New Year's Resolution: Balance in 2014

I am living vicariously through the uber-runners out there doing marathons and other extraordinary feats to close out the year.  Yesterday,  my westerly loop was just enough of a challenge to 'feel it'...today I opted out of running to give my body a last rest- sans work and all other obligations, to truly reflect:  not so much on where I've been, but where I'm going.

It seems as if I was stuck on some kind of perpetual loop in 2013.  Out on the roads,  I found myself taking the same turns,  feeling the same fatigue,  the work routines,  predictable politics and frustrations,  even the same tired relationship stories...endless obsessive and narrow pursuits.
Something in me knew it was a limited trap, after all it was MY trap.  I made this strange confluence of pathways.  I stuck with the same box of colors, and kept wondering where all the twinkling sparkle was at....It was time to look outside that box, stop looping around the same familiar tracks.  Some roads are no longer meant to be followed.

I've learned that my relationship with Mother Earth is the whole reason I persist.  Just as She supports us all,  it's way past time for all of us to support Her.  Divine and ET interventions aside,  if we don't get our collective shit together, then we/humanity can kiss it all goodbye and try somewhere else, if such chances are given to those who seduce-to-destroy with careless and reckless abandon.   I've never felt how sheer existence balances on the head of a pin, and one's tipping point,  towards destruction or creation, can look so much like the same thing.  I'd like to imagine Gaia knows how it turns out and is reassuring us to keep making resolutions and dreams,  to keep following good roads into the future.

If you are, like me,  someone who can easily get lost,  then some of those familiar roads may offer the safety net you need to just keep moving forward.  But ask yourself anytime you are persuaded from your purpose:  what kind of experience am I after?  And what kind of earth will support that?  I want back the land, the housing, gardens, studio of my prior life.  But I want it in a new form, in the New Earth.  And I want a New Me to live there.

Winter Solstice: We Welcome the Abundance of Hope

I woke before dawn, and when I made it over to Dania beach the first morning colors were just coming up over the ocean.  High winds were whipping the waves, but the air was clear and filled with the briny smells of everything washing up through the salty surf.  I took a gentle jog down the beach,  passing little knots of other folks huddling here and there- not as many as last year for the 2012, but clearly out like me to see the Solstice sunrise. 

By the time the goddess team arrived I'd began making the mandala, using the logical and abundant material- seaweed- and happy to join in the spontaneous dancing, drumming and meandering about that only a 3 year old brings! 

I made an inner circle around the 4 directions: I wanted something to symbolize the microcosm of our physical beings IN the world surrounded by the macrocosm of all that supports us OF the world, placed as we are in the BiGGER circles of the planets, sun and all life. 

So while goddess-in-training Naomi tries out Celeste's singing bowl,  and the candle, sage and various artifacts placed in the center,  we also state our hopes and prayers to place into the circle....

...as the sun rises.....

...and we end our little ceremony by closing the mandala/circle and leaving it for the beach to absorb.

Celeste and I both remarked on the contrast from last year to this:  from the dark pressures of the 2012 culmination point, through a challenging year,  to the lightness and joy this year!  Naomi said the sun was "happy"...and I agree....all up and down the beach,  the seagulls seemed excited and free,  the sun was bright and the water was full of diamonds glittering on the waves....

Sunday I took myself out on the Big Griffin loop and into the gorgeous day,  my heart full of those sparkling edges coming off the soles of my feet as I found a gait and ran more distance than I've done in a while...I was eager to see everything and feel the world come to me in the costume of 'ever-green' and verdant south Florida.  The knowing that my body was still capable of performing such a seemingly simple function- to run- filled me with gratitude and joy.  There is nothing like unfettered movement, out in beautiful Mother Nature,  to heal whatever hurts my heart.

I feel ready for my vacay break,  time to work on- and spend with- my space, and get ready for the unfolding of 'next chapters'...some known and some, I trust,  mysteries.  It used to be 'trepidation' when I thought about those future challenges. Now it's the raw enthusiasm an Aries gal like me can muster from that deep expeditionary impulse:  to go, to know, to see,  to feel myself Free to keep becoming what I am meant to be. 

Closing in on the Longest Night; its all Lightward from Here

I'm guessing it's been about a month from my side injury and physical setbacks which kept the miles low.  Winter is happening elsewhere, and I missed plenty of gorgeous, warm days not on the roads.  A significant depressive episode during Thanksgiving caught me off guard, and it would seem I was scheduled to meet up with my Shadow for a last go-round before the year wrapped itself up. 

Sudden changes can bring as much stress as laying fallow.  So this curious mixture of forces deep at work,  micro and macro, while my running regressed was frustrating.  Just when it seemed I needed those miles most,  my body ramped down into beginner's mode....a slow jog when I could,  plenty of walking/breaks, more off days than on....the only thing I was disciplined to increase was my yoga. 

I learned significant lessons from this Shadow encounter.  How vulnerable I can be.  How much that innocent wanderer I was as a young child holds onto running as a last bastion where I can move freely in the world.  The toll work and people can take on me.  The stress I put on myself.  Baggage and agreements long held amended.  The fear and anger I held against that girl for not 'knowing any better' (youngest child syndrome...in the perpetual dark about what's going on with all the older people around you...) and all the jams I've been in since.....began to evaporate.  I connect with that little wanderer who knew every back path in the neighborhood, and began my lifelong love of long treks (now runs) and 'getting lost' in Nature.

My mom's death anniversary comes up New year's eve too...so added to this the yearly remembrance of Motherhood themes of bonding and losses which permeate my life....and the stability I found in a conscious connection with Great Mother as a resonance to the Life force I always felt in and around Nature and my own pure spiritual being. 

The shamanic descent of humanity this time of year is amplified by Cosmic forces too numerous to mention.  While the plans and palette of Universal architects renovate our foundations,  we wander through the sparkle of photons pinging like tiny receptors towards our next world.   Mother Nature is coming on fierce these days,  after all there is much to do in this rehab project....but She's been shining bright out my window and giving us tropical splendor, a reminder that not all change is hard.   And back on my lovely Griffin loop this morning,  slogging my way through the last few miles,  I finally remembered to get out of my head and really LOOK at the skies, the flowering landscape, all the beauty around me.

The blackest black has a beauty.  And the boundless imprint of Light lifting our souls into its right  Loving place is beautiful.  But what I love most is all that stuff in-between.  Today I learned my every step has a beauty, no matter where I think I am 'in the process'.    May we all learn how beautiful our vulnerability is this year.  And how strong we can become. 

Slow Run: Moving is still movement

I have a saying about myself:  I am a high energy person in a low energy body.  Meaning,  all my life I have had enormous mental and spiritual energies...which often translated into wild and unpredictable emotional energy.....and generally leaves my body lagging behind in an attempt to keep up!  Running became my Grounding practice.  Good run or bad,  nice weather or not,  keeping a routine of getting out there consistently to move my body has helped me re-introduce myself to my body in a new way.   Where I used to think of bodies as "necessary", something to endure, put up with,  micro-manage (ok I still do that),  I began to feel it was my vehicle towards total integration.   Movement, meditation, free thinking...often crying or otherwise weird emotional expressions!....Running was truly the thing that put it all together.

So as I navigate the health system to determine what, if anything, is going on with said body,  I've ramped down the miles.   Yesterday,  my typical long run day,  I simply put my shoes on and headed out past the park with no expectations...walking, walking, finally finding a very slow- but steady- jog pace that I kept up meandering through Emerald Hills,  up towards Griffin,  and turning for the cut-down back to Park.  Maybe 5-6 miles?  And often feeling like I just couldn't quite hit that next gear- breaking to walk the last mile or so.  I felt a little lost and frustrated.  I wondered what was wrong and how to fix it.  I wanted back my Long Run Bliss....and kept that thread of thinking up until the orange bougainvillea practically grabbed me as I passed by:

 The light was streaming through the intense orange....and I 'felt' Mello (her color) reach over and grab me, saying something like "Rainbow Warrior,  wake up!! What gives?! Turn this thing around!  Change is in the air!!"  (Mello was never known for 'soft and warm'...more like spiritual drill sergeant!)

So I stopped right there.  I looked closer,  took pix...admired the light,  the array of spider webs, the intense color...I 'felt' her pressing upon me, connecting with me,  standing with me.  I felt supported by my Sun Temple brothers and sisters and dismissed the tapes of "not enough" as in "not good enough" and decided right then to stop punishing myself for perceived flaws and failures.   The body does what it needs to do,  and high time I support it whole-heartedly and take GOOD CARE of ME.

Thanksgiving is a time for looking at all that tumbles out of the vast Cornucopia of Life.  The generosity of living comes with its share of triumphs and challenges.  I will write more towards week's end about all the ways in which this year,  the holidays move us to turn ever deeper into our spiritual nature and reap the Bounty of Understanding...not just for everyone else in our lives,  but for our Selves as well!! 

Super Portal/Full Moon Run

It's a treat, being a long-distance runner, out in the world by yourself with not a soul to make you bad-tempered or tell you what to do.

Alan Sillitoe, The Loneliness of the Long-Distance Runner

Mother Nature ramps up Her housecleaning project,  shaking out the cobwebs from Spider Woman's unused webs which vibrates the energy grids from end to end,  creating waves of weather and deep earth changes.  Throw in the intense pull from Super Portal/full moon and yes, Ison (Isis?!) and others,  and for me it felt almost as if I had 'slipped' off one timeline and found myself in another....more surreal than real.

Many folks find themselves in their religious or spiritual circles these days, whether praying for the lost, the stricken, for their own troubles and challenges or grounding the Light for global transformation- and that was me, once, back in Virginia.  Here in Florida,  while building the externals of career and early Crone-hood,  it seemed I was asked to 'go within'...and establish the certainty of my heart's own vibe and direction.  A necessity, it seems, for a therapist to remain balanced, healthy and available for clients who come to me for help. 

I learned to turn loneliness on its head and develop the beautiful peace that comes with solitude...to cultivate the silence and appreciate the down-time as rest and rejuvenation time.  I take each run as a mystical break from the 'every day' and plunge myself into what friend Stuart calls "liminal tme" which usually refers to the dream-state, but I know is another layer of my life,  peeking into the corners of the day.  Recovering from my self-imposed yoga injury, whatever it was/is (rib? muscle?),  I headed out yesterday and automatically climbed the overpass turning for 29th and my Griffin loop.  Like any old horse on the trails,  familiarity breeds comfort.  I didn't want to think about where I was going.  I wanted to focus on how my body felt along the way.

The pull under my ribcage made it feel as if I was hitching constantly to the left.  I focused on breathing (hadn't been able to breathe really deep....) and syncing my steps into a rhythm that wouldn't aggravate, but support the breath.   After ramping down all my efforts last week it was a glorious feeling to have any 'umph' in my gait.  And it showed me that laying the base- all these many months of weekly miles- the strong foundation in whatever we do - has a 'pay-off' - whether we see it immediately or not- for all the efforts that come. 

As if to make the point further,  my small collection of orchids inherited from my father have gone into overdrive this year!  The purple blossom above is a new bloom- in the 5 years this orchid has been with me,  I have never seen it bloom!  Granted my plants seem to love the high solar energies etc....everything in my humble abode is growing!!  But I take this as a particular sign:  "as above so below" knowing that what I experience on one level reverberates throughout my life.    Dad seems to want me to know....to GROW....and to take this Portal, like any other,  with a sense of curiosity, adventure and confidence.   Nothing 'grows'/lives by itself.  We are all interconnected.  So where's the loneliness now?  All Life has come to your aid, to grow you into your Path.  What catches your eye, your heart, yur focus?  Follow the lead of YOUR heart's song and watch life blossom as you move forward!

World Run Day 2013

Jim, on the left, may remember the exact year:  I have not run an official "World Run Day" since then.  It was shortly after this that Tom,  the big guy in the middle,  died of an alcohol-induced OD after some years clean.  Still hard to grasp:  and I miss him as much as ever.

It's hard to regroup after set-backs.  I pulled something (or bruised or cracked something?) under and in my rib cage doing 'relaxation' yoga (haha) Friday.  I ran a simple out and back Saturday,  not TOO bad,  then Sunday to pay homage to World Run Day,  got back up on the Griffin loop.  It was very uncomfortable,  and worse,  I can't take a full deep breath.  Today I had to give it up and give in:  sometimes a body just needs to stop and rest.  

...and take heed of the Big Picture.....

So I'm back to basics.  Plants-putzing out on the back porch as they bloom out in the short arc of the southern sun, especially Dad's orchids.  Absorbing news of the world while running the 'alternate program' of cozy and comforting home,  putting all my remedies to work:  ginger and turmeric,  quercitin,  aloe....cold-pack- having to 'sit on my hands' so as not to try more stretching, etc. and just ....let.... it ....be....

I always have such high hopes for running.  Like everything else in life,  I dream big:  convinced that like my other running buddies I will hit these big benchmarks and push myself into another race this winter, (at least a half, geez!)....and uneasy when I have to pause the tape (fear of losing progress, fitness....).   While a part of me refuses to 'settle' for moderate level outcomes,  I also realize the series of Stepping Stones involved to move forward.  What looks like 2 steps forward/20 steps back is only from my limited perspective.  It could be the Phillipines.  It could be anywhere else with a million other kinds of challenges....more dire than anything on my plate.

Here's to gaining perspective, gratitude and humility.  To the grace of time to have this rest,  and a moment to reflect... to appreciate Dad on Vet's day and knowing these orchids are just another means of linking us in our eternal bond and appreciation.  I know you're there, Dad, keep a good eye out for me, I'm keeping one on you!

NYC Marathon Thrills! And other Runs

I ran Friday and Saturday,  back on the Griffin loop then a modest little out and back Saturday early in the morning before clients.  It felt as if a delicate balance had been achieved between my perpetual struggles and a feeling of comfortability out on the roads,  not enough for anything very long, but...long enough.  So many runners are racing or preparing for races.  I think I've had it in mind all along that if I could pull out some consistency,  I could train for Miami or Ft. Lauderdale, at least the half, in early 2014. 

So when a big marathon comes around like NYC on Sunday,  it's a chance to get re-ignited with the passion of my chosen sport:  NYC is legendary.  And this year, with even more importance, coming back from last year's last minute cancellation due to hurricane Sandy, and in homage to Boston,  48,000+ runners left the starting line!  In a chilly 46 degrees and a head wind,  they left their respective corrals and headed into history as they started up the Verrazano bridge. 

Meanwhile,  I woke up to early light thanks to daylights savings time and the usual beautiful skies of fall in SoFlo....glad to have time on my side but feeling fatigued as hell.   Running consecutive days no matter how modest is hard on me,  so I figured just to let my feet tell me where they wanted to go as I headed out past the park and into the heart of Emerald Hills.  It felt extra tough getting 'into' my body....I cut short at 56th and turned south, taking a pit-stop at little Oak Park where all the ducks and geese congregate hoping for a hand-out, and meandered past Park to pick up a side-street turning towards home.

I knew I didn't have it in me.  I pat-patted down streets eerily silent in the early morning, as the slight breeze, still cool at the edges, rustled an occasional palm or brought the bark of a fenced dog to my ear....I got lost in my thoughts and followed my body's lead, turning up towards Park once more and a last stretch of pulling out just a bit of speed,  a little lift to my feet, as I rounded it out for home.

I didn't think they were broadcasting live!  So when I settled in with breakfast and coffee...there!  the start of NYC!  WOW!  I saw Meb getting emotional at the national anthem,  the rest of the Kenyans and others at the front of the pack (both men and women),  the long long knots of runners in their respective time corrals (oh how I know that feeling of pulling up the rear, waiting forever to finally make it just to the start line!), until BAM! the Big Gun goes off and so do they!

Now:  imagine a caliber of running so amazing that for 26+ miles they can sustain something in the range of a 4-5 min. mile CONSISTENTLY!  Then imagine the shake-out as a whole group of such runners attempts to sort themselves out on the NY streets until Mutai,  natural that he is,  took the lead- and won it!  A very humble Kenyan who took

that race like a stroll in the park, who has set the marathon record (about 2:03:)  and yesterday ran in that headwind for a VERY respectable 2:08: (approx)

Meanwhile,  as 2 womens' leaders appeared to duke it out for their respective 1st and 2nd place finishes,  Priscah Jeptoo came from the pack behind them, flung herself down the course and FLEW by them both,  to win the women's title!  She was AMAZING....and inspirational! running in a style that suggested either fatigue or undisciplined excitement and was neither:  and a good lesson in 'whatever works' in her unusual form, arms flailing,  long legs tacking out from the knee, looking for all the world like a windmill rolling down the street!  But FLYING! 

Somewhere I heard in all the stats that most elite runners spend about 75% of their time IN THE AIR. 

I stopped many times on my Sunday run when something caught my eye, as I usually do;  this was the light hitting the foliage at the side of my 56th St. cut-down...as usual,  running in part just to see what Mother Nature has been up to,   and to absorb the air, the sunlight,  and to let my body 'let go' of whatever has constrained me otherwise. 

Later,  when I had those images in my head of Mutai flying into first place,  or Priscah focusing on passing those leaders,  and the humble gratitude and tears shed as they crossed their finish lines,  I felt proud to BE a runner!! 

Because....THIS (above) is what average runners like me look like at the finish....shouting, clasping hands,  walking and sometimes gently jogging it across the line...proud to complete for our various causes,  to prove something to ourselves,  to know we have done it, so we can do....anything we set our hearts to.

Distance is a beautiful thing.  It takes effort and huge heart to make it a long ways to what our heart desires. You must hang in there,  even if,  like my hero Meb,  you had to walk it in.   I patted myself on the back for about the millionth time yesterday thinking....I get out there and I do it.  It might not be pretty,  but like every runner,  I am grateful to know the deep pleasure that my body gives me - in motion!  CONGRATS TO ALL!