Back on the Road

It was unusually humid and warm, anticipating the front which has wrecked havoc further north, and promises to bring an end to our unseasonably warm temps by tonight.   I took the Launch replacements out for their maiden run.   Once again, I realize how many miles I put into a pair of shoes;  with every new pair, my feet say "thank-you...!" and I get a reprieve from the aches and pains of the old ones.

My mind was free to wander where it needed to go;  there is the work upheavals, as we move to our new offices on Sunrise.  The chronic pressures of clients and focus on the many crises of others.  Hanukkah arriving, and the disconnect from the usual family;  sitting with Mom on Sunday chit-chatting about the Jewish decorations, this after she comes out of "church" services, and our mutual eye-rolling over prayers to JC. 

Dementia is an interesting thing.  In her timetable, there is no difference between the living and dead.  Our weekly check-in on this subject surprises her every time with the litany of who's gone before her (she is the last...).   Seeing her fleeting shock and her head shaking trying to piece it together, wondering why she cannot ultimately free herself from her imprisonment in this mind and body. 

Most of the time when I run I think about the contrast between my mom and I, and how much she used to comment on my way of being;  where she was the passive, the accepting one, I was the aggressor- I had no problem setting out for what I wanted to do- my issues came with the situations that then befell me.   Nevertheless, very little got in my way.  When I run, I recognize the same amazing single-mindedness.  No matter how tired,  discouraged or old I may feel I know it is only my 'opinion' and subject to change.  Therefore, running is how I 'change' the mental landscape.  By allowing myself proof positive that I CAN indeed run, and usually further than I think I can, I automatically use this tactic with whatever else I feel stuck on;  what can I revamp in my thinking?

Obviously I take a page out of the meditator's handbook;  the gift of meditation is in cultivating the awareness of thoughts and the space between where thoughts are formulated - or dismantled.  The use of running as a meditation technique is not unique to me:  there are many others who use moving practices like yoga, martial arts to achieve the same results.  Some are sitters.  Some are movers.  By dissociating THROUGH the body, I allow my mind to 'take off'....now I gain some perspective, and in the mix a nice endorphin/dopamine hit.

I feel like I take my mother with me into the world, she who seems content now, to never move from that hallway, that room, bed.  One day, she will take her own lead, and drift out of my life...and I know I will be so happy that we've had all these heartfelt connections, lasting us forever.

Happy Hanukkah-  kiss your loved ones, light the Lights....remember Freedom.