Key Biscayne, or Plan B

I had my hopes for taking on a 5K in Key West this weekend, but I wasn't able to register or prepare on time, and decided to run the 16 miler in Key Biscayne instead. The lighthouse photo is the lowest tip of the peninsula, at the end of Bill Baggs State Park, where I leave the car. I run a mile just to get out of the park and up into the city of Key Biscayne itself. Another few miles gets me to the highway stretch connecting the city to the first low causeway and marinas. There are only bikepaths, which us runners must share, and I run into their path so I can see them coming and jump out of their way. Cadres of cyclists in lively colors funnel down the lanes; while cars swoosh by. It's a nerve-wracking stretch that seems endless, and the first bridge gives me a mental break, taking me to my first rest stop. Finally, they have installed water fountains at the bathrooms, wow!! I take my time. I'm doing this all in the middle of the day, the heat is intense, and I'm feeling it. The next stretch takes me past the seaquarium and the beaches. It looks as though a triathlon has just finished...I see the tables, and athletes in unusual gear (for runners) milling about....I like to bike and swim, but for now at least, running is all I can handle...they are some serious looking athletes, however!

I'm coming up to the Rickenbacker, hovering over the Bay in all it's flight from gravity, taking over the landscape as the dominant feature and filling me with dread and determination. I don't have a ton of enthusiasm for this, but I do have a pressing need to prove to myself, at the eve of my 52nd birthday, that I can conquer it, so with a last deep breath and final inner pep-talk, it's up, and up I go.

I find a rhythm and a stride. Thanks to my new chiropractor, I am running without that hitch in my leg, so I can take the climb without gritting my teeth. I'm steady; I'm careful not to look ahead, where the stretch of the uphill curve appears to go on forever, but catch, instead, the full vistas of water where the boats have anchored, and the light plays with spectrum of grays and blues on the waves. Once I reach the top, I notice storm clouds just north. I take the measure of my progress so far; if I turn now, I may out-run the weather...it's a very long way back south, so I come back down the way I came, easing my legs on the downhill, picking up a pace to get me back to my rest stop, and chasing down a Clif Bar with lots and lots of water before I take the highway stretch to the city once again.

I struggle here...My legs are leaden, and it's increasingly hard to find a rhythm I can sustain. The traffic is annoying and there are just enough cyclists to make me jump into the grass at annoying intervals. My thoughts are discouraging; I feel like a middle-aged wanna-be trying to believe in things that are outside my reach...I want to do it over again, start younger, eliminate the missteps, miscalculations, I want to do ultras, team relays, trail runs, I want legs like that girl that passed me- how did she pass me, when she seemed so compact, feet so low to the ground? I am the slowest runner in the world....

I can only handle this if I break up the rest of the run into sections. Part 3 is the highway. Part 2 is the city of Key Biscayne, which I come into on leaden feet, circumnavigating the sidewalks like a zombie....block by agonizing block....until I reach Part 1 as I head into Bill Baggs. I get lost taking the first left once I see the word "beach" on a signpost. This is the brain fatigue that happens during long, hot runs....and I could not get myself back on the road until I followed the path through the parking area.....Once back, it seemed forever to get down far enough to my lot, my car, and my provisions. The park was packed. People from foreign countries and others flooding to the beach. I was going to stay. I opt not to; I don't have an ounce of energy left to tackle this much pushing and shoving in a remote park.

I realize I am none of those things I wished for, and yet I am some of them. I am, as usual, perplexed by the direction things go. I sometimes feel I need to be further, not closer, and my need to run is to push myself outside the envelope of humanity just enough to breathe.....

It wasn't what I'd planned. It wasn't what I'd hoped. No one rescues you when you bonk; only races provide support. Otherwise, it's only you and the road facing you. So you better get moving.....

It's National Poetry Month

thanks, CeeCee, for the photo

God Says Yes To Me

by Kaylin Haught

I asked God if it was okay to be melodramatic
and she said yes
I asked her if it was okay to be short
and she said it sure is
I asked her if I could wear nail polish
or not wear nail polish
and she said honey
she calls me that sometimes
she said you can do just exactly
what you want to
Thanks God I said
And is it even okay if I don't paragraph
my letters
Sweetcakes God said
who knows where she picked that up
what I'm telling you is
Yes Yes Yes

tough times

I feel an odd sense of foreboding. The run up to the weekend, the unusual level of work stress, the heightened sensitivities for anything and everything....not in and of itself so alarming, but cause for concern. It feels like I am running alone on a long road, having to sustain myself mile after mile. Sometimes I am so grateful for the room to breathe, cry, sing...then there are the sudden moments when the bottom drops out and the horizon seems to go on and on, and on with no end.

I know it's temporary, it always is. I know I just need to stay on rhythm, with the steady gait, listen to the tunes and believe the finish comes soon. I need to believe there is a purpose beyond mere endurance. I want to hope someone cares.

don't mess with a Warrior Queen

"Mar 21 - Apr 20 ... ATHENA...
Powerful and zesty Athena is the beautiful warrior queen who stood guard over the ancient city of Athens. Born leaders, Athena-inspired women know no fear, or that’s the face they present to the world at least. They experience trouble with self-expression, resorting to politics and force to coerce a project off the ground. They can be tough, independent, clever and resourceful women, but they should not be afraid to ask for help if they need it, and more importantly, allow people to help them."

As if Aries energy wasn't enough, apparently the zodiac signs also correspond to goddesses, and mine is Athena. Trouble with 'self-expression'? I don't think so, although finding an 'appropriate' voice in the world may be more to the point. We can be too loud, too aggressive, too opinionated, too cocky. Just too much. I am fortunate to possess other qualities that, as I age, appears to balance out the brashness of "firsts" in the energy wheel. Nevertheless, I also feel more fierce and determined; don't mess with my freedom, my agenda and goals. If I do it for myself, I do it for the Big Picture as well.

I am often afraid to ask for help; people who have helped me are extraordinary in understanding my proclivities....my unusual need for confidants, for processing, for deep deep solitude. They trust my process. I trust their interest as more than mercenary. There are incredibly few people I would tap for help these days. More than likely its the vast inner crowd of forces and energies I find myself calling upon as daily stress tries to undermine my work. Not to allow that, I focus, train, watch, rally, rest.

It's often a lonely place to be.

Carry on

"Buried deep within each of us is a spark of greatness, a spark than can be fanned into flames of passion and achievement. That spark is not outside of you it is born deep within you."
-- James A. Ray

A front moves in, not quite arrived, as the winds pick up, and gray scuttling clouds crowd out what would otherwise be a warm sun. I decide to make my way west, originally hoping to cruise the back road from the Seminoles and revisit training loops from pre-marathon days. The stiffness and ache in my legs, however, said otherwise, and even after 2-3 miles I could see this was going to be a difficult run.

So I rounded it out at 64th, came up and over the turnpike and straight on Stirling until Park. In the last mile before turning, I found a curious gait that was slow and steady into the wind, as if I was balancing off my back thighs and hitting the footfalls from my seat. Slow going, but another one good for endurance, and for probably about 9ish miles all put together.

I finished out a grueling week at work. When I run I laugh to myself sometimes about the need to train, not just to be physically strong, but most importantly, mentally unrelenting. If there is one thing running has given me its deep heart. I find I can tolerate what used to be the toughest stuff that would have taken me down and out. I watch my colleagues struggle with pain, workloads, stress, and I know it was me my first years there. Deep down I carry my own internal boiler room, but its more a cauldron of transformation these days, where the material of my life falls into so that the alchemy of wisdom, strength and insight can turn my vision into practical use and compassion. It's working, that's all I know. I pick myself up from the challenges of the week, the day, and I carry on.

Ungraspable Wonder

Enlightenment is a way of saying that all things are seen in their intrinsic empty nature, their Suchness, their ungraspable wonder. Names or words are merely incidental, but that state which sees no division, no duality, is enlightenment.

-Prajnaparamita

photo: Deena Kastor

On April 20th, the women marathoners will compete for a slot on the Olympic team. My other heroine, besides Paula Radcliffe will be competing as the front contender; Deena Castor. If you saw 'Spirit of the Marathon' then you saw a lot of Deena, both running the Chicago marathon as it was featured in the film, and training to come back from an ankle injury to prepare. Unlike Paula, who is incredibly tall and leggy, Deena is built like me; small and compact. She has a nuclear power, an explosive core. Watching her run, she is the opposite of Paula who glides off the ground in long strides, with effortless ease. Deena pounds out her energetic gait like a revolution in motion. I am completely caught into her commitment in the run; I am running along side her as she rounds off each mile, block, inch of the road, and comes into the line with sweat, blood and no doubt tears flying off her heart.

Beijing will hold many many challenges this year, besides unusual levels of pollution, government control, and political unrest at every turn. For the runners, an especially poor atmosphere in every respect. Meb has already chosen to decline participation, a leading male marathoner. How many others may do the same.

Secretly, I hope for boycott, to support Tibet and the appalling human rights record of the Chinese. We should not go silently or willingly into these Games pretending it's all business as usual with our host. I know it plagues the athletes to have to contend with this underlying drama. For Deena and the others, the goal of competing is all the reason they need to show up. I support them, I honor them, but I honor more the struggle for freedom of those peoples in forgotten regions who are under the oppressive control of greedy government regimes.

We may, one day, come to no division, no duality. But that day is not yet.

Taking it to the Streets

Giving myself a day of rest, after 2 brutal long days over the weekend was a smart call, though I'm not sure it was rest enough. But running is not just for my body; its for my mind, my soul, so there is no stopping my need to be out. One day away is about my limit. Cooped up at the office all day, it's all I can do to follow the thread of my feeling into the next morning, and the next run, while I sit, and type and talk and feel myself pretzel up into mild contortions. The worst part of a therapist's job? The endless sitting.

So today, after a deep sleep, it was back to the streets and a 7ish loop up and over the interstate and along Arthur until cutting up 56th and back on Thomas. I can feel the creaking and cramping from that Saturday push. Felt a few bad cramps in my right calf and thigh, the 'bad' leg. But up along Arthur, I had a stretch of lightness and ease and it felt GREAT to be flying with the wind. The loop back on Thomas put the wind in my face, however, so it was 2-3 miles of pushing. After a while you just find yourself leaning into it and slowing down until you find the right gait. It's exhausting, but it sure does build strength. And I need to get strong again if I'm going to build some mileage.

The image is a Mayan symbol. I've had 2012 on my mind, as I begin to come up on my birthday. The Aries in me if full of the spirit of change and transition, and the deep unrest of the season. I don't know from one moment to the next if I'm depressed or just waiting for something. The mood of the times has yet to unlock its secrets. I can't help feeling I am privy to something, however, if I can just stretch myself out into the atmosphere far enough. I think sometimes it's why I need to go the distances....once I am far enough away I can begin to feel something other than my own constricted role in life. And then the Big Picture can emerge.