The Flow

Whether it's a torrent, a whirlwind, parched and dry or oppressively dark, the contexts of the times keep changing, and the events right with them. The move that was supposed to dismantle my unit at work and reassign us all has been "post phoned"...until further discussion by the powers that be (little letters...etc)...and after internalizing the stress of the stop/go/stop/go realize today, I need to get into the flow.

Did not run yesterday, today. Went through the yoga series instead, and felt it helping my inner focus and control. It's high 80's, low 90's today, I'll try going long tomorrow morning and see how it feels.

It's tenuous times. The world wants to split apart to let the light in. Whether we cry, or stumble or just fall down in the middle of it all the force of the tides will continue to ebb and flow around us. I am as unstable as my core. If I imagine myself rooted into the center of things, the earth, the universal Source, then I can feel how much easier it is to navigage change.

Going on while going through, and with the flow.

With Support and Love

A 7-8 miler early this AM was strong and cranky. Strong because I felt fluid and fast, I kept a good clip up even against my fatigue. Sometimes I can do this. When I can it feels fierce and powerful, and makes me feel capable of handling anything. Cranky because I could feel aches and pains moving around, mostly centered on my top thigh, hip flexor. The muscles that support me feel so tangible, and yet as malieable as molecules dancing in fast motion, shift and shimmy, up and down, gripping, loosening, gripping again.

The support I've been feeling is tangible, and like rock, something I can break against, with all my rage and sorrow and acquiesence, sure to find something to contain me, and channel me forward. It's a slow go this season; I had hoped to hover around 50 mpw, really train for the terrain of the endurance half in September. But the shape of the future was coming, and I sensed it all along.

So this is okay, and new. To increase, even by increments, my degree of support and love. It is the miracle of my feet, my legs, ribcage, neck and arms, the steady cadence of the beat in my ears, and the whooshwhoosh of breath from my lungs- this is what carries me every lonely mile, around and about the ones I love.

You are supporting me still. You who are unseen and felt in the terrible times. You who understand, embrace, accept. The Beneficent Ones are always here to steer us clear, even while we scale the most ominous cliffs.

Stay on your feet. The rest of the distance will take care of itself.

From BeliefNet

At The Feet Of The Divine
Laying Our Burdens Down

"We all know the feeling of walking through life as if we are carrying the huge burden of our worries and stresses on our backs and shoulders, struggling to keep moving forward. There is no real way to move freely and fluidly in such a situation, and we are all longing to lay our burdens down. Just imagining that it would be possible to do such a thing can be enough to elicit a sigh of relief and a feeling of lightness.

The human imagination is a powerful tool, and we can use it to take journeys to faraway places without ever leaving our home. Because of this, we too can lay our burdens down at the feet of a divine being such as the great Mother, Buddha or a mountain. Releasing ourselves from that which we can’t handle on our own. No matter how smart we are, how capable we are, or how hard we work, no one can single-handedly cope with all the worries that we tend to take on in the course of our lives. And, we aren't designed to do so. Our wellbeing depends upon our ability to hand over that which we can no longer carry by ourselves.

Visualizing yourself carrying your burdens to the feet of someone or something much bigger than you can be a powerful daily practice. To begin, sit with your eyes closed and envision an all powerful, supremely comforting being in what ever form that takes for you, standing at the end of a road. See yourself carrying a large sack, box, or other container, imagining that all your worries are inside it. Watch as you make your way to the being of your choice, and lay your baggage down at their feet. Allow yourself to feel the lightness and relief of this action, express your gratitude, and surrender. You will be amazed by how this simple meditation can liberate you from a burden you were never meant to carry."

"The world would have you agree with its dismal dream of limitation.
But the light would have you soar like the eagle of your sacred visions."

-- Alan Cohen

Plenty of Time and No Time

If we have...presence of mind then whatever work we do will be the very tool which enables us to know right and wrong continually. There's plenty of time to meditate, we just don't fully understand the practice, that's all. While sleeping we breathe, eating we breathe, don't we? Why don't we have time to meditate? Wherever we are we breathe. If we think like this then our life has as much value as our breath, wherever we are we have time.

-Ajahn Chah, "Taste of Freedom"

No time to think today, back to back clients, the unit mood dramatic with change, boxes begin to stack, papers are taken down; options discussed, complained over, emotions running high. No time to run, going in by 7AM, attempting to stay out of the office this weekend. No time to see Mom, although all these things had choices, and in the end, I choose to be home while I have the chance, and breathe.

Plenty of time to watch the light brighten off the back windows as the day lengthens, and to see the movement of late day breezes off the ocean, or everglades or whereever they originated. Somewhere, forces are fueling winds, and they fall into my neighborhood, kicking up the dust and sand, filtering the air, breathing down our backs with the heat of the sun.

No time to digest the changes...and to speculate about tomorrow, it's all so immediate. No time to wonder what might happen, it's all happening now.

Plenty of time later to let the night take me in it's wide embrace. I will wait longingly for the quiet to overcome me. I will listen for the footsteps of my dreams and look for the dark lines of night to soften my eyes. The dreams of future times are just out of reach as my pace picks up again to chase them down.

Running Through

The 7+ miler early this morning felt strong, great, after a mile or so of unkinking the tired tightness out of my bones. By 7AM, the sun was hot...and too much exhaust from the early commuters...one of the drawbacks of heading out at that hour. But I hit a nice rhythm, and now that the new shoes are broken in better, I feel the comfort of being able to sustain a harder gait, at least for some amount of time. I needed this; I had too much on my mind. I'm heading now to the hospital to find out what the 6th floor rehab is all about and from there a very full, hectic day at work. There will be no break now, no 'day off', and no time to hide. There is running through the stress, pain, sadness and constant change. If I keep moving, I keep strong. If I keep strong I will keep up. That, for now, is the goal.

Time brings Change to us All

My first day back to work, and the talk is all about boxing it up, sorting it out, counting, planning, calling, canceling, post phoning, and closing it up on the unit, and soon. I couldn't believe how my world has changed. There was a lot of love from my clients, and feeling really useful, and missed was a balm. I called the hospital later and found out mom goes up to the rehab floor; I didn't want to know much more, I didn't want to hear if she was restrained, or the aid has been found by dad.

I didn't run today, and no yoga either, as we were there early to catch her post-procedure. Driving home from work in the glorious late day sky I had the sudden and intense urge to want to be out there tomorrow early and run long, long and as hard as I can. My body is feeling dense with all the eating, but I'm not sleeping much. I seem to need the extra food. I seem to need the grounding from food.

Where did my world go? When was it ever predictable? I have ever been the creature of changes, often traumatic or sad. The loss of control is grievous offense; it creates a sense of futility along with wild determination to do whatever I can to maintain course direction. Would I know when to make a change? I am so used to being changed...how do we know when it's our turn to make it happen for ourselves?