Yes, I DID!

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Running since the marathon has been increasingly tough. Trying to balance sudden increase in workload with the push for the exam, together with the need to recover left me with a case of high anxiety I haven't had for a while. The day before the exam, while the temps rose to record highs along with the humidity, my computer grinding to a halt during final simulation, and insidious aches and pains drilled through my body, my head, I plummeted into uncharacteristic despair. What if? What if I don't pass, don't heal and don't make it out of BC intact? What are the alternatives, where will I put my energy to train, work, invest in the future?

As always, its high-level problems, which I realize even as it feels like my head is exploding and my patience running out of my ears. Friday, I get lost. I pass every landmark as if I can't see what's in front of me, and all the while I think: I must FOCUS on CLINICAL material! I must FIND the RIGHT ANSWERS....I must settle this anxiety. Like any race, it's the last few miles that become imbued with the mission of nothing but completion. After the Team saw me for the last time in Crystal City, at around mile 23, I remember thinking "piece of cake"...just get to the line, this is an easy 5K left. What happened as I dragged through the last few miles was the same as yesterday; the tension, pain, pressure, the unreality of time, the sudden associations and thoughts with gauntlets and doors past when I needed to muster it up and walk through.

I am nothing if not brave. I may panic along the way, but I'll get there. The drama which is my nervous system always seems to forget: we have done this before. So while the exam unfolds, I realize I am apparently getting those diagnoses. And the simulations are flying by. And the moment comes 6 years after I began as the proctor excuses himself for but a moment to retrieve my score print-out. He doesn't give it away, but points to the single word "PASS"...and everything else, the scores - like a finish time - is just gravy.

I beat myself up for finishing slow at MCM. And now, I wonder what life with a license could have been about 20 years ago. But hey! the currents of curiosity, creativity and compassion somehow merged, somewhere on the riverbank of the Shenandoah, many years ago. The ageless sprite that was our beloved teacher, Mello Rye, gave me a mandate and a promise to abide by the truth of myself to set others free, and to join along in the journey of our yellow brick road. Somewhere, in our togetherness, I managed to find a way. With Her. And Them, and yes, IT IS SO!!!