Running into My Own Zero Point: New Year's run

It took miles of roads,  beaches and trails, buckets of favorite little secluded spots, lots of lazy evenings, endless lists of chores, cleansing the crap....watching as the detritus of 2012 gave way through the Tsunami of change and cleared the way for a Void which gave birth to some kind of starting point at last....a place of sad surprises and tentative introductions to whoever I am, a part from 'the job'.... it took 11 days to disappear myself.  And like everything else in 2012,  unmet expectations dog me.  My missing S.O., remembrance of Mom... all the pointless, endless speculations of 'how' and 'why'....melting into deep detachment, my 'so what'? to dissociate from disappointments of all kinds.

Zero Point is not a happy place.  And yet it's not that old crutch Depression either.  I am not fighting the tears, and feeling all the pain of separation is a celebration on the flip-side to finally OPEN the way -  I move forward...onward....upward.

It was easy to wake up this morning and slip into the sleeping streets for a New Year's run, busting through the haze of staying up late through (amazing, impressive) neighborhood fireworks,  CNN banter, and the cold absence of my lover, my 'friend'... sliding off an 'us' into the bittersweet anniversary moment where Mom took one last look at me 2 years ago at Holy Cross and herself slid off the face of Life before I even realized it....taking the reason for me being here,  just as he now takes that reason as well-  until the full flower of my Own Life becomes visible....

I felt stiff and tired the first few miles and realized, without my supermarket pit-stops, that today's loop would need to be continuous....when you are a slow runner like me,  setting up a steady gait is the conduit for everything happening in my head, as I found that pace between fatigue and sturdiness which kept me on a beat, to the music, until arms, shoes, hips, feet felt just right as I 'lifted' into the movement and the immense Freedom unfurled like a flag I held tightly to my heart....filled with a love for this loop, on this run, THIS wide morning with its 365 secrets beckoning down the road....

I can't take any more head beating.  The heart will go where it will...As you lifted me this morning I pray,  Beneficent Ones, to Lift us ALL in one Breath of Love,  like a whisper on the wind,  which confirms....everything I feel and everything I AM.