Void

Depression steals the will to express.  It's been a long time since I wrote on the blog,  and it finally hit me,  as I lay in bed this week with a stomach bug,  that the Thief was at it, again.  If you are a depression sufferer, especially of the 'seasonal' variety, meaning, made worse by the negative anticipation of holidays,  please,  pay attention to what I am about to share.

A Mental health professional who suffers a mental health issue is not uncommon.  Many folks are very vocal- they write books about their experiences.  I use my history in therapeutic doses,  primarily to 'normalize' what clients think is "going crazy", by suggesting how common feelings of existential despair can be, no matter what side of the 'couch' you're on.  And here on the blog,  I have used my experience with running as a kind of metaphor for the efforts I've undergone to learn to manage a life-long,  often debilitating condition.

Forward on to the new house, and the onslaught of changes in my routine.  New work schedule (9-5ish),  new house responsibilities,  new dog  (yes we all love Kenny!), and new 'roommate'.  OK he's an old roommate, but he's here again,  and the stress of dealing with someone who isn't willing to understand and use some basic skills to deal with this is exasperating at best,  devastating at worst.  Running began to suffer with the demands of a puppy's schedule, and I hung on for dear life to my weekend runs, especially Sundays, as the one day I could confirm to myself that yes,  I am STILL a runner!

And then this week: the equinox/eclipse portal and a stomach bug which brought me completely down and out of work.  Time to ...not exactly think....but percolate the material that has been swirling around the surface of my life, into my interior.  The Shamanic Descent does not ask for permission,  it just happens.  The imperative of our life to stop the superficial merry-go-round of daily scripts to dig into the depths of what we feel, 'know' or need to know is often triggered by crisis, as few of us go there willingly.  After all,  what is revealed is difficult- we have hidden it from ourselves for a reason.  We needed to remove all the needless distraction to find out that 'something is wrong'- some thing is asking for our attention and we would not give it, we were too afraid of what we would come to know about ourselves.

And so in the Void of this gateway,  with my usual defenses removed,  I find myself falling freely into the maelstrom of my anger, betrayal, resentments, fears...my ambitions, jealousies,  loneliness, unmet dreams.  Not just directed towards any source, but global.  For the World has decided Her time has come.  The tipping point that brings us to a brink- a birth?- is felt in these shock-waves of heavy emotions,  channeled through as as if all of human history is letting out its collective scream.  We betrayed ourselves and we dive deep to find ourselves again. 

It takes a Void to make it happen.  I embrace the knowledge of my Self waiting to be found.