Where is my Chi?

There are places in my body hurting which never bothered me before. I roll over in bed like an old woman. I tried to run the Griffin loop today and ended up walking most of the last few miles. It felt as if loose parts had fused around my lower back, legs; can my heart be this heavy inside me?

I figured running at all was probably heroic. When I walked I tried to let things loosen up, and found it strangely unnerving, as if walking was not my normal form of motion. My body kept wanting to speed up, but anytime I did, my feet felt stuck in quicksand. This is not marathon training. This is salvage running- doing anything to salvage a bit of mileage out of a workout. Sad times, sad little run.

The anger and rage that has nowhere to go is depleting what little energy reserves I might have had. I am not, on some level, reconciled to events. I cannot bail on anything. And yet so many are bailing out on me. The concept of injustice in life is high-order adjustment issues. We must be willing to accept that 'life is not fair' to be able to take our lot on. I tried thinking about the girls held in N. Korea. About Tibetans and Tienanmen square protesters...any one fighting for their lives and freedom who did not choose their lot. Where do we find courage when we feel all alone?

I imagined, as I tried to fall asleep last night, that I crawled into Great Mother's lap. Her huge arms were open wide to receive me. She was waiting for me. I wasn't sure I would manage to climb up into her landscape of a lap- or once there, if I'd ever find my way out. But the thought that the Universe was somehow there to receive me was comforting. Sometimes, beyond a single person, the heart resides in the Force of Life itself. It is strangely easier to tap this than to find the resonance in person. I know you are there. Somewhere. Please, let me know I am loved.