Hurricane Season '09

The shreds of TS Ana kicked up pockets of big wind and rain squalls this morning, not enough to cancel the run, but just enough to cool off the heat and provide a bit of variety on the loop. The first squall came through as I dipped into the Griffin Publix, and the second wave skirted to my east. Florida is home of big weather. Hurricane Bill, which is gathering itself for major status appears headed to the north Atlantic. I don't know how we're doing it, but so far this year, it is remarkably quiet.

I couldn't get Mom off my mind. Last night I dreamt of a black and white dog I had (since I had many I wasn't sure which one) which I realized was sick or injured. In between the clients and work, my residence (which was different in the dream) I tried to juggle getting this dog out to seek care. If this wasn't a commentary on the situation, I don't know what is. As I sought a good rhythm in my gait I kept thinking about Dad and how much is left in the wake of his departure. I felt heavy with responsibility and asked him please, can you take care of mom? Help her along her way...? She looks at me behind those cloudy eyes while I look back and try to reassure her, take your door, it's there. I try to juggle the many balls in the air to get her care...will I do a good enough job...will she make it peacefully in to her own finish line?

I recognize my own drift in resolve, the part of me that gets fatigued with worry and the endless list of things to do. For the first time in forever I thought, why run? Will I really do this the rest of my life? Or will this, too, fall the way of other pursuits, my so-called avocations, talents and abilities....? I don't want to think there are endings for me, but a pause in the play of my spirit. If sometimes I write, and others make art, or if running is the thread that holds me together, does it really matter which way my soul seeks to express itself? I try not to judge the outcome, but it's difficult when the passage of time challenges us to keep up the momentum of lifetime pursuits. The old artists had it right, always. Nothing gets in their way. The muses will hound them morning and night to channel the spirit of Big Forces making their way in the world. We must heed them, listen, and open up the arms of our creativity in whatever means they choose. We must be ready to go.