow Process to have its time.  I realized I was lucky to have it at all, when most of the time I am so focused on work, and therefore others, that I can hardly keep up with my own self.
I was tumbling deep within my own internal vortex;  I was trembling from streams of tears.   I avoided unnecessary contact, afraid I would be less than capable of reasonable response.   In short, I hid from the world.

Today's run was my commitment to taking myself into the world once more, since this is my first day back to work.  As in many times past, it was a roller coaster ride of emotional outlet.   Dragging my tired ass, weary from anxiety in the night, I rounded out the first stretch with my fear in my throat, silently lost in the emotion, letting my feet find their gait, gaining strength and confidence as I headed up the link to Griffin and glad, after a while to have the sun, winds and an early morning to buoy me on.

Once settled in,  I tried to watch the attempt to climb back out of the darkness, how my little girl self, the one I had nurtured this week, the one I talked to and held in my big girl beliefs finally got a glimpse of the light.  Not the heart-rending transformative insights I prayed for, not the direction signs to say this, do that.   A shift, a slight release, and I knew there I was at the lip of nothingness, sliding my way out of the hole.

It is very hard to go without things.  On the altar of sacrifice, I have laid many things down.   And there are other things which are taken,  whether I freely offer them, like my youth.   The adjustment of aging, and finding myself the Greyhaired one, who remains so hopelessly lost in some ways is a thought with Fear.   I can do nothing with it except lay this down too and ask that where ever this road is taking me, there is something beyond what I have, what I lost, what the world or myself can generate which is the Essence of Me.   Without that,  there is no road at all.

Resilience on the Run

Nature is the reason I run.   Every morning, wondering "where are all the other runners" reminds me oh yea, they're at the gym,  in their work out rooms, running on treadmills, hooked up to machines, 'programs', calibrators of all sorts.  Treadmills are running of last resort.   I prefer my mini-tramp to the treadmill.  But luckily I am not shy to tackle SoFlo heat and humidity, and I would NEVER want to run- by choice- anywhere but outdoors.

Ever since I was a child, wandering through the old apple orchard trails behind our house, or following my Dad around as he cared for his fruit trees and shrubs, I have been in love with living plants, trees, etc.   At 16, I took over a south facing corner bedroom and took every house plant my mother had, added some plants from school where I was the student who took care of our coleus greenhouse (it was a very modern HS),  and in no time had a complete solarium, and one more place to hide out as a teenager.

I've moved around place to place always establishing the next set of plants.  Whether is was a handful or full out jungle, like I have now, I could not imagine a world without me in their midst.   Plants, the 'silent' companions, have a Zen-like skill to adapt, adjust and interact with their environment.  As they respond to the conditions around them, they seem to speak to all the elements of the surroundings, including me.   As the 'constant gardener', I pick up their vibe and provide what they seem to want;  in exchange, we cohabit in a world of soft, lush beauty, and soften the sometimes rough edges of the world.

When I run I am constantly scanning the various landscapes I move through.  My usual routes are such that I have endless visual variety; from big old households to empty lots, from the detritus of roadways to golden skies...always something which fills my curiosity, my pull to be swallowed up in the open.  No matter what psychological shifts are going on, and whatever people may do, very few have a chance to really commune with the natural world.   I feel I learn and absorb the Zen-like resilience of Nature every time out on the road, finding my own natural stance on my feet, while moving, extending my balance into the physical world.

Find a tree, a plant, a flower and imagine it's inner world;  how light, gases and that something inexplicable is coursing through it's structure, rooting deep in the ground while reaching high into the air above, circulating the very elements of earth.  There is a part of us always seeking to spread our roots deep into life, while we reach for the unknown.  No matter what is thrown at us, we can be at One with that.

Life After: Mother's Day '11

It's taken several days for me to find a voice about Mom, and life after.  On Mothers Day, I unplugged everything and waited out the influx of images, feelings and memories.  The Mom I knew once upon a time, and the Mom post-stroke, post-Dad were very different.  My ambivalence, sorrow and stress of these last years have not quite left me yet...there was nothing more sad than watching my parents deteriorate before me eyes.

I, too, have morphed into another Me.  And yet, the fundamental core of 'Mom' which infuses us, me and her, as the "someone" who gave life to someone else, is the same.  Women seem to inherently understand this, about themselves and their own moms...while men seem to struggle with what their obligations or contributions are in the scheme of things.  My someone, my son, will always back me, champion my cause, celebrate my every gain in life.  He will be there when I need him and leave me alone when I need space.  As he became a parent this year,  it is his turn to feel the magnetic pull of a child, and learn his own right way into this bond, while our darling Claire,  self-possessed little soul, makes her way into our hearts.

I set out for my Sunday long run that day full of feeling.  The May morning, bright, clear and already tinged with heat, rolled out before me as if to say "go anywhere you want."  I let my feet take the lead, and headed out Park and tackled my big Griffin loop, all the while grateful that my stride was good, and my energy intact, even after a 6 day work stretch.   I was the runner Mom would never be.  I was the full-time worker, counselor, writer, artist my Mom would always admire.  She gave me this:  the vision of herself way past her own capacity to manifest;  the independence of mind and soul, her awe and encouragement to become the woman I am today, and the courage to cope with and overcome....all our collective family obstacles.  

It's a debit each generation leaves to the next:  where we failed, where we left off....what dreams went unrealized, hopes which faded with age and disuse.... My legacy is the embodiment of Woman Power.  No one must give us permission to be who we really are, the manifest energy of the Greatest Mother of them All, and our Ultimate Role Model.   If it takes a warrior to conceive and birth worlds, then we are Warriors too. 

Sunday May Day Long Run

Despite the exhaustion, the mental fatigue from a 6 day full-client caseload stretch, I woke to a May morning bright with crystalline light, the early sunshine lining the material world with luminosity.   Within half an hour I was heading out Park, west, putting the full sun on my back and easing out the stiffness, after 2 days off.  My Friday and Saturday early starts take away my morning run window.  I could get up way earlier to pull it off, but sleep is a cherished commodity.  I am still doing 4 runs a week, and keeping Sunday long.  Not bad, and my base is slowly feeling more stable.  We'll see what opportunities present to up the mileage by and by.

On a morning like this, the hypnotic nature of clarity, of perfect circumstances, lifted me into the joy of the moving rhythm;  many good tunes rolling through 8Track, a great app if you haven't tried it.   Playlists of unknowns, mostly, great new stuff, all kinds, keeping my inner tempo like a gyroscopic modulator;  footfalls become musical beats and tones, rumbling through my gait.

I meandered over, up and around the Big Griffin loop, always glad to see that N 40 stretch, and the lovely oases of big growth landscape tucked in corners which beckon my dreams of my own compound,  the next place, a space to get lost in if needed, to find oneself, always, to dream into the future of course.

The Message of late seems to be...."all in good time, so relax..."  a mantra that for ambitious and intense folk like me,  always seems like a rather contraindicated prescription.  That said, I am certain that some mechanism also made a link, along with the insight, as if decades of constraints on my ability to relax, to not only see- but accept- the nature course of things, came into place.   Enough voices have persuaded.  It is time, now, to let it unfold. 

Never, on a run, do I bail, call a cab, cut it short.   I may be conservative about what I think I can do, and my runs, my mileage is indeed modest by most/some standards.  But each time I start out and decide "6 miler" "Griffin loop"  "beach circuit" etc.,  I am as committed to the endeavor as any explorer heading out on expedition.   It may kick my ass, or flow as smoothly as it did today, like a gift from the gods in every way possible.  But always, the run is there, it's own mini process of transformation and change.  So that by the time I walk back in the door, my feet are as light as my heart.

Spring Runs Along

Back to working 6 days a week leaves little wiggle room;  the chores still need to get done, the bills paid, and training, that elusive monster who seeks to drive me towards running goals, occasionally shouts loud enough for me to contemplate how I put my miles together.  While Spring opens up the possibilities, on Her wild wings of blustery breezes and milder temps,  my body seems perpetually caught between my physical obligations in counseling, essentially paired down movement, sitting, and my quest for motion in running. 

I noticed more on yesterday and today's run the 'pretzel' phenomenon, or how the kinks, aches and pains can become cemented after a long stretch of sitting... I take all this out on the road and expect the miraculous- won't my stride be painless, effortless?  Can the simple cadence of foot strikes rhythmic like acupressure bring healing comfort to all those stuck places?   I was far away in my mind today, in what for me is the dissociative strategy in running,  the gentle defocusing of awareness from whatever my body is doing, to the mystic inner reaches in my head, the meanderings that allow me to direct my mind back to dreamlike potentials, to feel how anything is possible if I can see it, feel it there.

This curious conflict between quirky physicality and the dream-mind poses new experiences and possibilities;  what can I learn from this that might bring a more harmonious collaboration?  I am certainly taking the runs more one by one.  I head out and decide as I warm up, which way, how much and how hard to take it; I have more rest days than before, and I sleep as much as I can!

There is no doubt in my mind that the Pressures of Change are such that no matter how masterful you may think you are about your healing or health status, it will take another level of understanding to accept the challenges of these times.   We think aspects like environmental toxins or even Cosmic vibrations are 'subtle' in nature, and yet, it is the stuff of such subtleties that comprise real challenges in maintaining our wellness.  Both within and without, you are a Work in Progress seeking the next Breakthrough.  All this elemental force coalesces in the Cauldron of your Soul.  And as each piece is another voice in the matrix, we seek to listen, adjust and transform.

Weekend with Nature, and a run

The reconnection with CeeCee and Mother Nature had an empowering and healing impact on me, as we immersed ourselves in the magic of Fairchild gardens and John Lloyd beach.   The hot clear stretch prior to her visit was broken by the tip of the tail of that intense northern storm, which brought us much needed rain relief from our drought.  Storming at Fairchild, and again yesterday, after the beach....a wonderful window to catch the ocean, and a run from end to end at John Lloyd.

I typically head out by 7:30ish;  yesterday I was gearing up about 11:30, and the sun was full on.  It's been a long time since I attempted any hot weather running.   Predictably, I underestimated the need for fluid and the intensity of heat radiating off the pavement.   The stretch from our end lot all the way in to the front gate went well....I blocked out the heat until I stopped, and did the turn around back, realizing that I had a very challenging stretch with half a bottle of water.  Still, the heat had a soothing effect, as I felt it penetrate shoulders, arms, and gave me full on light to see the beauty of the landscape- no soft dawn here!

I love John Lloyd and its corridor of grape, brush, and then the looming presence of the huge cruise ships, all lined up and ready to slide out to sea...the little switchbacks, the feeling of being a part from the bustling world, the runner's dream of stretches of open road and no pressure to do anything but place a foot in front of the other...and all to the wonderful roll of music, lifting me, encompassing me...carrying me however far I want to go.

It was an extraordinary weekend, full of the magic of old friends and only the sort of sharing that the shorthand of our shared Path expresses....a little ritual, art, lots of music, good food...and of course comparing notes on it All....the Mystery as it unfolds for both of us, all of us, in our lives.

So to all those who are 'en route' to your next destination, whether you know where/what it is or not,  I would say if you feel what I feel when caught up in the pleasure of that rhythm in the long stretch of open road, the buoyancy of your own excitement, roll with it....and take the heat, the presence of deep Nature with you.  See what surprises might come your way.

Birthday Run

Couldn't sleep last night, felt like Mom and Dad were close around, 'pressing' themselves on me with a sense of our deep connection and leading me down Memory Lane and the years of karmic meandering, growth and shared love.  I had my mind made up that no matter what I would run this morning,  as much a dare to my now 55 year old self as anything.   Yesterday, I looked longingly at my MC marathon pix, wondering how I managed to get past that 13 mile mark when I felt like quitting, to do another 13+ miles to the finish....admiring that girl, and realizing that yes, I have ACCOMPLISHED A LOT!!

I am so 'in process' of whatever I seek to manifest in this world that I constantly forget about where I've come from, and what I've gained a long the way.   If I focus on losses, then it feels as if my world has shrank.  But in reality, there has been a perceptible opening of abilities, awareness in conjunction with my constant ambitions....elderhood has done me a lot of good.  I was a miserable young person;  everything seems to have coalesced to give me this door into whatever is coming, with balance, faith and hope.

I appreciate everyone who has thought of me today.  You may think it is not so important, but I can tell you that every connection is so precious, every good word anchors deep in my heart to buoy me in tough times.   I can only translate the love and care I give to my clients by the flow of good graces bestowed through the Generosity of Those who seek my fulfillment in this life, and move me, through my loved ones, to continue to strive, motivate, believe.

If you haven't yet, take yourself outdoors and breathe. ... and feel the sense that Mother Earth is under you, supporting you while the Wild Winds of Fate blow all around to Teach you where to go!