Long Run 11-13-11

The Plan was 14 miles.  It took a while to guestimate that distance, given the GPS on MapMyRun.  I came up with a  warm-up loop up the overpass, to hook back west until John Williams Park (this is 5 miles....), continuing on up the Turnpike overpass to 66th where I took a right to connect with Stirling.  Heading east, I picked up the cut to Griffin and headed east to my Publix stop which was an even 10.

Easterly winds blew into my face, and I walked that mile into Publix, exhausted, numb, and once again daunted by the demands of distance and the time it takes me to traverse it.   A cut down to Angler's and looping back to Park,  and I just made it under 14 as I came (walking) home.  It's still embarrassing to post a time;  and yes I know under race conditions there are no meandering stops at stores, or walking miles...what can take me 2 and 1/2 hours (my race time for a half-marathon) is taking way more this;  so now my concern is, even if I run the marathon, do I really want to be out there 6-7 hours to finish??

So for the first time I felt willing to revisit the whole idea, and what running means to me these days.  If my early running years were about proving myself up the chain of miles and races, just to see if I could do it,  my relationship to running is morphing as I age into something less competitive;  or at least that where it feels it wants to go.  The competitor in me is not letting go of the need to keep comparing myself to other runners who are still achieving big, admirable goals.  My fear is that any reduction in effort or achievement just contributes to my overall declining physicality and fitness, a fear encapsulated in the image of my mother in her wheelchair.  

If I run to avoid an outcome of decrepitude and decline,  is this just hubris of ego?  Will I, and the other, elder, uber-runners all end up the same?  Or is there a magic, an elixir in running which can preserve my strength, endurance, energy through the 'long run' of my life?  Granted, I was proud to pull out a 14 miler,  no matter how much time it took, or how much I walked.  But the inner and outer Me's are still coming to terms with what is and what is Possible....