Many Firsts and Lead up to Solstice

When a road runner like me comes across a new route,  thrilling anticipation is the result- even if the route has a history.  The new beach loop runs part of the same roads used in the Ft. Lauderdale marathon, and by the local runners club when I was training for all that years ago.   Oakland Park was also once my 'cut-through',  driving from Hollywood up to see my parents in the old days...hitting the Whole Foods on Federal.  So having some history here, even while newly arrived, gives me a context for many firsts.

How many?  How long have I ruminated over having my own private practice space:  and finally! My first Saturday clients, listening as they bask in the big easy chair in the back office...the sunlight through the windows, the quiet green of the backyard buffering us from the world.  First drives down to work, forays to neighborhood breakfast places, pizza places, stores of all kinds...first nights and mornings without worrying what nonsense is going on upstairs, or down the catwalks...first evenings sitting out in the yard, writing, drawing or just putzing around.   First visitors.   First storms! 

Crafting new routines is my way of coping with change, and a good strategy overall.  For many folks, leaving ourselves open to the impact of change can cause stress and anxiety.  So after those first few weeks,  I began to find my new rhythm;  waking up early to a niche of sunrise slanting through my window.... running at least several days during the week after work,  finding new loops - and new serenity- through the gorgeous SE neighborhoods.  Scoping out new plantings, artwork, spaces for creating, resting, hanging out...feeling an up-swell of satisfaction and gratitude that all my planning and hard work has brought me here,  my little slice of heaven. 

If you live in my area and feel inspired,  come join me for Summer Solstice on Saturday June 21st. (4-7pm)  We'll hold a circle around my fire-pit and celebrate the Longest Day, the fullness of growth, the gift of Light.

We plant ourselves into the world.  As our roots anchor us,  our branches reach out to find nourishment and communicate with the living atmosphere.  Even a 'transplant' can grow successfully when planted with care...So bring plants or seeds for exchange and a vegetarian dish if you'd like to hang around and share a meal.  Message me for address.  And allow yourself to get into YOUR right mind!

A Birth Story

In 1980,  I lived in an old farmhouse in rural Virginia where I gave birth to my one and only child,  a home birth with a midwife.  The legend of that night contained many strange occurrences:  it was mid-summer and unusually cold.  I had a craving for steak prior to labor.   At 8 centimeters I seemed to get 'stuck' and entered what I can only say was a kind of true transitional zone where I distinctly remember standing by and looking out the bedroom window and feeling like the world was collapsing. 

Pushing through those last centimeters and birth was no doubt the most intense experience of my life.  I often think of it as a primary life metaphor;  feeling the fear of passage, while coming to know that I am stronger and more resilient than I could ever imagine.  Despite it's many sad lessons such as post-partum depression, and the implications for my then husband and son,  the seed of that knowing served me in subsequent challenges, always in a similar way.  It's when I close in on the goal that I tend to collapse.

I found this out in my first marathon,  trying to cross the 18, then 20 mile threshold, when my body felt like giving out.  I remembered it at my last one in DC,  when I was sure I would never make it to the phalanx of marines at the finish line.  In graduate school,  I was a few months shy of completing when my emotional state crumbled.  And in my career,  I point to many a moment when prior to a breakthrough I felt the end was near.

I am going through such a passage now,  before the move.  I have deliberately kept it stirring in my inner cauldron,  watching what has surfaced,  which fears and anxieties belong to me and which ones I inherited from my mother.  Never underestimate the power of ancestral beliefs and emotional patterns to influence us in the present-  it doesn't matter if your loved ones are in this world or not.  The beliefs operate in you like unconscious scripts.  So in this manner I am finding my fear of pressures, chaos, bailing out, in short- disastrous failure and not reaching my goal, poking holes in my otherwise enthusiastic anticipation of what this move is all about.

This is a dark place.  But I am not in fear this time.  I have those memories of finish lines crossed,  degrees hard-earned,  career moving forward and the many client success stories to tell me, my path is working.  I have my son, daughter-in-law and granddaughter all well and wonderful.  I am a healthy elder, ready to embark on the next leg of my journey,  and what I am birthing will be AWESOME!

It's important that we embrace the hard parts of our path,  and understand that EVERYTHING coming up in us is our teaching and guide.  Our wise minds understand how fearful we can become and push us closer into that fire, because the Beneficent Ones wait for us deep in that cauldron of change.  When we can encourage our Selves, like any good Midwife,  by facilitating the Process,  we will move through.  Will we also learn the lessons, and recognize what we needed to leave behind?

I leave my fear of not belonging;  I leave my fear of ending up like my mother,  stuck in a life plan with a life partner that kept her in emotional bondage and sapped her physical strength, of the 'inevitability' of all genetic tendencies to map who and what I am.  I claim the benefits of my dedication to my 'work'- and as I come to crowning I anticipate what is coming as a Beacon,  an Oasis, a Magic Garden where ideas of Beauty and Belonging will grow. 

Sunday Long Run: Checking in with La Mer

I forgot the temps dropped overnight:  by the time I saw morning light,  we were in the 60's, but a clear sky allowed the sun to brighten and warm the air through a chilly breeze.  I drove and staged just east at the new Publix, so I could pick up a few things after,  and ran down Sheridan to pick up the the road to Dania Beach blvd and the long lazy stretch to the beach.  It was just cool enough - but not too chilly for me,  as I tried to get a gait going,  still stiff from Saturday's nice Griffin loop. 

Traffic was light,  and my half-asleep head meandered around the landscape,  the hedgerows along the waterway,  a 'dragon-boat 'with crew heading south as the light sparkled off the intercoastal,  making a pit-stop at Dania Beach before picking it up again down Surf Road.
I'm having nostalgia attacks on these runs-  how many more times on THIS route,  seeing THESE little landmarks I have come to know and cherish all these years living here?  I'm sacrificing many little treasures, as we all must when we move- or change....we all lay down what has become so familiar,  knowing we are picking up new, hidden treasures which wait for us in our new 'place' - whether a home or in our awareness and understanding.

So beneath the nostalgia of losses was excitement, anticipation...the road is leading me....to what?  I have an idea- but there are many new runs in front of me - still to the beach- following meandering side streets -except it won't be my cherished Griffin loop or Dania Beach runs any more. 

There was a charity walk at North Park.  Despite the people traffic, I had an amazing rhythm going as I headed into my last pit-stop and took in the ocean....

watching the quiet colors of morning bleed into air and water while the palms swung in the breeze.   Hollywood gave me my career, my home and a place to help my parents exit this world.  I've packed and sorted the million little items of my life into their boxes and wait now to land in the next place....I inhabit this transitional zone like the beach itself, eroding my old dreams,  disappointments and losses into the wide mouth of the crashing surf, taking it all away to churn up again - with new dreams and ambitions- some place else. 

As I headed back west to the car,  I had more energy and speed than I've felt for some months!  Was I catalyzed by the changes?  Did my feet know more than my head,  pointing themselves with confidence ever forward?  Leaving things,  no matter how hard, will always comes with sadness.  But what I've gained has served me well:  after all,  it was here I became a runner! 

Thank You, Boston- Thank You Mother Earth

 The elite women start first, after the intrepid wheelchair racers.  I couldn't believe my luck:  I found the marathon live-streaming, and as I worked at my desk,  I had the marathon LIVE in real-time, on the tiny screen of my phone, in front of me.

Shalane Flanagan looked great;  she set a fast pace for the women.  But somehow after the mid-way mark, I lost track of her during the business of the unit, and when I got back to it,  Jeptoo,  last year's winner, was out ahead.  Jeptoo with that crazy running style, arms that seem to fly around her,  legs that eat the distance in a record pace....when she crossed the finish I could feel her joy and relief;  2 back to back wins!

Meanwhile,  my man Meb, soon to turn 39 and old for a marathoner, stayed true to his mission:  start strong and stay in the lead...which he did mile after amazing mile....not only that but at one point putting more than a minute between him and everyone else trying to catch him, including Ryan Hall.
Meb was a study in grace and beauty;  straight up,  relaxed,  seeming to glide off the pavement, the hills, whatever the course offered.  Meb had been close to wins before.  Clearly,  despite the attempts of the 2nd man closing in on him,  he was going to cross that line in front.  I cheered, I shared;  I'm sure my staff thought I was a little nuts.  For an hour or so I forgot about work and desks and clients.  I was a runner celebrating big wins!!

When I ran on Sunday, I took the big Griffin loop and forgot the stores would be closed for Easter.  So I ran it all in one long lazy stretch, reveling in the beautiful cool temps and quiet streets,  feeling tired but full of hope and anticipation for the Boston runners.  When you are a turtle,  a wanna-be, and all your heroes are great athletes,  you must not compare yourself too much.  Watching elite runners fulfill my own fantasies of flight on foot was enough.  I was filled with my own joyous passion! 

Tonight,  after work,  I made sure to honor Mother Earth day with a beautiful little out and back,  basking in the strong sun contrasting with just a hint of coolness to the air, as we sink into the evening hours.  Everything is in motion.  It's enough to keep pace with whatever life asks of us,  on our slow days or at the height of our racing powers, with full steam ahead!  For once I can just enjoy the journey to wherever I happen to be going.

With Her.  Our Mother, Gaia. 

Mile by Mile, the Road Rolls On

The eve of Pesach,  the lunar eclipse and the anniversary of the Boston marathon bombing brought a strange significance to the skies.  Lately it seems as if pearly luminescence is dripping through the filaments of clouds in creative chaos.  It seemed a miracle that despite the stormy weather hovering around, there would be clear skies for eclipse viewing

So my night began early and was punctuated by a distinct dimming in moonlight through the back windows, telling me it was time.  Stiff legged from my 3 day running stretch, I stumbled around for my clothes even though I'd set them out....grabbed the phone/camera and started on the back porch- another miracle, for there was the moon,  perched right in my eye-line, hung like a pearl with the diamond stars glittering around.  And best of all, in the background I could hear the hoot hoot of the little burrowing owl, who apparently roosts at night in the tree, singing. 

When I realized the eclipse was in full swing,  I took off downstairs and planted myself in the middle of the common area,  the owl in her tree just to my right, the moon straight above, showing its rusty red as it continued to dim lower.

I was surrounded by apartment buildings and security lights, and everywhere I felt the press of people unaware of it all.  If I looked only up,  it was easy to imagine my proximity to all this heavenly beauty,  up close, swinging with the stars between the forces of planetary impulses, and the leveling plane of solar opposition:  enough to drown out the whole moon.

It was the color of menstrual blood, a rich rusty red.  The rush of primal understanding was below words.  And I liked it that way.  I haven't written here very consistently lately.  The move is underway!! and as so much continues to reveal and situate itself,  my ability to take it mile by mile is paying off big time.  I stood in the yard last night and felt a sweet nostalgia for the length of time it has taken us to get here;  this strange Cosmic pivot point, turning point,  while feeling that very soon,  whatever is about to take place is more wondrous than anything we could imagine.

Suddenly I am ok not trying to find the words.  Sometimes its ok to just go with the flow, and take it mile by mile- tonight I ran through the storms,  but another day its clear skies all the way.  the Road Rolls on.

New Moon in Aries: Running with Passion

The week began with signs and wonders,  while celestial forces keep shifting and rebalancing Spring into a kaleidoscope of beauty....sudden rainstorms and amazing rainbows....

clouds climbing high into the skies, captured on a few week-day runs,  amazing because despite some high winds (and therefore wind resistance on the roads),  I felt strong and capable this week.  The sheer energy and excitement of rolling up March into Aries, my birth month, with the advent of so much change upon me,  was unstoppable.  Nothing in my mind (beliefs about limitations) or heart (weariness of the struggle) could dampen that.

It seemed the skies themselves kept showing me that nothing remains permanent except our attachments...watch long enough and the atmosphere changes- always- and what looks like solid cloud cover,  stormy weather,  brick walls of all sorts will morph....opening up our Vision into something deeper than before (if we let it).

So waking up Sunday to overcast skies did not dampen my enthusiasm.  I put on my gear and began a nice long Griffin loop completely oblivious to my body,  which put itself into a slow rhythm as I rounded off the overpass and headed up 29th.  Ravenswood-  still felt my head 'somewhere else' as the stiff winds blew around me down the quiet streets....and again,  so consistent was my rhythm,  I did not stop after Publix, but kept right on going,  one foot in front of the other until home.  I realize now what a gift all this is:  with my body in sync I can put all my enthusiasm into the move and the manifestation of the next 'Ricci place'....the house/garden/office/studio which will support my creative, professional and personal dreams.  Like every run,  patience and trust is essential.  Over 10 years now in the condo- and running- and slowly building my resources to become stable and strong.  Dreams sometimes percolate long times...and ask of us to find our Hope,  to sustain us while the Universe conspires in our best interest.  If we Trust the Process,  we may find ourselves rounding out from a particularly long effort finding just what we wanted all along:  the chance to unfurl ourselves like a flag and fly our colors, be our true Selves,  be at Home within. 

Spring Equinox Portal: Benevolence and Hope

She woke me from a long night of dreaming,  then veiled my memories of it all,  while whispering in my ear, "it's dawn,  let's go run! You can do it, you're rested!"  And even though I had 'planned' a bit of a sleep-in before running,  as much to catch the sun as anything else,  I couldn't ramp down my own excitement.  Every time is still like an expedition from childhood:  I'm about to go out into the world, on my own feet, and explore.  The skies looked overcast,  weather said clearing.  I took one over-shirt for an early chill,  and headed out the door.

She gives me constant encouragement.  Lately, the sound of my nay-sayer is beginning to feel ridiculous;  a repository of ancient fears and beliefs that keep rising through the surface of my thoughts like noxious vapors;  wrinkling my nose against their assault on my person,  my capabilities, my dreams.

I adjusted my Flows,  and threw up some leg stretches on the steps on my way towards the road.  I don't know where this energy is coming from,  but She nudges me, "look up"

to see the half-hidden pearl of a moon and a sudden knowing, "there is always so much more....to see...to be...."   Taking off for a run always holds anticipation and questions:  I ran last at the beach for Equinox;  I've been working on leg exercises, however.  How will I do? 
Yesterday I listened to Lewis Wolpert, an English cell scientist in his late 80's talk about aging.   How many examples of artists, writers, musicians, scientists live and work all their lives?  Compelled by desire and mission and beauty....coming to each day like I did today,  with Her voice in their ear saying "wake up!  Creation awaits!"

I did my warm-up walking past the sleepy park and catching just a sliver of rising sun off the canal, as I rounded off the overpass into Emerald Hills.  There has been a lot of magic to this place;  will I find my next "great running neighborhood" as nice as this has been?  Living humbly on the fringe of a better neighborhood has been a boon, for sure!  Week in and week out I have watched the landscape of many beautiful houses,  passed the lovely parks, woven through back alleys and around the waterways of North Hollywood. 

And fallen in love with skies.   Sometimes I wonder if its a way to connect with Michael,  who gets his clouds up close and personal in the glider. 

And whether skies are another metaphor for a Great Reaching into something far away from my daily concerns.

The streets were quiet,  a few runners and walkers filtering through the same side streets while I crossed Stirling to catch 40th north praying all the stray dogs were asleep....keeping an eye on my feet on the uneven sidewalks...surprising myself with a nice steady gait thus far,  adjusting my breathe and coming up to Griffin...

 There is an empty lot at that corner.  Suddenly the whole sky opened like a Great Fan over me,  like Wings, or the soft veils of Heaven following hidden channels of light from the sun to cover the landscape with the peace of Sunday.  I start up the Griffin stretch with light traffic on the road, heading east into the sun. 

I'm not one prone to 'joy' in the traditional sense.  More the contemplater;  the 'bridge' of things, not necessarily embroiled in things themselves.  Once more, however, as another part of this Equinox portal,  joy has come to me and for no real reason.  And so I found myself heading past my 35th St. cut-down towards my Publix pit-stop feeling light on my feet, with every past race and run in my vocabulary,  infusing this run with strength, knowledge and confidence.  I wasn't a runner until 10 years ago.  I couldn't run down the block.  Now I was halfway into a sold 10-12 miler, feeling fine,  absorbing the gorgeous air skimming my bare arms with bliss in my soul.

Dr. Wolpert said he still jogs, stating something like 'I'm very slow and you walking could pass me, but I do it anyway"- so true! Seeing myself somewhere out there, a little old gal moving slow but sure down some beautiful road.  Winding down, I broke into a walk for a nice cool-down past the park,  the trees glowing in bright spring green in the morning light.

She is throwing me a parade and patting me on the back,  thrilled for my triumph - I have made it back from my great expedition!  Inside all of us is a Great Nay-Sayer and a Benevolent Guide, a Coach, our highest self.  Each of them embodies the disillusionment of innocence lost in this hard world,  or Eternal Hope,  the certainty of growth, change and moving forward, guided either by our Consciousness Awareness or self-sabotaging slumber.  If we choose to stay asleep we become the expression of our worst cynicism.  It is all too much, not enough,  and someone else's fault. 

Luckily for us,  Great Mother has it all in hand.  ALWAYS looking out for us,  She is busy now,  planting Her spring seeds, making sure there is a proper ground for germination.  There is a Big Harvest ahead!  We have incubated these dreams for a very long time.  She knows the hardships of waiting, or harsh winters,  feels the scars on Her belly from the destructive hand of humankind disengagement.  Singing to us now,  waking us from winter while absorbing, assimilating and ultimately throwing off what will not bear fruit,  She is ruthless in her truth, in Life and Death balance.  Just as aging brings us face to face with our self-management, the scope of our optimism or discord,  and asks us to what lengths we will go to maintain our right relationship with our lives.

I say let's go for Hope.  There is no number or limit to that.  You don't even need to believe.  Just look up and see what the skies are telling you.  Somewhere in all that moving kaleidoscope of color and light is a mirror, a benevolent reflection of you....a part of you saying, "YOU are amazing, beautiful, strong, limitless.  Well done! keep it moving! There is more to create, to see... and be. Do what brings you joy, and be the beautiful being you are. "