I got everything done with errands yesterday, after a morning 5-6 miler. My plan today was to go out long without any directive for time or distance. In my mind's eye, I saw that Publix out on west Stirling, where I used to pit-stop on my summer training runs. It just didn't seem out of the question. And the weather was on my side; coolish, drizzly, overcast.
So up and out by 7:30...and feeling as usual sore and distracted by all the aches and pains that seem to be part of waking up at middle age. Running is my relief from age, at least around miles 4-5; unfortunately all the ones before and after are pretty dire...but worth the effort and the push that comes from hope that one day I will adapt.
Oh well, I dream.
Headed west. On a Sunday morning there is very little traffic on Park. I can take the whole stretch running right in the road, on a straight away 2 miles long. I settled into my tunes, and began to wake up. Took one big stretch up to the park before the overpass on the Turnpike where I took my time and adjusted my shoes. I decided to try an old pair of Asics. If the Brooks are spare, the Asics are like running on big marshmallows....full of weighty cushion, my hope was this would spare me discomfort going long. What I forgot was why I've put them aside- poor engineering, a rough spot on the right toe, everything felt compressed...but yes, I had plenty of cushioning!
Took the overpass. Had to run around the rez now that the Seminoles closed 64th. Ran up a nice long stretch to Stirling and took my time at the Publix I planned for...passing the same homeless guy who seems to headquarter on their sidewalk, giving him a nod as I make my way in and refuel. Wilson St is a favorite piece that heads between Stirling up to Griffin along a tree-lined canal with beautiful big properties and nurseries. I am doing fine, if tired. The winds were heavy and only now was I heading more into them; once I rounded out east at Griffin they were right in my face and for the first time I felt really fatigued. The gray skies, the occasional shower, the stiff resistance quickly wore me down; I tried to figure out an efficient route to circle back home, and decided on 40th down, cutting eventually to Emerald Hills. I walked a stretch to 40th. I took off again with my hood up and tried to remember what it was like to train for the marathon, when a run like this was business as usual. My feet went on automatic and I settled in again, keeping the stride until my next stop at the small park on Emerald Hills drive.
My sense of time begins to fade. It starts to feel as if I've been out for days, trekking around. The lack of sun to give me any indication of time passing adds to the surreal atmosphere. It becomes dream-like, zen- it is me along in a big universe with a lot of cars and endless miles of roads....while I patiently, slowly make my way closer and closer to home.
Why are we compelled, like horses to the barn, to find our way home? What is it about our 'place' our space that calls us?? When I was little I used to roam back paths for endless hours, to escape home. To get away from the strange and hostile energy of adults, from everything artificial and confining, to be myself. Now I run for the same reasons, but I hone in on my own little cave which has given me comfort over my Florida years. I'm looking for a new house. It will be hard to manufacture the same labyrinth of routes i have built up for so long, somewhere else.
The impulse for home reflects our search, and our deep need to return to ourselves. We push ourselves out the door everyday just to come home again to what we know. The run represents my early and most fundamental memory of taking off as a means of finding parts of me that must be free from this constant context, as if nature needs my attention to talk about the changes we undergo. I am at home when out there. But I understand now the function of home. In my heart, there is a deep place that comes with me no matter where I am, and the presence of my true self tells me to open it up and run on anywhere, even 5 miles too long today.
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